To ask how to toughen up a bit?

[LannieDuck]

I get disproportionately upset if I do something (unintentional) to upset other people.

Today I've accidentally upset a colleague (Person A) at work - I sent a badly phrased e-mail that was meant to be taken in one way, but actually read a different way. It won't have any negative consequences for A, but it does read as if I'm meddling in their business and that I've gone over their head to do it. A is therefore understandably upset.

I've apologised to A over e-mail (I wasn't at work today), apologised in 'public' on the e-mail thread and clarified what I actually meant, and I'll apologise to A in person tomorrow. (Incidentally, I got a couple of replies to my public apology e-mail saying that they saw no need for an apology and that I'd raised some good points, including from Person B who might also have had reason to be upset. So I know my transgression wasn't that awful.)

...so why do I feel so terrible? I haven't been hungry all day, and I keep running through things in my mind that I can say to A tomorrow, to the point that my kids have been asking me what I'm looking at (distracted), or why I'm talking to myself (trying to work out what to say).

It's not the first time I've accidentally upset someone and reacted like this, and I need to find a better way to deal with it. Some people seem to have no problem pushing others out of the way at work (metaphorically), and don't care who they upset in the process. Obviously I don't want to go that far, but AIBU to ask how you stop obsessing over something like this, esp when you've already apologised? Are there things I could do to toughen up a bit?

Fake it til you make it.

Seriously, if you minimise something, most everyone else does too.

You need to stop dwelling on perceived mistakes. Did A actually say they were upset? Even if they did the others said you made good points so maybe you were right all along??
It's taken me about 10 years to grow a thick skin at work. The best I can describe it as is - you just need to not give a shit and stop letting obsessive thoughts creep in. It is easier said than done though

I do this all the time. I'm getting better at stopping myself obsessing over situations where I've upset someone, but I frequently find that I can't help it my mind just goes over things for hours on end. It's mentally exhausting

Not much advice but I read this and thought this is me!!!
I still remember things from about 20 years when I upset someone or said something stupid and think how I wish I had acted differently etc. I'm 99.99999% sure the other parties involved wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about if I ever did mention it again and probably forgot about it about 5 minutes after the event!!
I do have OCD though so over analyse everything, have negative thoughts and go through things in my head about a billion times!
So like I said, no advice but I do understand and wish I didn't obsess/ had a tougher skin.

Thanks all.

Yes, A's definitely upset. They sent me a very strongly worded e-mail, and a very robust defense of the status quo to the e-mail chain. I might have made some valid points, but I definitely went about it the wrong way (and unintentionally).

I'm not sure I could minimise something when I know I've actually f*cked up. I tend to overdo the mea culpa instead.

I do need to stop dwelling on mistakes though. Definitely. I just need to figure out how ;)

Butterfly - I have OCD tendencies too (not formally diagnosed, but e.g. I can't sleep if I haven't carried a set series of safety checks in the house before I go to bed, and i used to have an obsession with seeing colours in pairs although I've mostly weaned myself off that now). I wonder if it could be related? I never considered that.

I'm sure this e-mail will be forgotten about by everyone else this time next week. I wish I knew how to do that!

I can be like this.

Tomorrow, ask to speak to A privately and say that you understand how they read the email and how you meant it to sound were completely different and leave it at that.