Ended relationship with lazy DH

[SpocksEars]

posting here for the traffic -
I’ve ended my relationship with my lazy, selfish DH two months ago and I’m looking to hear positive stories from others who have done the same thing. I was so sick of doing EVERYTHING. He did the bare minimum and had a thousand different excuses not to do stuff. I couldn’t have our children thinking that is normal and I gave up trying to talk to him about it. But I miss him lots and I have to keep reminding myself that we deserve better and I’ve done the right thing. Are you glad you ended things with your lazy DH?

Yes very much so! I've had to stand on my own two feet for the first time ever but so so glad I upped and left. Obviously it was bloody hard/upsetting egg for a while after but you really do get only one shot at life (as far as we know ). It is a very brave step to take but you can be in control of your future now without someone dragging you down.

Can’t relate personally but well done for taking the step and I hope you feel better

I did this with my DS 6 dad when he was 2 years old (DS that is not Ex). I had been with him 7 years and he was the laziest sod I have ever met. I did everything around the house, all of the childcare, cooking and making sure DS had all his appointments, clothing and food.

He was an emotional abuser on top of this so even though it took a while for me to make the leap and end it properly, my life became 100 times easier without a doubt. It is always easier doing everything alone without another grown adults mess, and the sheer exhaustion of feeling emotionally drained from the situation.

Even though in my head the relationship was over for a long time, it still took me close to a year to stop thinking back and romanticising the relationship (and trust me, there was nothing romantic about it). I knew in my heart that being alone was a lot healthier and I didnt back down even when he was begging and promosing to change. They soon change tact when it doesnt work though, and their true nasty colours shine through.

Just give yourself time and remember how you used to feel.

Hi Spocks - I know how you feel. My ExP was extremely lazy in the house and also a cocklodger so I was breadwinner, housemaid, wifework etc. I don’t feel the resentment that I had eg waiting for the kitchen bin to be emptied when he said he’d do it, and finally after lots of nagging and ‘yeah, I’ll do the bin’ I would finally do it through gritted teeth. Now I just get on and do stuff as just one adult in the house.

However, I do miss being a couple sometimes. He was a very pleasant person, so laid back he was horizontal, so it was an easy relationship in one way but over the years I lost all love and respect - it was like having a middle aged toddler (and on top of the other 3 kids I have I didn’t need that!)

But on the whole I am much happier and no longer feel like I’m being taken for a mug. I’m concentrating on me and the kids for the time being. 💐

Not got a lazy DH, but if he were, I'd do the same. There is a lot of drudgery in day to day life and it shouldn't all fall on you. I really do believe we only come this way once and you should be happy. I think it's disrespectful. Add on the emotional abuse, you did the right thing.

I also believe we only get one shot at life bare and we need to try and fully live our lives, not just exist in the daily drudgery. Thank you sparkles and mrsdilber. Maddie my DH has also been begging and promising to change but I’ve heard it all before, a lot, and nothing changes. I’ve also had him threatening suicide, angry texts and phone calls to me and people around me etc. Gara, it’s funny you mention the empty bin test. I waited a few times to see if he’d empty it without me ‘nagging’ (I hate that word) and it never got emptied. He’d let it overflow and rubbish fall onto the floor without cleaning it up. I also felt like it was a lack of respect for me and our home. I’d often joke with people I had four children instead of the three but it wasn’t funny. X

Wow this doesn't sound like a good enough reason to split from dh with 3 kids involved?!?!

What examples do you have ?
(Lazyness shouldn't be a deal breaker) but when u say selfish can you elaborate?

Lazyness shouldn't be a deal breaker

Erm, why the fuck not? Should she expect to be a slave for the rest of her marriage, running round doing everything because her lazy DH refuses to help?

pictures - I agree that some drive and enthusiasm is attractive.
My ExP didn’t care about anything at all. He didn’t care that the relationship was ending either . I suggested going to a couples counselling but he didn’t want to / be bothered to even talk about anything (either with a third party or directly with me). He just shrugged and left (onto new pastures, find another mug). That was probably the most upsetting for me, realising he actually didn’t give a shit when I was crying and really wanting to fix us.

There was the time I was feeling really ill and had to call a relative and ask them to come and get our baby because he was a bit hung over and didn’t want to look after the baby. I nearly passed out getting the baby ready. He repeatedly refuses to come with us to family events at the last minute. The children ask why he isn’t there and I can’t keep excusing him. He just can’t be arsed spending time with us or socialising with our friends and family. There are people who already thought I was a single parent because they’ve never met him. He sees less of his side of the family than I do. He will sit looking at his phone while I clean the house from top to toe and not offer to lift a finger. If I ask him to do anything it’s always “I’ll do it later” and it never gets done. The kids do more cleaning than he does. He’s never cooked them or me a meal. If I get home late from work he’ll just give them biscuits until I get in. I don’t want to put too much detail because it’s outing. We should have an equal partnership and we don’t. I know I’ve made the right decision for myself and my children but it’s a very difficult time and I need to hear positive stories from others who’ve done it and came out the other side happier.

Spocks you've definitely made the right decision, especially with the last update - ooh the phone, used to really annoy me, the amount of time he spent flicking through it whilst I was running myself ragged.
I'm sorry it's a difficult time for you - and you can't help but thinking of the good times. But yes I am definitely happier now, more so as time goes on, feel freer etc. Also don't want my kids to see it as normal behavior - either the DS's or DD, she is being instructed that equal parenting, housework etc is important, plus being financially independent so she is not caught and stuck.

And you know what, when ExP left it made not one jot of difference as he contributed nothing positive to our life at all, no finance, no housework, no DIY, no gardening - nada!
He does see kids, wafting in and out when he feels like it, but he is 'nice' and they are happy. But he's more like a cuddly Uncle, does no parenting.

That’s true Gara. I can’t help but think of the good times (and we had lots) but they don’t make the bad times okay. When I ended things he kept either shouting and swearing at me in front of the kids or crying and trying to keep hugging me. He refused to move out our family home so the kids and I had to stay in a hostel for homeless people for a while. If he truly loved us he wouldn’t have let that happen. He’s trying to make more of an effort with the kids now but I worry he’ll gradually start making excuses and let them down in the future. X