To expect to get to the bottom of this...

[strikingstarlet]

Not normally an offloader but husband is still working away and this is really playing on my mind...

DD2 (middle child) 9 is having a few problems at school, silly girl stuff and not anything I would generally take much notice off, only she and her sisters are new to the school after we have moved from one side of the country to the other (been quite hard on the girls leaving all their old friends behind etc) and it's same girls name that keeps cropping up.

DD very open with me about it and will tell me daily if anything more has happened, to give examples It's things like the girl saying "eww don't touch me" within practical school tasks, or "you can't come in here, you don't have the school logo on your cardigan!!" again I wasn't overly worried, DD got a good social report from school, is happy enough going in and talks about friends a lot and seems pretty settled, but i have obviously kept an eye on it as she can be very sensitive and hasn't always been overly confident...

Went to pick up yesterday, grabbed my DD3 first as she is only 6 and gets out at the other side of the school, walked round to get DD to find her teacher speaking to one of my neighbours (who does ocaassionally pick DD up for me) about DD and an incident that had happened in class, which she then proceeded to tell me. Just to add this was all done in the the playground in front of other parents.

Turns out an allegation had been made about DD (by a separate girl to the 1st) that she had been pinching, slapping and annoying her during a lesson, teacher reminded my daughter (again in the playground in front of other parents) about telling the truth and there would be consequences for negative and hurtful behaviour...I could tell DD was mortified but decided to wait until we got home to discuss.

My children are not innocent, I'm not blinkered. Had they told me DD had been caught jumping off chairs and encouraging everyone to join in, I could see it, had they said that she had drawn a pair of boobies on the back of a jotter and had friends sniggering about it I would have had my doubts, but when her little sad, teary face looked up at me and promised that she was just getting on with her work and the 1st she knew about it was getting called out to speak to the teacher I 100% believed her.

She is such a gentle, kind hearted little thing, I just find it incredulous that anyone would want to hurt her and get her in trouble. DD hasn't even grasped that the girl is lying and has been taking her brain wondering if she accidentally nudged her with coat or her bag when she was getting her pencil case out...my heart is genuinely breaking for her!!

Husband is absolutely fuming that this was passed on to us nearly by an neighbour and then in a playground in front of other parents he also is mad that our daughter is absolutely petrified about losing a green card which has been threatened to her and is still being made to feel guilty and worry about something that never happened..

DD's teacher had said to me when I phoned that she was inclined to believe my daughter but obviously needed to follow, girls parents have been informed, completely agree and all fine by me...

However DD came home today to tell me both herself and girl were called into heads office to discuss and girl has now added punching into the list of things that my DD apparently had done as well as a few other twists of the story but never the less was happy to recount the apparent incident in front of him. DD was reminded again about various behavioural charts, points systems and things that could be taken away, added in front of said girl and she has came home in an absolute state worrying about what's going to happen to her.

Both my husband and myself have a meeting with her teacher and head after school on Friday (on our request) my husband is very angry over the whole way it's been dealt with but I would really like to get to the bottom of what's happened for my DD's sake and intimately like for her to have a public apology from the girls in question to try undo some of the public shaming and guilt that she has been made to feel for nothing...

Am I wrong in this, I'm possibly being more emotional about class room silliness than I would normally be but with us just moving I'm so sad that there is something affecting my daughter setting and enjoying her new home...

Advice please!!

Nobody likes to be blamed for something they haven't done, but usually lies come out eventually.
I'd be upset too, so you are within rights to be feeling like this. Talk to head and teacher, stand by your dd, that's the best you can do for now.
After that you could make a complaint about teacher conduct.

This sounds awful for your daughter. It is really difficult to be in the situation where you know with some certainty that your child isn’t lying, but you are tarred with the same brush as those who refuse to believe their child could ever do anything wrong. Thankfully it hasn’t happened to me (yet) but our girl is the same. There are many mischiefs she would do but being physically or verbally mean to another child just isn’t in her nature.

The first thing I would do is to have a very open discussion with your daughter and give her a last chance to fess up. No repercussions etc, just that you are going to go to the school to defend her but you want to be sure you won’t end up looking like an idiot.

