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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving nephew something against his mum’s wishes. WWYD?

17 replies

Originalfoogirl · 27/01/2018 22:56

My nephew (19) is skint having burned through a lot of cash recently and DS is sick of bailing him out so has put her foot down. She is again trying to get him to work out a budget and stick to it.

We got him tickets to something for his Christmas and she has said he can’t go because he can’t afford to travel to it. I had, at first said we would give him the money for travel and she politely declined, saying he needs to learn to live within his means. The tickets won’t go to waste as we will easily be able to pass them on to someone else.

A little later in the discussion she said it was up to me if I gave him the travel money or not. We are really close so I know this wasn’t said in a shitty way.

I want to help her teach him the lesson and sort himself out. But I also love him to bits and really want him to go to the event as he will love it.

What would you do?

OP posts:

mumpoints · 27/01/2018 23:02

I don't understand. He's already got the tickets if they were for Christmas, were you thinking of taking them off him? Once they are given, they are his. If he has spent his travel money, then that is his problem to work out. If you decided to add to the gift fair enough, his mother seems to have backed down about it. But I don't think you should take the gift back. Also, he's an adult! His mother shouldn't be taking his property either.

All very weird.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 27/01/2018 23:03

I don't understand. You have him the tickets for a Christmas - so he has them already, right?

Now you're wondering whether to give him travel money as well?

If he wants to go, he'll presumably have been saving for the travel costs since Christmas. If he doesn't, he can sell the tickets himself, because they're his... Is that right?

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 27/01/2018 23:03

X- post....

mumpoints · 27/01/2018 23:04

Spooky x post!

mumpoints · 27/01/2018 23:05

Also, tickets is plural So there is more than one. Perhaps he knows someone who provide free travel for the other ticket/s.

llangennith · 27/01/2018 23:10

I think your sister is regretting saying you can’t enable him to travel to the event. Give him the money or lift but say you’re doing it reluctantly and he needs to sort himself out.
Having said that the teenage social life is expensive. I’m so glad mine are all grown up now.

Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 23:33

I would revisit the subject with your sister to be sure she really does not mind you enabling him to travel. And then if she really does not mind, take the boy. You're not his parents, this was his Christmas gift. Tell him the travel is his gift for next Christmas.

Handsfull13 · 28/01/2018 00:00

I'd offer to give him travel money in exchange for help doing something. Then he isn't getting money for nothing and the Christmas present won't go to waste.
A bit of gardening, washing the car, helping with diy anything simple that makes it feel like he is taking a little responsibility but still gets to enjoy his present.

Original poster

Originalfoogirl · 28/01/2018 00:23

Sorry for the confusion. We told him he was getting the tickets as a gift but they weren’t actually issued to us until yesterday. I texted them both to say we had the physical tickets and that’s what led to the conversation.

He lives at home with her and sure, whilst I get (and expected) the “he’s an adult” stuff, I’m one of those who believes we don’t stop trying to guide our children when they hit some magical number, if their lives are in chaos. I have no issue at all with what she is trying to do, just not sure whether my actions will help or hinder her.

idontdowindows I did follow up telling her I’m not sure what to do for the best. I do think she would be ok with it. You make a good point about me not being his parent. In fact it’s a conversation we’ve had many times over the years as he spent time staying with us when he was little. It was always the case where some rules were relaxed because “yer at yer Auntie’s” as we say up here. So it wouldn’t necessarily be undoing what she is trying to do. On the other hand, if he does miss out it might be the thing which wakes him up.

handsfull13 I like that idea. He used to do that when he was little, to earn extra spends for holidays and stuff. I might even expand it a bit and say the cash would be in exchange for doing the extras for my sister, I know she would appreciate it!

OP posts:

SoIAskYou · 28/01/2018 00:28

I would give him the money for the travel and tell him it's part of the Christmas gift and that's the reason he's getting it, otherwise I agree with his mum that he needs to sort his spending habit and from now on I'll be adhering to whatever she decides.

RedHelenB · 28/01/2018 07:26

Bit of a shitry present if he can't afford to get there so I'm surprised that you wouldn't pay for travel too.

PastaOfMuppets · 28/01/2018 08:08

@RedHelen why is it OP's fault DN has spent all his money and now can't afford the transport? Maybe it's a good gift that will show him how important it is to not spend all his money.

RedHelenB · 28/01/2018 11:05

If transport costs mean he can't go then I would give him cash as well. For my 18th my brother got me swanlake tickets and paI'd train fare to London too.

PastaOfMuppets · 29/01/2018 12:54

OP mightn't have that much money and might think that if a 19 year old really so desperately wanted go they could earn or save enough for transport. You know seeing as a 19 year old is probably old enough to do that sort of thing. Should OP also have bought him a new outfit too, and paid his phone contract for a month so he could use the internet on it to check into the event? Isn't the gift itself enough without having to give everything else someone might want along with it?

bluddyknackered · 29/01/2018 12:58

I like your idea of getting him to do some things for your sister to 'earn' the travel money. Maybe agree some jobs with your sister first and then put it to him.

sinceyouask · 29/01/2018 13:08

It's really not fair of your dsis to try and yse your gift as her teaching method.

We got him tickets to something for his Christmas and she has said he can’t go because he can’t afford to travel to it.
But you got him the tickets for a Christmas present. She didn't get them, and you didn't buy them for her. You bought them for him.

I had, at first said we would give him the money for travel and she politely declined, saying he needs to learn to live within his means.
I don't think she should get to decline. It's not up to her what gifts you give her adult son (yes, yes, he still lives at home and parenting never ends but come on, he's 19 years old!).

I'm sure, if your dsis is now taking a hard line and only funding the essentials in life, your nephew has more than enough opportunities to learn about money management. Why does your Christmas present to him have to be part of it?

Indigokitten · 29/01/2018 18:14

I get both sides of this. Could you possibly offer the ‘travel’ as his Birthday present for this year? Therefore tickets aren’t wasted and Nephew can still enjoy his Xmas present?

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