Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To shudder at the thought of newborn visitors again...

50 replies

duckyquackers · 26/01/2018 22:03

I'm expecting soon and am already dreading the fun demands of 'newborn cuddles' hours/days after I've given birth. Relatives that you see about once a year max suddenly demanding a visit which from previous experience usually involves me and DH waiting on them hand and foot whilst they insist on playing pass the baby. I fucking hated it! The only ones that wouldn't do this were my parents.

I know people mean well and it's nice that they care but I honestly don't want gifts and I don't like visits straight away. Last time I had a serious 3rd degree tear and bad haemorrhage, I discharged myself early from hospital because I couldn't rest and I still couldn't when we got home. I felt like I was dying and I could barely sit down, yet was met with demanding messages from people asking when they were getting an invite.

Is it just my family that are like this? AIBU to withhold the announcement of birth until we are ready for the influx of visitors? Funny that they all pretty much disappeared once lo was a few months old

OP posts:

HermionesRightHook · 26/01/2018 22:57

Can you come up with a set reply to any "requests" - 'We're not having visitors until at least 4 weeks, do send us a message after that and we'll fit you in.'

If people come unannounced, go upstairs quietly with the baby after the hellos and just... don't come back until they've gone. DH will have to run interference.

dogfish1 · 26/01/2018 22:57

Flippin' heck, how hard can it be to say "No thanks, I'm really not feeling up to visitors ATM but I'll be in touch as soon as I can" ? And put the sign on the door for unexpected guests.

Most are well meaning and will totally understand, the rest can buzz off.

HairBlues · 26/01/2018 23:00

So true ducky. It’s a major ordeal/trauma to your body. If it was any other kind of trauma they’d be respectful about visiting but because there’s a baby involved you’re meant to be delighted at visitors, years/c section/bf woes notwithstanding... I wish my dh had been firmer esiscuslly with my first. He was always “it’s rude to say no/tell people a suitable time”.. if we weren’t so enthralled at the gang we’d have had a row about it for sure!

JuliannaBixby · 26/01/2018 23:00

You might find people are a lot less desperate to visit a second baby. It's less intense the second time certainly.

HairBlues · 26/01/2018 23:01

Gang?! Baby! (Although it feels like a gang sometimes )

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 23:04

This is where the Dutch practice of sending birth announcement cards is very handy. All of them include something along the lines of "if you want to visit call first" and it gives dad a chance to stop anyone except the closest visitors.

Maybe when you call people, or dad does, say something along those lines too and then you can filter visitors.

Yahdayah · 26/01/2018 23:06

We had a ten day old and the only people to visit so far are grandparents and my sibling. I follow Steph from DBHF on Instagram and she was really pro not having people over for a while and so I’ve stuck to it and it’s been wonderful.

I’ve had people text me regularly and be a little off with me because we won’t have them over but you have to do what’s best for you, your new baby and your family unit.

Good luck with your new arrival and I hope the birth is smoother this time for you

Dogsmom · 26/01/2018 23:07

I always feel it's a bit mean to be rude about people who care about you and your new baby, I'm sure people would be pissed off and chuntering about them if they'd not been bothered or excited during the pregnancy.

However you're a grown up and if you don't want visitors then simply post on social media or however you keep in touch to say baby has been born safely and you'll be happy to see people in a week or so once you're all settled.

IHATEPeppaPig · 26/01/2018 23:07

I was a lot more assertive with DC2 - no visitors (apart from grandparents) for first few days and then I refused to pass the baby around like a doll - with DC1 I was so anxious and didn't know how I was supposed to act/feel so was kind of forced into it, I put my foot down this time and it was a lot more pleasant experience.

Notso · 26/01/2018 23:23

I couldn't wait to show my newborns off. Although by the time I had DC3 and 4 the novelty must have worn off as I was virtually begging people to come and visit.

Biffsboys · 26/01/2018 23:40

Notso I’m with you - I loved having visitors to see my new baby . I had a horrible birth so it was a bit of respite to have happiness around me ?

BigBaboonBum · 26/01/2018 23:53

I don’t allow this. I hate it! I can’t imagine anything worse than pass-the-baby. I allow my parents to come in after I give birth to the hospital and briefly OHs, my brother for maybe ten minutes (not this time for him though) and then absolutely nobody until I’m done with my nesting at home. Just tell everybody nope, or just don’t tell them you’ve given birth!

ladymariner · 27/01/2018 00:00

Can't believe how many of you will allow your parents to come but not your in-laws....hardly seems fair.

NoNoCharlieRascal · 27/01/2018 00:04

I'm always a bit about these threads. I didn't get one visitor when ds was born. I had all these images from the posts on here of turning off the door bell and hiding from intrusive guests. Nope, nothing. After a long 2 weeks in hospital I was so desperate to show him off too! Had to make do with the local cafes and green grocers.

AlwaysPondering · 27/01/2018 00:04

Tell them that it exhausted you with your first and so you're going to hold off a little longer and spread out visiting.

Perhaps add that you want this precious time for bonding and to allow your eldest to adjust first.

