AIBU to feel like I don't have right letting myself to grieve

[Vitotitto]

My grandma passed away last Friday night.
We've been very very close.
She had been bedridden for 3 years at that time. Suffering dementia, leg trauma and severe osteoporosis (this one for more than 10 years though ). It was really painful for her.

My mom was her main caregiver, it was very hard emotionally because of her dementia and hallucinations.
We lost my grandpa 5 years ago same time of the year.
We are all at loss. My poor mom is at loss. And I guess all of us feel guilty to cry properly because the death was a huge relief for her, as she experienced lots and lots of pain despite the painkillers. I don't know how to deal with it.

Could not attend the funeral, because of the weather. They had tonnes of snow and even if I went I would just have been stuck in the airport. That makes me feel much worse though.

My grandma and grandpa were an amazing couple. Had an amazing sense of humour. Loving, kind, caring. It hurts a lot that it's just a memories now. I know I'm lucky to have those memories.. But still..

Their marriage lasted 64 years. He passed away on their anniversary 5 years ago.

Don't want my 2.8 y.o. son to see me crying. He brought a napkin to wipe my tears last time..

Just to brighten this up a tiny bit with a story. My grandpa served in the army and they had been located in Germany after WWII. He had a friend who was very talented at writing. So he asked him to help with romantic letter. Well they did it)) a long letter about wonderful brown eyes and how he misses those eyes. the reply he had was : ' '"are you sure it's about my eyes? Because my eyes are grey". ))

I love them dearly. Will miss them forever.

You are being unreasonable OP. Of course you have the right to grieve. I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle on yourself

We grieve for the person they were all their lives. My dm died recently. She was severely incapacitated at the end . I was glad to see her escape that and worse. But my grief is for her all my life ..for that loss. Please allow yourself to grieve. And missing the funeral is twice as difficult as a lot of chat and storytelling around that helps with the grief. Can you get together with your family soon? Visit her grave, bring flowers.They sound a great couple. Im sorry for you losing them.

Thank you so much for the replies.
I hope to get there by spring.

Im so sorry for your loss<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> Yes, you do need to grieve, especially as you missed the funeral. None of you need to feel guilty for grieving & crying, just because it was a relief for your Grandma, yes it was a relief for her to be pain free finally, but that is the start of everyone elses pain of losing her
Can you not gather a few family members for a couple of hours, either at someone`s home or a restaurant or pub, just to have like a belated wake, as you missed it all??!!

Sorry for your loss, Vitotitto.

The idea of having a wake/get together as you missed the funeral is good one. When I went back to to the UK for a few weeks, months after my DH died, a friend had arranged a bar/cafe room that was full of all who couldn't make it, everyone in fact. It was wonderful.

Don't worry about crying a bit in front of your boy. His helpful hanky shows he has some understanding of sadness and gets it on his child's level.

Your gran and grandpa sound wonderful - lovely story.

So sorry for your loss.
You grieve for the person you know you have lost.
You grieve for the relationship you had.
I once had a book about relationships and one chapter was about bereavement. It was about the seven? Processes of grieving and how you can get stuck in part of the process. It was about allowing yourself to go through the process. It was very interesting and crying was one of the processes. I don't think I have it now unfortunately. I think it was from Relate. I might have borrowed it from the library but I also had a friend who was a Relate counsellor so might have been hers. I was studying about bereavement in children. It is ok for him to see you are sad. He will probably try to make you happy.
It will be hard for you that you missed the funeral. You couldn't help it and would perhaps have put yourself in danger. Could you put a photo and flowers up in the corner of a room for a wek or two? Could you spend some time with your mum or are you in a different country?
If you could you could allow each other to grieve, remember the good times and share the funny ones. When my beloved aunt died we went through the old photos and they triggered lots of wonderful memories we cried and laughed through them.
Let yourself cry.
Let yourself grieve.
Don't get stuck in the natural process.
Look after yourself a bit more the next month or so. You will need it.

Thank you so much for your kind words, girls. It feels a bit better..
I'm in the UK, my family is in a different country.
I will visit them at some point on Spring, don't have the exact date yet. Maybe my birthday, as my grandma's birthday was the following day after mine. It used to be fun.

I'm not sure if I will see my aunt and cousins, as they are all in different cities, but the main thing is to visit the gran's house..
She literally was one of the best friends. Same about grandpa. Lots and lots of memories. I know I'm really lucky I had them.

I'm looking at the pictures I did for them, the last photographs of them together.

Thank you so much again!

In spring*

Youo have every right to grieve. You are grieving your loss, and the loss of everyone around you - not the relief of your grandma's pain.

You sound lovely and your grandma sounds lovely, OP. I hope there comes a time soon that the joy of thinking of her will ge greater than the pain of thinking of her.

Big hugs OP. Your grandparents sound lovely. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, take each day as it comes