Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To have intervened against another parents wishes?

48 replies

MardyMarie · 27/01/2018 22:15

At soft play today, two brothers were fighting. I recognise them from toddler group and have chatted to their mum on many occasions - they are aged 5 and 3. She was busy chatting so on the way to take DD to the toilet I mentioned to her that they were fighting in there and she just shrugged it off as 'what boys do.'

When we went back into the play area a few minutes later, the older brother had the hysterical younger brother pinned to the floor and was alternating between pulling his head up by the hair and smashing it on the floor and whacking him over the back of the head with a big soft play shape. I told him to get off his brother and that he was hurting him. He smirked and carried on, I looked over to his mum who shrugged and rolled her eyes. I couldn't listen to the poor little boy screaming anymore so I removed the soft play shape from the older boys hands as he raised it to hit him again and sternly told him to get off and leave his brother alone.

He went running off to his mum and she came over and said I'd understand more about boys when baby DS is older (my other DC are girls) and that the boys are capable of sorting disagreements out between themselves without my intervention

I know it wasn't really my place but the boy was being so spiteful and his poor brother looked terrified. Was I BU to ignore the mum and intervene?

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 27/01/2018 23:14

you did the right thing. I feel sorry for the younger boy - not only is he getting bullied - he's getting bullied in his own home. poor thing.

BerylStreep · 27/01/2018 23:22

The fact is that his aggressive and hostile behaviour will impact on other children there, probably including yours. Other people have paid so their children can play there, not watching an older child knock seven bells out of his sibling.

I might have reported it to the staff to deal with, but only because I couldn't be arsed with any confrontation from parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2018 23:24

That is not how "boys play." That is how boys who become abusers and criminals are raised. What a shit mother.

PeapodBurgundy · 27/01/2018 23:29

I generally don't stick my oar in with other peoples' children, but I think I'd have done the same OP. I couldn't see a child in distress and do nothing. Yes siblings fight sometimes, and no you can't intervene in every disagreement, but hell common sense has to kick in at some point!!!

emmyrose2000 · 28/01/2018 06:06

That is not how "boys play." That is how boys who become abusers and criminals are raised. What a shit mother

Exactly.

Good on you, OP, for standing up for the victimised little boy. Guaranteed he gets the same treatment at home whilst his useless "mother" stands by and allows his abuser to get away with it.

TournesolsetLavande · 28/01/2018 06:22

The mother is an idiot. I do think boys tend to play much more physically and sometimes roughly than girls but this wasn't playing, this was fighting. If a child is on the floor crying and another child is continuing to assault them then only a neglectful stupid fuckwit of a parent would stand by and do nothing. Especially having been told about it by an independent onlooker.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 06:29

My brother used to throw me and around and shake me like a rag doll, hit me, pin me down, imprison me. I am petrified of him and am finally n having tried to have a normal relationship for years. There was sexual stuff as well, not touching but abuse all the same. My mother maintains it was normal sibling rivalry then when I had it out with my mother for going nc, she said I abused him. She smirked at the sexual stuff and declined to comment.

Thank you for caring. You absolutely did the right thing. Some parents genuinely don’t deserve to have children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 06:30

“Am finally nc”

TheFairyCaravan · 28/01/2018 06:31

We’ve got 2 sons. DS1 has always been fiercely protective of DS2. He wouldn’t have ever done anything like that to him, ever. We didn’t allow physical fighting.

That poor little boy must feel really isolated and alone. Only a shit and inept parent allows that sort of behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 06:34

That’s because you’re a good parent Fairy. Your family dynamic would never allow this behaviour. Not so for everyone, perhaps the eldest child is favoured as was the case in my family. Golden child/scapegoat.

Billben · 28/01/2018 06:51

She smirked at the sexual stuff and declined to comment.
😱

tyGalore · 28/01/2018 09:25

Mummyoflittledragon

I know a family like this with a 4 year age gap. The mother is SO righteous and principled on a range of matters, yet sadly fails to protect her younger daughter from the antics of her older son. The 11 year old boy chases, verbally abuses, imprisons, pins down and does what not else with his poor sister. He has done this since she was a baby. The family operates on a 'gentle parenting' basis, funny that it's the little girl who has to pay the price and her daily experiences can't feel particularly 'gentle'. So weird and fucked up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 16:17

Thanks for both your comments. I’ve largely come to terms with it. We are nc for my physical protection.

We weren’t gentle parented. And that is not gentle parenting. It is permissive parenting. Poor little girl, tragic. Her childhood has parallels to mine. Suffocation was particularly gruelling. It is also very sad for the boy. He is a monster in the making. So messed up.

My mother has told the story several times how funny it was that my brother wouldn’t allow me to walk. It sounds as if think the girl is in physical danger, please consider reporting the family to social services. This is abuse and may escalate to sexual abuse if his boundaries are too poor. The parents will not protect her. I feel very lucky I wasn’t considered sexually attractive. Rather a person to be ridiculed and dominated in a sexual way.

RickOShay · 28/01/2018 18:37

Mummy, I am so sorry that happened to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 18:56

Thanks for thinking of me. It’s taken me a long time to admit how bad it was. And now that I have I’m healing.

Devilishpyjamas · 28/01/2018 19:03

My younger two boys can be physical - not so much now they’re older although they’re still not averse to a sneaky kick towards each other. They get told off. It’s not acceptable.

Sounds awful. I would intervene if heads were involved as well. What on Earth was the mother thinking?

Seniorcitizen1 · 28/01/2018 19:05

And with patents like her we wonder why some boys grow up into thugs

Seniorcitizen1 · 28/01/2018 19:06

Parents not patents

Soubriquet · 28/01/2018 19:11

This is heartbreaking.

I have an older dd with a younger brother.

He is much more rough and tumble than she is yet I still step in to protect my daughter even if he is younger.

NorbertTheDragon · 28/01/2018 19:12

I've got 5 boys (most of them teens) and yes, they argue, but the moment it gets physical I'm in there putting a stop to it. So bollocks to her about it being "boys" Yuk. Is it only his brother he's allowed to beat up? What about other people's kids?

The poor little one will feel like his mum doesn't give a damn about him.

salsmum · 28/01/2018 22:26

My DM worked long hours to pay the mortgage because she was widowed when I was 2 and my DB 4. Because of the shock of seeing our DF die ( from a fatal fall) my DB started stuttering and was bullied. I would wade in and protect him from the bullies. When I was 12 I had to look after my younger dB when my mum worked long hours in a pub. My DB beat me mercilessly almost every night.... he was 6ft tall and strong, I was not. He blacked my eye once when the chain dogs lead he'd hit me with caught me in the face. He was 'told off' by my DM but that didn't stop him (I think my DM was even frightened by his size) - she and my Nan had told him for years he was the ' man of the house' and it really went to his head I hated him and when he moved abroad to live it was the happiest day of my life. I wish my DM or a teacher had seen how miserable he made my life. God bless you for helping this child you are DNBU.

salsmum · 28/01/2018 22:56

Whoops sorry did not mean to add this to my post just these

Snowysky20009 · 28/01/2018 23:07

My boys are 18 and 14, I can count on one hand the times they've become physical and it's all been under the age of 10. They will mess around, pinning each other down, and it's normally tickling each other. But they do not lay a finger on each other aggressively.
Boys will be boys is a load of crap. Boys have the same right not to be physically attacked as girls. Brothers should be protecting each other.
If I ever found out that either of my sons had laid a finger on someone else, I would be livid. It's not how they've been brought up.

Flip

1 2