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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad ?

18 replies

YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 11:46

hello mumsnetters
i have had a couple of posts recently about seperating from my partner.
well the wheels are in motion now - and after the initial adrenaline rush and elation ....is it normal to feel sadness / regret/ insecurity/ fear ?

He did and said some terrible things to me , probably would be classed as abusive , but i feel like I have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I was foolish with finances etc and became so dependent on him in every way. I could kick myself. I have seen a solicitor and it was not great news ....now i have fear. Have I ruined DS life ? was i too hasty ? should I have tried harder to make it work ? even - have I done the right thing?

has anybody else had these feelings and come out the other side ?

i wanted to leave him because I was so unhappy .....but I am so unhappy now i've done it - what was the point.

i feel so pathetic

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 25/01/2018 11:49

Yes thats completely normal. You had hopes for a relationship, and it didn't work out. You need time to adjust to being single, and to grieve for what might have been before you can move on, so be kind to yourself.

Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 11:54

Thanks Upstart ( your name is misleading you're lovely ! )

that's how I feel - sad that it didn't work out.

i feel like i have to move on now at lightning speed, I'm anxious and panicky and scared.

feelings are such a nuisance !

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/01/2018 11:57

You poor thing. It's completely normal to feel like you're doing. He has abused you and stripped away your confidence.

You are doing the right thing for you and your son. Keep repeating that. It will get better, you will feel better.

Do you have some support from family or friends?

Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 12:07

thanks Duck for your kind words

I do have a tremendous amount of support from all my family and I have 2 very close friends that have propped me up. I also have a wider group of friends that I am reconnecting with , which is a good thing.

However , they have not been through anything like this , and I wanted to speak to women on here that have recently been through it , just as proof that life does get better . at the moment the only other person that understands the impact on my ds is my exdp ! and I don't want to be talking about my worries to him.

I have started a new job but I can only get part time at the moment and the last time i was looking for a job ( when I was a young hot thing in the city lol ) i was actually headhunted ! how times have changed. I kind of feel like I have been brought so low . silly and vain , sorry.

OP posts:
Ixiepixie · 25/01/2018 12:27

"Have I ruined DS's life?"

No. It would have been far more damaging for him if you stayed in what sounds like an abusive relationship

"I wanted to leave him because I was so unhappy, but I am so unhappy now I've done it"

The difference is that the unhappiness you feel because you've left him will pass in time unlike the constant unhappiness and sense of helplessness that comes with being in an abusive relationship

Big hugs OP Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 25/01/2018 12:33

It's entirely normal to feel the way you do. It will come in waves, at times randomly. By your own admission he has done and said terrible things. The relationship has broken down and you're now engaging in the process of rebuilding your life. How old is your son?
Take it day by day. Don't be harsh on yourself. If you want to cry, cry. Think of it like a new chapter in your life that you are writing.

Trinity66 · 25/01/2018 12:36

It's absolutely normal and absolutely necessary as well I think to "grieve" the relationship (even it was a bad one)Even bad habits are hard to break. I think in order for you to move on with your life you do need to mourn for a little bit, you will be ok and you will get over it and you will be happier in the end Flowers

WelcomeToThePartyPal · 25/01/2018 12:40

Firstly well done op, you've taken the first step which is the hardest!

I'm a sp, have been for years, and yes it's hard and stressful and yes, money is tight but you need to remember one thing, especially when things seem tough - you're free!

And as for your DS, he will get to see how strong his DM is and he'll be proud of everything you have done for him, because make no mistake, the decision you made to leave is not only in YOUR best interests but his as well. Take that from someone who grew up in an abusive home. And not being able to afford holidays/presents isn't a bad thing, it's a chance to teach your DS what is really important in life.

So yes, feeling sad is normal but just keep reminding yourself of how much better off you are - even if you start to worry you're not.

Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 12:41

thanks everybody , i know you are right

DS is 4 in a couple of weeks. he adores his dad and to be fair his dad adores him ( unless it involves any real parenting of course ! )

thanks again , so much . at least i have stopped crying !

OP posts:
Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 12:43

Welcome , I only just saw your post. Thank you . I am finding the idea of being a single parent very daunting and worrying I will not be up to scratch.

thanks for sharing your experience , it really does help

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 25/01/2018 12:50

I am finding the idea of being a single parent very daunting and worrying I will not be up to scratch.

I became a SP when my DD was 2(I've since met someone else and got married etc) and I was so scared of having the responsibility of this person all on my own, I went through a few weeks of hell and fear and sadness and then one day I decided to paint my bathroom, I got up went out, bought the paint and painted it all and I remember standing back to look at my handy work and all of a sudden I had this over whelming feeling of achievement and of knowing I can do anything I want on my own and I would never let myself lose that independence and self belief again no matter what happened. Seems like such a silly thing but it was such a turning point in my life

Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 12:59

Trinity that's amazing , a bit of a lightbulb moment for you.

I used to be like that , I was single for a long time , but no kids.

I'm so angry with myself that i gave up my independence so easily, i have been a real fool.

I will take your inspiration and belief I can get it back

good to know you will keep that part of yourself even though you are in another relationship. that's where I went wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 16:53

I just want to thank you all for "talking me down " earlier. You really helped me.
I feel much better now , no doubt I'll swing back the other way soon !
It's reassuring to know that there will be up and downs.....I just automatically assumed I'd transform into a happy confident woman overnight x

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/01/2018 16:56

You are stronger than you think OP.
Wishing you all the luck in the world Flowers

Helendee · 25/01/2018 17:16

It's totally normal, you have to go through a mourning period and grieve for all that's gone and all the hopes you may have had for the future.
I firmly believe that things happen for a reason and that, given time, you will see that you acted for the best.
I wish you every happiness.

barefoofdoctor · 25/01/2018 17:43

You were unhappy in the relationship and it's likely you'd have been unhappy indefinitely. You've had the courage to leave and that takes some courage. Of course you are unhappy now, you need to grieve and adjust to massive changes and learn to stand on your own feet. But happiness is yours for the taking. It might not be now or next month but one day soon You'll be so glad you did this. I remember when the darkness lifted after I left exdh of 10 years. Was so so sad to have left but thoroughly miserable with him with no hope of the situation improving. A few months post (messy and complicated split) I remember walking down the road and this euphoric feeling just engulfed me and I though this is freedom! Yes it's been hard; financially, mentally and physically. When you marry at 24 and have always been in a relationship since well, teenage, being alone is scary as fuck but so bloody amazing! I always work to 6 months ahead; In 6 months I won't feel like this, in 6 months I can make serious changes, in 6 months I'll look back on this and laugh. Always works!

UpstartCrow · 25/01/2018 17:48

Glad to hear you're feeling better, post again if you have a wobble.
This is only a stage and it will pass Flowers

Original poster
YesitsJacqueline · 25/01/2018 20:09

Thanks everybody . I feel ok ish now ! It seems the general consensus that it gets worse before it gets better kind of thing
And you ladies are proof that it does indeed get better. Thank you all so much .
I'm getting a super early night as I have not slept much this week .

OP posts:
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