When DP and I separated almost a year ago, a main problem I cited was his lack of relationship with the DC and the fact that I never had any space from them because none of them wanted to be with him. I literally haven't left the house without them in years. I tried and it was disastrous. One of our DC is 4 and has autism, one is 7 and we also have a 2 year old and an EBF baby. When we separated, the DC and I moved and DP decided to give up his house and now sofa surfs and so has nowhere to take the DC.
Obviously with the baby being EBF I need to be there some of the time, but I would have been more than happy to walk the dog nearby or something so he could have time with DS. However, the reality of contact is that on his days off he loiters around my house, drinking my tea and helping himself to snacks. He will hold the baby inbetween feeds but ignores him and gives 2 year old his undivided attention. He undermines my house rules by letting 2 year old hit him, be rude, grab the baby, throw toys around and not tidy up ect. Two year old will play with him but won't do anything he says so he can't do anything practical like nappy changing or getting coats or shoes on. She won't stay with him so still comes on every school run. Even if I suggest he take her somewhere fun instead of having to come food shopping or whatever with me, she'll refuse and he won't be keen either.
The older DC also won't go out with him or be left with him. They too will play with him but have no respect for him. If we go out, it's like I'm there to sort out the practicalities while he gets to play fun dad - I have to pack the food, nappies, coats, boots ect, get them up and washed and ready, shoes and coats on, take them to the toilet and change nappies, sooth them if they're hurt. He just gets to play and hand them back for the practical and difficult bits and I'm fed up of it.
Tonight we took them swimming and the older three were all asking me to play with them but baby DS wouldn't settle with exDP so I ended up having to pack everything, get them all ready, take them to the toilet/for nappy changes, comfort them if they were upset, sort out disagreements, look after the baby then after getting to play with them for a couple of hours he swanned off to his friends house while I'm left to cook for and put to bed four hungry and tired DC.
I feel like if I refused to facilitate contact for the older ones at my house and told him to sort something so he can have them over/take them out without me then he'd stop seeing them because it would be too much hard work for him which makes me feel guilty as my decision may deprive them of a dad. However, I'm fed up of doing all the donkey work and resenting him having time to play/spend 1:1 with them which I can't have because none will stay with him and he won't push it. I feel like we're something to do and somewhere to go while his friends are at work and he has nothing else to do/nowhere else to go. AIBU to feel like not facilitating contact anymore?