Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Be an actual parent or F off altogether!

24 replies

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:06

ExDP has next to no contact with 3yo DD. We've been separated for 2 and a half years now, he sees her once or twice a month, at max. Sometimes months will pass with no contact.
I gave up "harassing" him into seeing her years ago as it was far too stressful (and resulted in me and DD waiting somewhere cold and wet for him to never show up). Now I let him get in touch when he wants to see her. Which is rare and random. He'll throw a strop every few months or so and start spewing all sorts of lies, such as he's been in touch with "fathers for justice" or something along those lines because he believes he's being treated unfairly... I encourage him to go ahead because I've never stopped him from seeing her.
I'd like it if he was actually a proper part of her life instead of someone who she sees a handful of times a year.

AIBU to demand he organises regular contact or just buggers off completely?
DD hasn't got a clue who he is.
I'm just fed up of the random meet ups at the very last minute.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 26/01/2018 15:07

What does he mean by being treated unfairly?

Cheby · 26/01/2018 15:09

YANBU. Your poor DD.

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:11

He thinks I should bring her to him and wait outside his shared accommodation (with his mates who all still love to go to free parties and sniff anything they can) whilst he plays "Dad" for half an hour. He also thinks he should be allowed in my house (he's not, because he was abusive and terrifying and I've worked my ass off to replace everything he destroyed upon leaving)
Neither of us drive, he lives about a 20 minute walk away.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/01/2018 15:15

He needs to make a regular commitment...if supervised contact. You can't be a part time parent.

FFJ have some very decent dads who have been unfairly prevented to have a r/s with their kids...although many are hopeless /deadbeats/ sex offenders and generally people who shouldn't ever have access to kids...

In your case: If he's been that violent, proceed with caution. I would encourage you to ring social services for advice.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/01/2018 15:17

PS violent adults should never have unsupervised access to their small children

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/01/2018 15:17

Then every time he says... FFJ says this or that... You know you have soc serv/law on your side!

Natsku · 26/01/2018 15:19

YANBU, it is unfair on your DD for contact to be sporadic like that. And if he was abusive then supervised contact would be best.

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:20

He'd never hurt her.

And I never went to the police, I did take photos of injuries but have since deleted them. So its my word v his.
He doesn't see her unsupervised at all, hasn't since she was 18 months, as he looked after her one night, didn't change her bum more than once, and she only ate thanks to my best friend who was next door thankfully. One of his mates went and stole chicken nuggets from tesco for her dinner too... He's such a poor excuse for a parent, but she deserves to know her real dad right?

God the more I say the worse he sounds Confused -not confused

OP posts:
WelcomeToThePartyPal · 26/01/2018 15:21

He sees your DC with his druggie mates? No way!

My exh wanted to see DS the other day and said he would pick him up in his new neighbours car, with new neighbour driving. I refused. I don't know the neighbour and wasn't going to allow my son in a car with a stranger!

If he wants contact then arrange it somewhere public like McDonald's or local park or something. If necessary, see a solicitor to make it legal.

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:24

@WelcomeToThePartyPal
ohhh noooo. He does not, thats his idea of "unfair treatment"

When he does want to see her we meet in a public place. Went to Subway the week before Christmas but his lift turned up after 20 minutes so that was a short meet up (which is fine by me but not fair on DD at all )

OP posts:
Flabbermingo · 26/01/2018 15:24

If he wants contact he can have it on a regular basis in a contact centre. I have no idea how you arrange this, maybe contact your HV and ask.

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:28

@Flabbermingo
I think I'll have to look into this.
I was thinking of writing a letter to him stating he needs to be regular especially as she's growing up and starting to understand more everyday. Would this be a ridiculous idea though? Just thinking if I was to write a letter he wouldn't be able to start spewing lies about anything.

OP posts:
WelcomeToThePartyPal · 26/01/2018 15:29

Oh sorry Wishful I got the wrong end of the stickBlush

He sounds exactly like my x. It was ds1's bday last week and his dad didn't even ring him. And yet there's other weeks where he's on the phone constantly wanting to be the perfect dad.

