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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my parents?

53 replies

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 09:33

During the week, my dad asked me if I'd bring my DC to see him and my mum this weekend and I said I would.
Then yesterday, DS2 had to be picked up from school early and school couldn't get hold of me or DH so rang my parents, who went to fetch him and dropped him to me.
DS1 was also off school, so both DC were in the house and both my parents were in the house. I asked them if they'd like a coffee and my mum said no because they had to go right now because they were going out, and they left.
About half an hour later, me and DS2 went to my parents house (I work there) and I expressed surprise that they were in. My dad asked why I was surprised and I said that mum had said they were going out. Dad said they were but not for a few more hours.
Roll on to this morning, I've just text dad to ask if he still wants me to take the DC round, and he does.
AiBU to be a bit annoyed that they could have spent time with the DC yesterday but choose not to and now I have to spend part of my weekend taking the DC to see them?
It's not really the time itself that's annoying me, more the principle I think.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 27/01/2018 10:30

you feel they are too controlling?
take some control back

Gazelda · 27/01/2018 10:35

Do your DSs enjoy visiting their GPs? Do your GPs love their GSs?
Can't you drop them off for a couple of hours and come home to do whatever it is you'd rather be doing?
TBH, I wonder whether it's healthy for you to be working with them if you've had to have therapy about the relationship.
They did you a favour, they want to spend time with You, you are annoyed. Maybe you could try building some boundaries that mean they are simply parents/GPs who do favours rather than also working with them and having a business partnership.

Hercules12 · 27/01/2018 10:36

You do seem to be reliant on them. Perhaps they are finding it a bit much. Do you have to work at their home? Is there a possibility of you branching off on your own?

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 10:36

It appears then, that I wasn't grateful enough for them picking DS2 up.
That's interesting as I really didn't see it as some huge favour. If one of my friends rang me and asked me to pick up their DC for them, I would quite happily do it. I will bear that in mind in future, although saying that, we don't really do emotions in my family, so I'd better not go to overboard else they'll think I'm being sarcastic (I've been accused of that in the past).

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 10:39

I don't think it was about being grateful enough - they just hadn't planned to spend their afternoon with the kids and had it planned for the next day. They really don't need to justify why they didn't want to do it - my parents are very helpful but sometimes they are tired or just would rather get on with chores.

You're sounding petulant tbh

Winteriscoming18 · 27/01/2018 10:42

Agree you so petulant especially after your other updates.

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 10:43

You're sounding petulant tbh

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 10:44

Sorry for posting twice!!!

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 10:44

And yes you should take them over today as planned!

I didn't say I wasn't. Or even that I was thinking it.

might be an idea not to work for them if they have caused you to have therapy op?

The trouble is, I don't work for them, I work with my dad, we're equal partners in a business that was my idea and which neither of us could do alone. It's a very profitable business which allows me to work extremely flexibly so I'm not sure how I'd even begin to extricate myself.

OP posts:

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 27/01/2018 10:50

I think it’s good that you came here to unpick what is going on because as you say, you struggle sometimes with whether it’s you or them.
In this instance, from what you have said, you are being unreasonable as they did you a big favour. Maybe one way around this would be to make sure School have a landline number as well as mobiles?
Your life seems very entwined with theirs. I. GUess the other question is: is this right for you?

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 10:51

Do your DSs enjoy visiting their GPs? Do your GPs love their GSs?

I don't really know tbh. They didn't looked thrilled when I said we were going over today but neither did they complain.
I think my parents love them as much as they're able.

Can't you drop them off for a couple of hours and come home to do whatever it is you'd rather be doing?

My parents will not want them for 2 hours.

To the people saying that I sound petulant, could you elaborate a bit for me as I'm not sure why?

Apologies to anyone whose question I haven't answered. I'm going to take the kids round now and will be back later.

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 27/01/2018 10:57

I'm confused. Why were your kids off school/leaving early if not ill?

In any case, you seem to have recognised that you were BU, so fair enough. Perhaps your mum was annoyed that you had given the school their number without discussing it with them first? I gave my mum's number to dd's school as an emergency contact, but she did agree to it first.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 27/01/2018 11:07

I think you sound petulant because a lot of people parent with no support at all and your first post sounded like you were grumbling about what many people regard as amazing support.

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 11:08

I don't understand why you think your mum was annoyed? She probably just had things to do before going out and wanted to get home. You're totally overthinking and trying to ascribe complex motives when it was probably just something simple.

