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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect a bit more from him?

13 replies

GrooovyLass · 27/01/2018 21:31

Background: been with DP 7 years. Don't live together but stay with each other at weekends. I have ASD, he's apparently NT but struggles if I show emotions. Not sure if he occasionally gaslights me.

I was raped when I was 9. After staying at his last night I was getting ready to come home and he had Sky news on showing the testimony of the young women assaulted by Nassar. I got very upset to the point that I nearly had a panic attack. I was sitting on the edge of the settee, shaking. He put his hand on my arm which made me jump so he took it off again and said "come here" I think he wanted me to sit back and hug him but I couldn't move. He picked his phone up and went on fb.

When I calmed myself down I told him a hug would have helped but I couldn't move. He said he didn't think I wanted one. I tried to explain that I was completely triggered by the tv and he said don't get angry with me, I didn't know you'd get so upset. I said I wasn't angry I felt traumatised.

I went home and when I was completely calm I messaged and told him that watching the young women on the tv took me back to being a scared and hurt little girl and that I could never properly explain that feeling but that he needed to be kinder to me when I get like that. I said he didn't need to answer, I just needed to tell him.

AIBU to want a little more understanding from him? And AIBU that although I told him I didn't need an answer I'm a bit put out that he's not answered!

OP posts:
GrooovyLass · 27/01/2018 21:32

Sorry, that's very long and it had paragraphs when I wrote it.

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eggofmantumbi · 27/01/2018 21:35

Sorry you went through that.
How much does your DP know about what happened to you?
How long has it been since your message? Might be be trying to find the right words?
I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like you needed his emotional support.

WunWun · 27/01/2018 21:35

If someone told me they didn't expect an answer I'd presume they didn't want one I'm afraid.

Flowers
GrooovyLass · 27/01/2018 21:39

It was hours ago.

I know aibu about that but I would like a bit more understanding about me getting upset. He knows I was raped, I told him very early on.

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FlashTheSloth · 27/01/2018 21:40

Sorry for what you went through, but as someone with aspergers I'm confused, you told him he didn't need to reply and he didn't. I would take someone at their word and would think they actually didn't want me to mention it by saying they didn't need to reply. Also you jumped when he touched your arm so reasonable for him to assume you didn't want him to touch you. Sorry but YABU.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/01/2018 21:43

I'm so sorry that happened to you Sad

I don't think your partner was being unreasonable, though? He responded as he thought you wanted him to. If a touch on your arm made you jump, he probably thought a hug would make you flip out. Flowers

ThisLittleKitty · 27/01/2018 21:46

I think yabu. He tried and you jumped. That to me would signal someone didn't want to be touched.

Coconutspongexo · 27/01/2018 21:48

Do you mind if I ask what makes you think he gaslights you? That may give me more of an idea of what he’s like. You obviously don’t have to say.

I think he didn’t hug you because you jumped when he touched you and maybe he was worried hugging you would be worse.

I’m sorry you had to feel like that though and what you’ve been through Flowers

GrooovyLass · 27/01/2018 21:50

I don't understand why he accused me of being angry though. I never raised my voice, I calmly said that watching the women testify triggered me. If he was sitting next to me crying and shaking I couldn't ignore him and go through my facebook. He seems to hate me showing any emotion and is always accusing me of being angry.

I said he didn't have to answer, I didn't tell him not to. Once again, I couldn't leave a message that poured someone's heart and soul out unanswered.

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TrinitySquirrel · 27/01/2018 22:12

That's not him disliking you showimg emotion. That's him not knowing how to respond to it. Not everyone knows how to respond to a crying shaking woman who just flinched when they tried to touch her.

Yabu.

ThisLittleKitty · 27/01/2018 22:14

Maybe he was just waiting for you to calm down without pressurising you into hugging

FlashTheSloth · 28/01/2018 00:27

If someone told me I didn't have to answer, I wouldn't. I think you are expecting him to be a bit of a mind reader tbh. I can't really deal with displays of emotion from other people. It makes me very uncomfortable and I have no idea how to react to it or what to do. He probably didn't want to upset you further and didn't know what to do or how to react.

GrooovyLass · 28/01/2018 09:12

Ok I'll accept I was being U.

I just don't understand how you can sit on your phone ignoring someone who is crying, especially when it's someone you love, and then tell them that they're angry with you for not changing channels when they weren't angry and never mentioned changing channels.

The reason I said I'm not sure if he gaslights is because if we have an argument he accuses me of being angry no matter what. He tells me I rake up old ground if I mention something that happened 30 mins ago and he tells me I need help for finding things hurtful. Not every time but enough for me to notice he's doing it.

OP posts:
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