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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to make amends AIBU

20 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 26/01/2018 17:14

This past year or so hasn't been easy for me in terms of mental health issues and feeling very low about myself. Through this, there are a few ties I've severed I'd like to make amends with

Ex partner- when we met he wasn't exactly single let's just say that. I was disgusted to find out he was perusing me when he was still with his current girlfriend. Through months and several low points in my life I managed to fall in love with him and we began a brief affair. (Please don't flame me I'm being honest)
It became clear he wouldn't leave his partner and I was very dependent on him. I became obsessive and annoying and he broke times with me over the past few months. I was heartbroken at a guy who told me he loved me and wanted to be with me completely broke ties off with me. I regret how it ended and only wanted to be friends in the end. I fell for the oldest trick in the book but was young and naive. Now I want to make amends because I don't like being on bad terms with anyone. 2 years on hes single now and i have a boyfriend but feel guilty for how things have ended. I feel I have pushed him away as a friend by being crazy and obsessive. I have a lot of abandonment issues due to the death of a lot of people close to me and I'm just so lost right now :(

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 26/01/2018 17:20

Tbh I would just leave it & chalk it up to a bad experience.
Are you having counselling or anything for your abandonment issues?

redexpat · 26/01/2018 17:26

Why would you want to be friends with someone who cheated on their partner and then unceremoniously dumped you?

If he was interested in a friendship with you he would have initiated it. Life isnt necessarily like a soap opera or a sitcom - no one I know is genuinely friends with an ex (not saying it doesnt happen, just not as often as tv would have us believe). I bet he doesnt ever think about you and wish you were friends, or that it had ended on better terms. Not everyone deserves your friendship.

I think you would be better off chalking this one up to experience, drawing a line under it and moving on.

EnglishRose13 · 26/01/2018 17:30

Why? What could this guy possibly add to your life? He sounds like an idiot and you're clearly better off without him.

Forget about him.

slashlover · 26/01/2018 17:31

He cheated on his GF, chased you in the first place, he lied to you and told you he wanted to be with you even though he had no intention of leaving his GF.

Why do you care what this guy thinks?

barefoofdoctor · 26/01/2018 17:33

Why would you waste your thoughts on such a cheating vulture of a man? Put it out of your head knowing you are a better person now and were vulnerable so easy pray to that fucker.

SwarmOfCats · 26/01/2018 18:00

Don’t get in touch; there is nothing positive this person can add to your life. Focus on the people who are important to you now, and perhaps consider speaking to somebody about your abandonment issues to see if you can work through them?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 18:23

This kind of thinking is very very bad for your mental health
I want to make amends because I don't like being on bad terms with anyone.

In life you can't be on good terms with everyone. Being upset at yourself because a lying cheating cunt of an ex broke up with you is not a sign of your MH being stable. Wanting more contact with a proven cock who damaged your mental health is a bad sign.

Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can talk this through with?

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 26/01/2018 18:35

Thanks for your lovely responses.

To answer those questions about counselling I have been briefly before but wasn't sure it helped me. Maybe I could try again and see as I think it would be really beneficial :)

Also a few weeks ago I tried to make amends with him because I was feeling guilty and stuff and he gave me one line answers on email and was with his mate in the kitchen at work and blanked. I sent him an email saying I just wanted to be honest as id not been mentally well at that timr and was still suffering - i waited behind at work for ages for reply but he read my message and ignored it and went and sat with his friend again. I don't think there's much point bothering again like you have all said.

I need to improve my self worth and stop feeling guilty because he made me feel like I was being unreasonable to him for being naggy and emotional

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 26/01/2018 19:26

In the nicest possible way.

Don't be so fucking stupid. Every time he enters your mind push the thought away do not engage !

Keep yourself busy without damaging yourself, emailing this man is self-harm

Crabbitstick · 26/01/2018 19:31

I'm sorry but I think he's response shows how much he values you.
There is a saying 'when someone shows you who they are believe them'.
He does not deserve any more of your energy. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to make amends for. Focus on being kind to yourself.

hesterton · 26/01/2018 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smarmydrippings · 26/01/2018 19:45

I say this with good intent. You need to chuck this in the fuck it bucket and move on.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 26/01/2018 19:48

I want to make amends because I don't like being on bad terms you need to lose this particular trait-it will only do you harm. This man is fucking scum & you should not give a flying fuck on his opinion of you.
Please go back to counselling or whatever will help you deal with your issues, it really can only be beneficial.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 27/01/2018 00:07

@outofmydepth Yes I couldn't agree more! I've been far stronger than this before when dealing with far worse...I just need to move on x

@crabbit. i couldn't agree more its definitely self harm:( it's just that awkward tie of feeling guilty for how I've been and staying the hell away

@nofucking. I'm going to get help I think. this guy doesn't give a toss and I need to get help for my emotions

thanks everyone. I know I'm not being the best and dignity is being lost. I just kind of wish he cared enough to hear me out. you're right though I need to stay away

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 27/01/2018 23:40

This has been getting me down today - just trying to move past feelings of screwing things up with people. having a low day.

I will look into counselling options tomorrow, it's a big step and may unearth some demons Sad

OP posts:
hesterton · 28/01/2018 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 28/01/2018 09:46

All you’re doing is reaffirming that you’re an obsessive person by trying to make amends and contact with him after two years. Leave him alone...the cheating, using, lying tossbag isn’t interested and has long moved on. You should do the same.
Sorry to be blunt.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 31/01/2018 14:21

After he had ignored my attempts if making amends he messaged me today (something work related) asking if I was in the shared spreadsheet (so I could exit it and he could access).

So irritated he ignores my message then soon as something suits him he's in there with the messaging not acknowledging what I said AngrySad

OP posts:
pictish · 31/01/2018 18:16

His request was work related. He doesn’t want a personal relationship with you.

KimmySchmidt1 · 31/01/2018 18:22

To be honest it sounds like you are making up reasons to see him and continue the emotional experience you had with him one way or another. He treated you badly and you don’t owe him anything. I’m sure he is relaxed about it and not hurting, so there’s no real reason to feel guilty.

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