Eating disorder makes me anti social

[Rosalindcordelia]

Since I was in my early twenties I have avoided social occasions if food or alcohol are likely to be there. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I'm single.

I find visiting people at their homes very stressful. I have a couple of ex friends who were very pushy and insistent on getting me to eat (in a "I am a good host" way, I am very secretive about my disorder and am not noticeably under or overweight) and I had to let the friendship go.

I don't know ... I suppose I am just wondering and wishing there were ways to socialise without food and drink being involved.

It will have made socialising (and dating) tricky, yes. Are you getting help with your ED?

No, I've pretty much given up! I'm resigned to it and I do my best. But social occasions are beyond me.

Sorry to hear that.

There are group classes and meet ups around activities, eg sport, yoga, hiking, cycling, but if overexercise is a factor in your ED those kinds of things may not be a good idea.

What about the arts: am-dram, book groups, art, crafts or writing classes? Or car maintenance, foreign language, an allotment?!

Often any social stuff arising from organised groups or classes might be low key around pubs/cafes and you could just order a drink you’re comfortable with and say you don’t drink alcohol, are eating later or whatever.

With the former friends you withdrew from, did you not feel able to tell them that sadly you have an ED and find socialising with food difficult? Some may understand and adjust plans to help you feel comfortable.

Rather than trying to find ongoing ways to mask your condition I would urge you to seek help, even if it hasn't been successful in the past. You acknowledge that you have an eating disorder, so surely the best way forward - including meeting someone and having a healthy relationship - is to aim to get yourself back to having a healthy relationship with food? Have you contacted BEAT, the eating disorders charity?

I think both dozer and juneau have helpful suggestions
I second juneau's encouragement to seek help and support to recover. Don't give up on getting help! - If you don't feel ready to recover at the moment, possibly a positive first step would be to access ED recovery-focused social media.
Does anyone know about the ED? Can you talk to anyone about it and how you feel?

Keeping the eating disorder secret and putting on a 'normal' front is probably making you worse. Can you open up a bit?

I agree with getting help.

If you are settled on not getting help, why don't you just make something up - once you've told people they won't bother you again.

Say that you have an extreme food allergy and you will only eat food you have prepared. Or that you are a vegan and because so many ingredients have unknown animal products you prefer not to eat prepared food?

Or as regards alcohol, what's wrong with saying you are teetotal and only want water for example?

One of my closest friends had an eating disorder. She is very open about it, and has very strict eating rules for herself. She will measure all of her food - not to restrict herself, but to ensure that she is eating absolutely everything that she should. Anyway, it means that she takes her scales everywhere - restaurants included. She's relaxed about it, so nobody really questions it. My point is that this is an illness, and nothing to be ashamed of or kept hidden. If they are really your friends, they will take it in their stride and find ways to make socialising more comfortable for you. I'm not sure that being secretive about it is the best thing - I'm an alcoholic, although have been sober now for 16 years. In the past, people have been pushy about me drinking, so I just let them know why I don't drink, and that's that. If they continue to pressure me, then they don't have my best interests at heart, and I have to let them go as friends.