To not know what to do (trigger warning)

[Boakboak]

NC for this.

I didn't know whether to post but I don't have anyone I can talk to properly in RL about this and I really need advice.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. I was brought up in a household where my father was emotionally and physically abusive. My ddad had kids from a previous marriage who are much older than me, and I learnt 5 years ago that he sexually abused my eldest sister on one occasion. My DM said when saying how awful it was that it happened, that my dsis was "promiscuous". My dad admitted it did happen, went through SS etc. My dsis is the absolute priority here because this happened to her, but it's made me feel lots of conflicting things and I don't know who to talk to about it, and feel like I don't know what to do because it didn't happen to me.

I don't have a close relationship with my older half siblings - we get on but we weren't really raised together). My older half siblings were also subject to physical abuse as well, including one really serious incident I won't mention here as identifying.

It was a tense environment to grow up in and my ddad, for example, he would always bark on at me and my other sister to be modest e.g. if we were in our dressing gowns which used to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I, especially, was constantly subject to foul tempers - my ddad had turned his life around to become this really strong Christian and would strictly impose his interpretation of his faith. I always felt uncomfortable at home but at the same time we had good times and he has always been supportive. I don't know how to describe growing up in a tense household and finding it weird that my parents never really developed real friendships. I know my ddad is haunted physically and mentally by what he did, he never sleeps at night. He came clean about what he did, tried to help and became a Christian.

But when my parents discuss my sister and our other siblings, they speak with really negative and paranoid judgement, always complaining about them, especially my mother. I grew up thinking they were awful because my parents told me they were "dysfunctional". Their relationships have been fractured over the years.

Since finding out what he did to my sister, I screamed at him that he was never to tell me what to do and that he had tortured me my entire life. As a parent now, I'm more and more disgusted by what he did and I can't look or think about him without thinking about what he did.

The incident didn't happen to me so I know I'm not entitled to an apology but I feel so torn and broken, knowing that I'm related to someone who did something so awful. Is it wrong to still be in a relationship with him? My other sister has no problem leaving her dds with my parents. I'm not, because of that, and because I could see red finger marks on my dd after they looked after her where they had clearly pinned her down forcefully for a nappy change. My dd has always been wary of my DM since.

I know these are confused ramblings with lots of different issues come up. My dsis who was abused is starting a court case about what happened to her, and it's brought it all up. My parents are extremely sensitive and have, whilst acknowledging they were tough on me growing up, never apologised or acknowledged their behaviour and are extremely selfish and difficult, and then lovely and great to be with the next day. It's clear it's had mental effects on them too - my ddad for example has very sever OCD.

I'm at the point where I don't know if I should have a relationship with them. I found out in my 20s what happened and I think I went into shock and it never really dawned on me what happened and how serious it is. I'm still recovering from the feelings of brokenness, anger and self-worth from my own upbringing (I was groped as a teenager by an old family friend and whilst my parents were supportive, my Dad spent time on the phone listening and supporting the man who is known for what he is and even his own kids don't let their grandkids stay over).

Would you go NC over what my dad did? Am I wrong for still being in a relationship with my parents? I'm really confused and I have no-one to talk to. My husband doesn't really grasp it I don't think but I don't know if I'll ever be able to let all this stuff go.

Sorry for the rambling post. I must sound like a nutter!

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes, I'm feeling really confused and teary.

you don't sound like a nutter
I'd go NC
keep your family safe and sane

Oh gosh. How awful for you.

First of all...there are no rules for this. You don't have to do anything if you want to. You might feel you should nc or address it but examine what you want. There are no shoulds in this situation. do what feels right for you.

Secondly I'd suggest getting some counselling to help examine your feelings. There is no rush for you to decide so take it slowly.

hugs x

So sorry you are going through
this OP. you must do what you feel is right regarding contact / NC with your parents. As previous posted said though, you do need to keep yourself and your family safe

Thanks Mavis, I’m genuinely confused what to do. Despite all the problems, we’d built up a relationship and can all get on very well (in small doses). There are definitely loads of issues like I find my dad too controlling and sensitive (a stupid example is if he asks you to do something and you forget, he can get insulting and personal e.g. “I’m clearly not a priority for you”). But I’m conflicted. Because of what he’s done, should I even contemplate a relationship with him? Has anyone kept a relationship with their parent after something like this? I think one of the reasons it’s tortured me for so long whilst maintaining the relationship is that a lot of what happened is minimised and when I raised it with DM, she said my dsis had been through counselling to take ownership that a lot of the things going wrong in her life were her responsibility. There might be an element of truth in that (I don’t know!) but I feel if you’re the perpetrator, you don’t get to say things like that or make that judgement call.

It sounds as though your mental health is suffering OP, because, as an adult, with your own family, you realise the seriousness of your parents continued abuse. Personally, I can't see any benefits of you staying in contact, it is fine to go no/low contact, if you so wish. You would benefit from some counselling, allowing you to speak out loud, about your feelings.
I am not judging you, merely giving my opinion. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.🌸

Obviously we can never know how we'd react until we experience something ourselves, but I think I'd find it hard to come to terms with their blaming your sister for this kind of abuse.

I don't think you can pin his problems sleeping and OCD on his regret about what he did. Plenty of people have those problems without abusing their children.

I don't think I'd want to stay in contact.

You left your dd with them??

^ That is all you could say? 🙄

Notasperfectasallothermners - I should make clear that my DM is not and has not been abusive that I know of and the incident referred to in the post refers to my dad's ex-wife. Until the incident with the red marks on my daughter, my DM, I thought, posed no risk. I don't leave her with them anymore. It's also a really difficult situation to judge what's appropriate and what's not. For example, my sister has no issues and sister who was abused once has had no issues leaving her daughters with my parents before. What I'm trying to say is that the lines are blurred, and I'm trying to navigate this.

It's like we're a normal family but there's so much control and not nice stuff under the surface, I struggle to navigate it all. For example, my Dad's just sent me a good luck card with one page of writing in it - he's so loving, but also really intense and controlling e.g. Will look up everyone I work with, location, location's history etc.

It can be hard to come to terms with the fact our parents weren't perfect, let alone if they were abusive.
They are not healthy people, and they are not helpful or beneficial to you. Be gentle with yourself. You shouldn't have to be coping with this. You are in this situation because other adults chose to make shocking (and illegal) decisions in how to behave. You face a choice whether you want to let it leak or pervade into your life more than it already has. You could choose to be supportive to your sister without staying in contact with your parents. As I read it, you are both victims in different senses, but you are both survivors because you have chosen to live in a better way, and recognise that how they (particularly your father) were very very wrong.
Is staying in contact with them helpful or beneficial to you? Can you stay in contact with the awful stress and knowledge of what they did? A girl who is abused is not 'promiscuous', and mental and physical abuse of a child in your care is a choice in (horrendous) behaviour.
My heart goes out to you. Choose what is healthy. I had a mentally abusive mother - a real prize manipulator and things only got better when I showed her I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour choice by going NC. It was the best thing I did. My DD was fine, but by never stepping in to stop her behaviour, he was, as such, an enabler. There is no excuse for abuse in any form - and I bet you've gone on to be a brilliant person because of these adversities. After many years we had contact, but occasionally she would slip back into the pattern, and we'd go NC again. No-one deserves the right to make your life hard, difficult and negative - it is up to you, but I'd protect yourself and your sanity. The minute a parent chooses to mistreat a child is the minute they lose the right to stay in their life based on a misplaced sense of family 'duty'.
Apologies if this seems sharp or harsh, but my experience is that you need to protect yourself and concentrate on how well YOU are doing, not letting the negative behaviour of others take away your right to a peaceful, productive and happy life.

Bloody hell, that’s a big tangle of crap isn’t it 😖☹️

I’m baffled that your abused HSis has been happy leaving her daughters with him/them.

I’m surprised that you left your DD with them too, I’m glad you stopped doing that, even though she probably wasn’t at any risk of being sexually abused by your father, I just don’t think they’re fit to look after children.

I think, mostly, going NC with parents/inlaws is a thought out decision about what is best for your/your children’s Mental Health. To me, this feels very different, it’s (for me) not a a self preservation thing, but a feeling of not wanting to spend time with a man who sexually abused his own daughter and a woman who is saying (essentially) ‘She asked for it’. No 15 year old girl ‘asks for it’ from her Dad, that’s just sick. Your mothers attitude is vile, your HSis is his DAUGHTER.

Your own upbringing was largely not great either, but even if it had been, I just wouldn’t want to be around your father who sexually abused his daughter, or your mother who blames your HSis.

No amount of ‘nice’ could stop me ‘seeing’ him abusing his 15 year old daughter.

I’m sorry 💐

anonymoosy - 💐 Thank you, those words have given me so much strength. I feel narcissistic, like I'm making it about me, by letting this play on my mind so much but I'm not thinking about this the right way for myself to be happy and free of it. Thank you

AnnieAnoniMouse - reading and running but my DM worked with children for years so I felt it was OK (and was once or twice) until the incident and it's hard when everyone, my other sister included (not the one who was abused) is telling you it's fine and everything is normal. I don't know how to explain dealing with manipulative behaviour and learning to stand up to it.

My dsis was 10/11 when it happened this is what I am finding so so dreadful. I think I just mentally compartmentalised it and blocked myself off from my family and some relationships were healed over time but I can't get my head around it, I can't. I can't look at him without feeling sick.

There is no right answer, op. I think that you yourself could do with some counselling because although you say it didn't happen to you, it's still affecting you deeply and that IS happening to you.
Only do what you feel comfortable with.
If you decide to stay in contact with him, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that. Unless they are in your shoes, they can't judge.