To give up on trying with FIL

[beautyandthebeasty]

I've tried so much over the years to be friendly and have a decent relationship but he's just doesn't give a shit and I am sick of trying!!!!

I'm know I'm taking this too personally but I can't not when I feel like I've really tried over the years and don't know what I might have done for him to be the way he is. He can be quite abrupt but never says anything outrageously rude to me. DH says he's like it with everyone but I just find the coldness so uncomfortable.

He is a very social person with friends but can barely manage to have a conversation with me when DH leaves the room. Instantly gets his phone out and ignores my DD when he's round. It feels like the visits are purely for MIL.
She's lovely and we get on really well.

DH has been extremely busy with work recently and SIL is overseas so for his 70th I made a massive effort for his gift from all of us (it literally took days to do), he didn't seem massively bothered or grateful by the effort I put in.

AIBU to send DH out to meet them with DD every other time so I don't have to endure the awkwardness? Am I just being a sensitive Susie?

No, you're not. He sounds hard work. I would back off quietly. Life's too short.

I think you should just accept that's who he is and probably won't change now, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you but if MIL is going to be there when you go on your visits you should still go and spend time with her

Nope, I think it's perfectly reasonable OP. Why should you fall over yourself making an effort for a man who can barely be bothered to acknowledge you? Stop making the effort and treat him how he treats you.

Sounds like my fil. I used to think he was socially awkward but then saw him in action socially and he's not in the least socially awkward. I used to try and make conversation with him but I just don't bother anymore, particularly as he is quite rude when he comes to my house (the least of it is walking in and turning on the TV loudly in the room we're chatting in). Basically, I just ignore him and will only speak to him if I need to.

He acted the same around my mother all the time. Barely responded to her and wouldn't say hello unless she did first. She eventually got fed up and stopped trying with him. Funnily enough, when he meets her now, he's all charm and chat.

I would just accept it and stop making the effort. Be polite but don't go out of your way with gifts and visits to him. It is great your MIL is so nice, focus on your good relationship with her.

Totally fair to think bollocks to him but no - don't be pushed out of part of what is now your family and your DD's family by this.

Why should you lose out? All that will happen is that YOU get to miss time with your DD/DH/her granny and possibly give the impression that you're the problem. You're not. I'd go totally the other way- if MIL is lovely, don't miss out - go there, focus on MIL, suggest days out and granny time where appropriate and just ignore him. It's possible he doesn't even register this if he's generally a bit of a misogynist as well as a grump especially - the two often go hand in hand with this type of bloke. You're a younger female and not important, you don't register. Another reason to stay exactly where you want to be in the family - a key part of it. Don't let your DD learn from this that mummy fades into the background and is just there at home with dinner waiting...

He's on his phone? You leave the room or ignore.
You don't do a damn thing for birthdays- make sure your DH does it.
You cultivate your relationship with MIL separately and you don't apologise one bit for that. DD makes her a lovely card/picture/you take her to the cinema with you and FIL/DH say well what about grandad - you look wide-eyed and say, Well, you know me and MIL have our own relationship which we both put effort into, guess that's just the way it is.

In answer to your question, no I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I would limit the time you spend with him and be open about why. Perhaps your MIL could visit you without FIL if she wants to see your DD.

However, for the use of the phrase a sensitive Susie I think you are being VVVVU