Congratulations OP.

Littlechocola · 27/01/2018 00:06

Just say no.

Camomila · 27/01/2018 00:13

ladymarinar It’s not just about the baby though is it? The woman may have gone through surgery/had a traumatic birth etc. and is entitled to have some time and privacy to recover.

My MIL is lovely but if I was ill and needing help with stuff I’d feel uncomfortable asking her, but not my DM who has obviously known me all my life, seen me naked etc etc...

LittleRen · 27/01/2018 00:14

We just had number three and far less visitors it’s been amazing, only parents and siblings so far - bliss. I found for each baby that the visitors dwindled so fingers crossed you don’t get too many!

Withhindsight · 27/01/2018 00:16

Say when it's convenient for you and tell them to bring own biscuits and that they'll have to help themselves to tea and coffee- put kettle, mugs, coffee etc on bench with note by them" help yourselves". Don't stand up when they arrive, tell them where to hang coats and where kettle is and to help themselves. You were BU running around everyone last time, your job is to feed baby not the crowd

dkb15164 · 27/01/2018 11:08

I'm so glad I've found this thread, surprised how many feel the same way as my OH and I. Expecting first child, DD, in mid-April and I hate the idea of a bunch of visitors sitting around gawking at baby not doing anything while I'm desperate for a nap etc. We're hoping for an in-and-out birth as I'm young, fit and healthy with (I've been told) wide birthing hips. I've said to my partner that if it looks like we'll be out in ten hours, we'll hold off on the birth announcement until we get home and then say immediate family only for 10 days so we can have or privacy - immediate family including parents, brothers and in-laws are all well aware of where the coffee, tea, mugs, plates are and where everything in the kitchen is including the cleaning supplies. None of them will be offended if one of us decides to go for a nap or asks them if they can help clean up a little bit. The only people we have to keep an eye on are my partner's dad who is a bit facebook obsessed and not the best at following instructions in keeping things off social media and my mum who is a big socialite in our huge extended family and not very good at following instructions either. I've mentioned this to my mum and she doesn't seem very understanding as she has a slightly different experience as when she had my 2 brothers and I, we were in Australia and she didn't get any visitors until a few weeks after we were born except her friends (she was a midwife though so they just came and sat with her on their breaks) and she says she felt very lonely. She's very extroverted so would love the attention a newborn brings where I don't think she understands how much I hate attention of any kind. I know they have good intentions but my family have foot in mouth disease and have previously said things in the past that while well meaning are ignorant and upsetting. So glad to see other people feel the same way about family visiting, we thought we might be causing a huge social faux pas not letting people visit.

NoParticularPattern · 27/01/2018 11:12

Oh god I know how you feel OP! I’m getting ready to practice my very best, exceptionally polite “we have two kettles, pick one. Cups in the cupboard, milk in the fridge and tea/coffee/sugar on the side” speech. Whilst I sit somewhere comfortably awaiting my cuppa. However the reality will likely be a large number of people with children coming in and out all day, with me feeling like I absolutely must wait on them. Or stab them.

Genuinely considering ghosting most of our family members in preparation!!

CalamityJane75 · 27/01/2018 12:13

I had a emergency c section with DD, we told everyone when she was here safe and sound along with the message that we would be organising a day for everyone to come and visit her. Que lots of texts congratulating us and saying when they were available!
We had my parents that afternoon by choice as they weren't just there for new born cuddles they were there to see me after a major op, and the next day we had my MIL & SIL. Absolutely no one else was aloud in after that, my husband was a fantastic gatekeeper and held them off till we were ready. We decided that the Saturday after we got home, baby would have been about 12 days old, we would have it as an open day where anyone who wanted to visit could between the hours of 10.00am -2pm and 3pm-7pm due to babies feeding times. As everyone was from DH's side he did all the tea making while I got gawked at as they had never seen a mother who had had a CS or who was formula feeding by choice!!
Do what you need to for your family, hopefully you have a supportive partner who will do the heavy lifting when it comes to visitors!
for you, congratulations on DC2

happypoobum · 27/01/2018 12:28

YANBU at all but why do you think you have to have visitors?

Is DH on board?

Just say no visitors until at least a fortnight after birth, and even then, depending on recovery. Or specify only XYZ can visit (when invited)

I am not sure what you are worried about really. Are your family horrible bullies who will still turn up and cause a scene? I just turned phone off, took battery out of doorbell and had a lovely time when my DC were babies.

CondimentQueen · 27/01/2018 14:21

I hear you OP. People go nuts over newborns. I had a friend who turned up at 8am for a visit on a Sunday morning because that was the only time that suited her that weekend. No thought for the fact I had a 4-day-old baby with a 2-year-old sister.

Funnily enough, I've not seen her since and DD2 is now 2.5yrs old! Still not sure why there was the desperation to see her

Honeycombcrunch · 27/01/2018 14:59

During the first few days with a newborn you only want to see people who are prepared to bring lunch and make cups of tea for you. If you think they won't help then make them wait for a week to visit after you get home.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.