The calls/visits only happen when he's sober Sad

Natsku · 26/01/2018 15:30

He sounds pathetic. She has a right to know her dad but that doesn't mean she has to be put through this. If he won't agree to regular contact at a contact centre then I'd do something like taking her to a certain cafe once a month and giving him the option to turn up and spend time with her but don't tell her beforehand in case he doesn't turn up - if he doesn't turn up then it's just a trip out to a cafe for the two of you and make the most of that.

BertieBotts · 26/01/2018 15:32

Honestly, I would just ignore him. Don't give him any ultimatum. If he wants to see her only agree if it's convenient, otherwise offer an alternative time which suits you. XP was like this with DS and in the end he stopped bothering. Suits us fine. I moved away in the end - he hadn't seen him for 2 years at that point.

Cath2907 · 26/01/2018 15:35

You can arrange directly with a contact centre. I'd do that.

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2018 15:36

I think you either have to sort out regular contact (once a week, once a month, what ever) or stop contact completely, if you stop contact he will then threaten to take you to court, let him, if he takes you to court he will be given regular contact at either a contact centre or he comes and takes her out, the fact that he has no safe place to take her (as he house shares) and you refuse to have him in your home he is unlikely to be given much contact at all. A contact centre is probably the best option.

I really don’t understand some people, he lives 20 minutes walk away yet he doesn’t make the effort to see her?, he could take her to the park, to a cafe or just for a walk. Has he got relatives near by that could supervise visits at their houses (Grandparents etc..)?

Cath2907 · 26/01/2018 15:38

This tells you how to go about arranging the use of a contact centre:
naccc.org.uk/help-for-adults/how-are-visits-arranged

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/01/2018 15:57

I would get a lawyer to write any letters...

Regardless of not having evidence... You know he is violent and as such should only have properly supervised contact...

I've heard many men say they would never hurt their kids... One was prosecuted for manslaughter after his other kids death and one man was prosecuted for the 2 broken legs and compound arm fractures on his toddler...

They both managed to trick professionals... You can't guarantee he won't be violent to her....

He has smashed up your home and frightened you, what happens when she 'annoys' him in some way??
Don't let your daughter be a statistic

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 15:59

He says he can't afford to take her out (he doesn't pay maintence either) so it's always an expense to me if he wants to see her.
@Natsku I really like your idea of a set date/time/place then if he shows he shows

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 26/01/2018 16:01

See, I'm not agreeing with the whole "she deserves to know her real dad, right?" thing.

He's a violent druggy loser. He should never see her unsupervised, as you've said, and you've never prevented him from seeing her. So, you're doing it all right. When she's older, and hopefully by then equipped to deal emotionally with the fact that her dad is a twat, then she/you can chat and see what can be sorted out, if she wants it and he's willing.

Right now your job is to protect her from fools like this. Don't get so caught up in the must-see-her-dad thing. She needs YOU, the stable parent, to love her and keep her secure.

My ex hasn't bothered with the dc for over three years now. Like your ex, he seemed to think it was my job to facilitate meetings. It is not. He is a violent abusive drunken fool with a criminal record, and he stole from us so would never set foot in my house again.

I told him back then, and I'd say the same now-if he's interested in the children, he'd have to go through the courts. I think you should do the same.

A very wise family lawyer I know told me at the time, when I was still worrying about keeping them in contact because "he's their dad", said to me "you've done all you can. You are not obliged to keep up contact just because the other adult can't be bothered". He was so so right.
I stopped running around enabling my ex's shit and surprise surprise, he never ever bothered with his kids again.

Which, as it happens, is the absolute best ever thing he could have done for them as he is a dangerous bell end.

They are well, happy and gorgeous. They know he's out there, but they're not bothered in the slightest. Currently 10 and 7, if they want to get In touch with him they can of course. By then I hope they will know just how to deal with sociopaths like him!

hollyisalovelyname · 26/01/2018 17:21

OP
You sound as if you have your s*it together so what attracted you to this excuse a dad ?

WishfulThoughts · 26/01/2018 17:32

@PeppermintPasty
Some wise words there, thank you.

@hollyisalovelyname
Haha, wish I knew. He was lovely until the first year was up

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 26/01/2018 21:03

This isn't about your or your ex. It's about your daughter. This fuckhead doesn't treat her well. So why on earth should your little girl have to put up with his whims?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread