Feel like I'm not coping well

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

Last year was truly awful. Found out my DP was having an affair with my best friend, and a month later my little sister died at 33. Decided to give DP another chance and to be honest things are working well. He’s trying hard etc. Won’t ever forget what he’s done but my loosing my DS put things into perspective for me anyway. I have 4
DD 16, 9,8,3 and Work a full time (extremely stressful) job in a very male dominated industry. I do very well, it’s a sales role, money’s great etc, however this month is just terrible and I won’t hit my target. We’ll manage just fine on my basic but I hate the fact I’m not going to hit my target. My boss is being supportive and telling me it’s the time of year etc (well give me a lower target then) but i feel like I just can’t cope with day to day things like I could.
I’m constantly snapping at the kids and I hate feeling like this and not really having any control over my emotions. I sometimes cry over nothing.
When my sister died I went to the doctors for some help and they said I was suffering from anxiety so gave me some beta blockers. I haven’t taken any in Months but the last 2 days I’ve had the full dose. I just want to feel like my old self again.....the person who could literally cope with anything!

OP give yourself a break, you've had a really rough time and sound like you're doing very well in the circumstances

It sounds like you have masses to cope with and you're already spinning many plates. Today woman are expected to be super human and never to complain about it.
Try to take a few minutes to just be in the present moment, think about what's causing you the most stress and worry. Give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed as it's not surprising that you do
Everyone snaps at their children sometimes, don't feel guilty.
Losing your sister at such a young age was so tragic it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Have you had any counselling to talk about how you're feeling and to get some coping strategies?

Gosh - what a lot you have on your plate - a cheating DH, the tragic death of your DSis, four children ranging from toddler to teen, and a hugely stressful job.

OP I think something's got to give. Is this job still right for you as a grown woman with so many responsibilities? Would taking a less stressful one help? Have you had any grief counselling to give you the space to at least begin to come to terms with your DSis' death? If the answer is no, then I think you should consider it. Similarly, have you and your DH had relationship counselling since reconciling? Again, I think you need to talk through what happened and try to understand what went wrong, or it could happen again.

for you. You sound exhausted, sad and strung out (which, in the circumstances, is not surprising). Cut yourself some slack, if you can. Taking beta blockers is fine as a sticking plaster, but you need to address the underlying problems, not just soldier on until you fall apart.

I’ve thought about counselling and my gp suggested it but I literally threw myself back into work the day after the funeral, id been off work 3 weeks whilst she was sick and I guess I felt obliged/wanted and excuse to get back to normal. I’ve never suffered with feelings like this before. It’s very overwhelming and something I’m not used to. I’ve always been the strong one. I may look into counselling and see if it helps.

Often we dont allow ourselves time to recover from losing a close family member. Counselling may or may not be helpful for you but it will give you the opportunity to speak about your feelings to someone who's can listen without judgement. You're doing your best to keep your self going. Be a bit kinder to yourself and don't belittle when you've been through

I couldn’t leave my job juneau it’s literally the only thing that keeps me sane. I’ve been with the company since day one.
Plus the money is great lol. It’s just this month is always challenging. January is a crap month!

I assume you also lost your best friend through all of this? A sister, best friend and in essence, the DH you thought you had. Those losses are enormous, and life changing. No wonder you feel like you are not coping. Too much for most people to suck up and keep all the balls in the air. Please try counselling and look for ways to be kind to you.

Is there anywhere you can create some “you” time? Whether it’s once a week or a bigger thing once a month?

Anything from a kind of exercise to pampering or time with friends or learning something new?

I think some head space where it’s not related to Home or work would help x

The best friend now someone I say hello
To when needed, we have kids that are in the same class and have been bffs for
6 years!

To be fair middle class DP and I managed a trip away out of the country for 2 nights last week. Was just what I needed, but then we get back to the kids and the 2 DSS for the weekend and I felt overwhelmed again. Maybe something regular would help but I need a new circle of friends!

It so bad like your gp was helpful but only with time have you seen what they have and that you may need some extra support to cope or think about what gives. So why not go back to them and talk through the options. It sounds like it’s time for some self care to process all that has been happening

I'm so sorry you lost your sister.

You lost your husband as you knew him, your best friend and your sister all at once. You've had to cope with all these things alone. Now your boss is giving you an unrealistic target and suddenly you feel out of control.

What happens when targets aren't met? What has happened to others? Are targets ever changed? Do the other guys at work brush it off if they don't meet a target? Is there someone there whose attitude you can emulate?

I found betablockers were amazing but took more than a few days to work. Perhaps stick with them for while?

*sounds not bad! One handed typing whilst in dark with toddler who isn’t asleep yet!

Would you consider talking to your boss and telling her/him that the unrealistic targets are creating so much stress you are now on beta blockers. I think they need to know and adjust the targets.

You need more support, counselling is a good idea. Mediation every day and time out once a week. Your life sounds exhausting in every way and your body is screaming it is too much.
I ignored that message too and ended up very ill which will be the next thing.
Everything needs to be dialled down

I think if you make it regular that you have a day to yourself at least you know it’s coming.

It may not sound like much and it’s not everybody’s cup of tea but I get to mooch around town and have lunch with myself (and a cocktail) to escape. For me it’s my own time in my own head space. I suffer with depression and anxiety and it’s really helped me having that time to date myself a little and find my feet again as I’m a sahp and I felt I had lost myself completely.

My boss has written it off as a bad month. The only consequence is no bonus! I’m sure once this dreadful month is over I’ll be ok. Just I had big expectations for this year after the crap I had last year. I think that’s why maybe I’m feeling so down.
Normally such a positive person so never felt like this before. Oh well it’s Friday so it’s not all bad