I would be open and honest at your meeting with the head, making it clear you know she has faults but that this isn’t one of them. Tell them about the initial comments and that there may be something else going on with the other girls. The teacher should have an idea of all the characters by now and will know if it is the kind of things those girls might do. If you think your husband is likely to get angry, maybe go it alone as it won’t help. Definitely tell them you don’t want this kind of thing passed through a neighbour and in future can they call you to speak about it.

Your poor DD.

My DD was accused of pushing another girl off her bike in the park. Unlike you, I can 100% vouch for the fact that she didn't, as I was there and the girl rode off on her bike as we were driving along the road.

The police were called by the girls mother, they turned up at my house at 9.45 on the Saturday night. There were no charges brought, the police were stuck with one party saying one thing and the other another. But I WAS THERE!

This girl then told everyone at school that my DD had done it, got loads of others to bully my DD on the basis of this and garnered a lot of sympathy from teachers to.

I have ended up pulling DD out of school.

I have no advice, other than really nip this in the bud now. Do not let it continue. It felt to me that the girl was using the police to help bully DD, even though they were perfectly lovely, as well as loads of other children in the school.

Good luck, I hope you get it sorted.

Your poor dd . Has the teacher actually witnessed this behaviour? If it's happening in class it would be hard to pinch, slap, pinch, annoy and jump off chairs without being noticed.

The teacher should have spoken to you or your husband in private. I can't believe she spoke to your neighbour in front of other parents.

I'd ask to meet with the teacher and the head asap. If you are 100% sure there is nothing happening then this is nasty bullying.

We have had an honest chat with her and near enough said exactly that Original, we love her and we will always be there and defend her but the trade off for that is she has to always tell us the truth she has swore blind and promised that she didn't do it and I really do believe her,

I too think this behaviour would be very tricky to hide especially within a small class of kids (village school)

Not sure if it's right or wrong but the teacher has asked children sitting around DD and other girl if they had seen or heard anything and nobody had, this along side the fact that DD's teacher had said she was inclined to believe DD suggests to me that it's pretty obvious the girl is making up so why my DD is still getting reminded of various forms of punishements, negative behaviour monitors and made to to worry and feel guilty for something that clearly didn't happen is beyond me...and my heart is hurting for her!!

Hubby is mad but he is calm, he has a very high pressure job in the forces so trust he will go in with a level head.

She was hitting and pinching and punching! No one saw or heard anything!! Unlikely. Did she say anytjing at the time? What did the teacher see.? Really, the teacher saw nothing of this altercation? I Suspect the other child's parents are difficult, hence why they are following it up. Ask teacher what is happening re the child lying about your daughter! Say it really is beyond the bounds of belief to suggest all this happened and NOONE ELSE WAS AWARE OF IT.

Mind you i have had some kids swear black is white in my time.

No-one saw it, the teachers are inclined to believe her, why are they not having a word with the other girl about lying instead of suggesting punishments to your DD in front of her? I bet she is loving that!

Complain to school about how this has been handled, and push very hard for a public apology. Poor little poppet, and how stressful for you all. Girls can be vile at this age, the other girl sounds like a nasty vindictive little madam and I'd consider talking to her parents.

Mama that is one of the things my husband is most angry about, our daughter hasn't done anything but yet not only has she made to feel guilty but the power has been handed to the lying child that has got my daughter worried/unhappy and being reminded by various teachers about what happens with negative behaviour.

All the way through how the incident was brought up in front of other pupils, staff parents.

Reminding DD of what happens with lying and violent behaviour..

Asking classmates what they had seen...

All suggests that my daughter has behaved and behaves in a certain way and she is now doubting herself and scared for what might happen...

The more I'm thinking about it the angrier I'm getting!!

I would counter argue at the meeting that you would like to report the other girl for bullying your DD. And hope that the appropriate procedure for that is explained to the girl (i.e. the behaviour chart)

Thanks Nessie,

That's what I would like to happen, I'm nervous as I don't like confrontation, but I really want to get to the bottom of this for my daughters sake!!

As well as asking the teacher why she didn't see or hear the incident but chose to believe the other child, ask what level of marks/bruising were visible. Pinches, slaps and punches do not leave a young child unblemished.

I'd be asking why school staff are colluding with a campaign of bullying against DD and what reassurances they can give that they will safeguard her wellbeing during her time in school. I'd also request that all incidents are discussed with her parents, not another parent, and point out that they have breached their own information sharing protocol (check the relevant document first and use their own term for it).

How is your DD now? Hope you have a lovely weekend together!