AIBU to feel unfriendly towards this friend

[Greyspots]

This is a genuine WWYD as I don't know if IABU.

Because of issues with a past relationship there are details about my life that I tend not to share and like to be kept private.

A friend who is amongst the few to have a full picture of things has shared some of this information with a wide group. She didn't do it deliberately to upset me, but she was aware of my feelings. I have always made certain I kept things she has shared with me private.

The details are out there now and there's nothing I can do about it. I am really upset about it and there will be implications for me. It's not a catastrophe but I could have done without this.

I don't feel like having much to do with my friend. I'm sure she's sorry but I'm not one to easily forgive and my instinct is to back off. I know whatever happens I will be careful what I tell her which is a pity as there aren't many people I feel I can be open with. IABU?

You're not being unreasonable to feel upset about it, but I'm afraid that's the risk you take when you confide in someone. "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead" is an old saying but no less valid these days.

YANBU it’s up to you who you are close with and this could happen again. Distance yourself for now and maybe she will learn to respect people’s wishes

Yanbu. You trusted her. And she has broken your trust

I don't know what she's said but it's clear it wasn't public knowledge and if you told her it wasn't then she was totally out of order telling other people.

Have you told her you're upset? Has she told you why she told these people?

Sounds awful but I think your instincts are right. I couldn't trust her again with anything important

I have told her I'm upset. It was a mistake? but still.

The details will reach my exH and he will find a way to use it against me or DC and I really didn't want him to know. It also means other children may end up knowing something I haven't even told my own DC.

How could it be a mistake? I think it’s fine to cool the friendship. Does she know the consequences for you?

Was she very apologetic? How did she manage to let the information out?

She says she forgot it was private. But I've been very clear about my situation and have told her lots of times to keep things quiet. She has been paranoid about keeping trivial information about herself private. Perhaps she had been drinking. I don't know. I feel very down about it though.

YANBU you trusted a friend who didn't deserve your trust. I agree with pasturesgreen I don't trust anybody with secrets, I've learnt to my cost a secret isn't a secret once you've told somebody.

Oh goodness, YANBU at all! I dropped a friend who did similar to me many years ago and what she did didn't even have the wide repercussions that your situation might.

How could anyone "forget" that something that important was private after being told several times - what a load of shit! She just got gossiping, whether after drinking or not.

The problem is that it's not even information most people would describe as a secret and you might think I'm blowing it out of proportion if I told you what it was. I feel I can't be open with people for fear of my exH finding out things. It probably makes me sound paranoid but suffice to say he isn't a nice person and I know my life is better the less he knows about it.

You don't sound paranoid at all. You sound like someone being very wary because they know their ex would use anything against them.

I'm so sorry that sounds exhausting and must leave you feeling like you can't trust anyone

I completely understand I have/had a good friend who I realised sometimes shares other people's information and I've found myself withdrawing because I want my privacy!!!

Not unreasonable of you. Is it just possible you are thinking worst-case scenario with the repurcussions, and it might not go that far? Obviously you know the situation, and I;m not asking what it is. But I hope it has the least worst ending for you

Thanks for the support.

It is exhausting. I can only trust people who have absolutely no relationship or contact with anyone connected to my exH now.

There are other things going on in my life so it's been a bit of a blow.

Good to know that I'm not in the wrong here though.

YANBU to feel upset or to distance yourself.

I do have some sympathy with your friend because I had an ex who would decide to make random details 'secret' and tbh I found it hard to keep track of what I could say, what I was supposed to know; who else could know. Having a conversation with or/and about him became a massive chore. I'd end up staying silent which, of course, made everyone else think I was odd eg if they asked an innocent question which I'd know the answer to but I'd have to feign ignorance or say he doesn't want you to know. He was entirely entitled to add provisos and decide what he wanted to be kept secret but he didn't seem to appreciate how awkward that sometimes made my dynamic with mutual friends.

I'm not saying this was the case with your friend. I was just waffling in my memories

It's up to you what you choose to keep private about your life, it doesn't matter whether other people would think it trivial.

If your friend knew you were sensitive about it she should have kept quiet, you'd be perfectly reasonable to distance yourself from her and tell her why.

I have a friend like that - she told my DM something about my relationship that I hadn't yet told DM. Just to make conversation. And it was quite a serious and upsetting event so not like "isn't it great Midnight won that archery competition" but rather "omg can you believe what happened to Midnight. Shocking isn't it"
She had previously fallen out with another friend over publicly going over on numerous occasions a detail of his private life that was... Not secret, but private and didn't need to be brought up

I'm gradually letting go of the friendship

I have a sister who is very indiscreet, although I think your situation has gone behind this. I think she gets it from my mother, and genuinely doesn't seem to get (or refuses to) that it's an issue. Absolutely infuriating.