I said petulant because your post about being more grateful sounded martyrish tbh

Slartybartfast · 27/01/2018 11:26

yoru dc didnt look thrilled because they probably judge your reaction and follow that

Piffle11 · 27/01/2018 11:43

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. This is what my parents would do, because they like to have plans set in stone a week prior, and any deviation is frowned upon and sends them into a tailspin. My DM will lie to me (and anyone else for that matter) about stuff they are supposedly doing, in order to get out of doing something else ... the amount of times she's said to me 'if you bump into X, I've told her we're babysitting for you so can't go to her party' - that sort of thing. She has a real problem with being straight forward. I would have thought your DP could see the kids when they were there rather than going home and then you having to take them over the next day. I'm looking at your situation from my point of view and tbh I have massive issues with my DP when it comes to my kids so maybe my judgement is clouded! I've had my DP say that they can't help me out as they have something else to do, then I've found out that the something else is not til the next day - for some reason they need 24 hours to prepare for anything. I wouldn't care particularly but my DP go on about how they wish they could help more and tell people how much they do for me ... neither of which is true.

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 12:47

I'm at my parents now. Thanks to the posters who answered my question about petulance, I had a think about it on the walk here and I can see now how it might have come across.

I think you sound petulant because a lot of people parent with no support at all and your first post sounded like you were grumbling about what many people regard as amazing support.

Yes, I can see that. Honestly, I was grateful for them picking DS2 up, I guess I just didn't see why they couldn't have stayed for a coffee and chatted with the kids. But then I was forgetting that actually they are very much like Piffle's parents, in that they are quite regimented and routine led.

I don't understand why you think your mum was annoyed?

I thought she was annoyed because she sounded really annoyed. The first thing she said to me was "Why aren't you answering your phone?" in an angry tone and then went on to say "and why have school even got dad's number in the first place?".
We've just had a chat about that and apparently she wasn't angry (she really did sound it though!) and she's happy for school to contact them in future.

She probably just had things to do before going out and wanted to get home. You're totally overthinking and trying to ascribe complex motives when it was probably just something simple.

I think you may be right, I have form

I said petulant because your post about being more grateful sounded martyrish tbh

Noooooooo! I really don't want to be martyrish, I will have to watch myself on that one.

Piffle, my parents sound very similar, and yes, I wouldn't care particularly but my DP go on about how they wish they could help more and tell people how much they do for me ... neither of which is true. this winds me up no end. It's the lying that gets to me, I just think that if everyone was a bit more honest then life would be so much easier.

OP posts:

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 12:55

Sorry Chinny, I missed one of your posts.

Your life seems very entwined with theirs. I. GUess the other question is: is this right for you?

Not really, is the answer I guess. Trouble is, 18 years ago I didn't really think this far ahead and how working together would affect us and now we're at a point where we can't really untangle ourselves and I don't really want to anyway as I love my job.

Oh well, I'm no longer a bit annoyed anyway, so thank you for all your help. Do I get a 'I survived AIBU' badge now?

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 12:56

But she wasn't really lying - she said they were going out and they were going out. You just assumed straight away

Also, when people lie it is because they know they are easily bullied ime. Perhaps she felt if she said they needed to get home you would have pushed for a reason and if she didn't have a good one she would have felt obliged to stay when she simply didn't want to

Gazelda · 27/01/2018 12:58

Glad it's sorted OP. And yes, I think you deserve a very shiny 'I survived AIBU?' Badge!

Frostedloop · 27/01/2018 13:07

they are your kids. your folks did you a favour, they stuck to agreed plans. I'd love to have parents who were still around to see my kids.

RestlessLegKick · 27/01/2018 13:17

Wow, this was very constructive and rational AIBU, with a clear beginning, middle and a satisfactory conclusion!

RestlessLegKick · 27/01/2018 13:18

And yes, you do deserve the badge for taking on board what people were saying.

Original poster

strugglingtodomybest · 27/01/2018 13:43

Thank you Gazelda and Restless. I'm a little bit embarrassed about starting the thread now, now that I can see how unreasonable I was. But as I said, I was only 'a bit' annoyed in the first place, and really just wanted to know if it was me or them in this case. And it was me

I'd love to have parents who were still around to see my kids.

Sorry to hear that you don't , it's not the same thing at all, but I really miss my parents in law, especially my MIL, who are both gone now.

But she wasn't really lying - she said they were going out and they were going out. You just assumed straight away

True, I shouldn't have assumed, it was just the way she said it that made me assume they were going straight out.

Perhaps she felt if she said they needed to get home you would have pushed for a reason and if she didn't have a good one she would have felt obliged to stay when she simply didn't want to

This made me chortle as it's so far wide of the mark (but I can see how you might have thought it).

OP posts:

LookMoreCloselier · 27/01/2018 13:45

Top mumsnetting OP

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