ABU to turn up to my DD's Options evening

[InSearchOfAPear]

I've been separated from ex wife and two girls (now 14 and 16) for 6 years. When I re-married a couple of years ago my ex wife said it all changes now, no coming to the house to see kids on your own anymore! All this and other comments in front of my then 12 year old who since my re-marriage has wanted nothing to do with me even though we had previously had a good relationship. Lots of history of the ex playing head games and making it difficult to have a positive relationship with my girls. Anyway fast forward to school options evening tonight! I want to go and support DD but DD doesn't want me there according to ex wife, which I believe from recent behaviour from DD. Should I go anyway or try and talk to DD first? All advice welcomed. Should point out DD's not really responding to texts and communications are generally strained!

No you shouldn't. If she doesn't want you there why on earth would you?

It will be of no benefit to your DD. WOrk on the relationship and then she may want you involved.

I really wouldn't. It sounds like it'll end in a scene which will be really awkward and embarrassing for everyone concerned.

I'm confused about which of the DC you're still in contact with. One of them but not the other?

Your ex wanting you to have contact with them somewhere other than her place is absolutely right. Have you had regular contact with them in your home? Did this stop straight after you got married?

All that aside, please don't go to the evening. It's about your DD, not you.

I don't think there's any 'support' needed for Options evening is there?

Your DD doesn't want you there so you don't go. YABU.

No you shouldn’t go - according to your own words “Dd doesn’t want me there............which I believe - you’ve answered your own question.

Definitely don't go if DD doesn't want you there. You must respect her wishes on this one.

Is communication difficult with both girls? All you can do is keep in contact, even if the contact is rebuffed. Let them know that your feelings for them haven't, and will not, change and that you will be there for them no matter what.

I'm afraid you are going to have to play the long game and wait until they approach you.

Why would you expect to go to your ex's house to see your kids?

Odd.

Anyway, if your daughter categorically does not want you there, then ignoring her express wishes and turning up anyway will just reinforce her opinions of you.

Work on your relationship with both kids - don't guilt them into it or play games. Invite them for tea one night? To see a film? And respect their wishes above all else.

I think you've left it too late to 'be there' for your DD. You don't mention if you went down the legal route to see your children. If you didn't, this seems to be the result.

Well done on being a supportive parent despite your marriage to their mum breaking down. I and my sons would be thrilled if their dad showed any interest in their education. We split up five years ago and he has only attended one meeting since. You are showing commitment and interest.

I would say respect your daughter's wishes but also make her aware you are interested. To avoid a scene I would stay as away but offer advice etc if needed.

They are teenage girls. If you turn up at school and make a scene knowing that she doesn't want you to attend she will not forgive you (EVER) for embarrassing her in front of everyone. Parents are embarrassing anyway, full stop, when you are a teenager.
I say this as mum to two teenage girls age 18 and 13

No, OP. Don't do it. It would be brazen and you'd be making a statement. Your poor DD would be mortified. Believe me, it's not because you're you, it's because she's spreading her wings and parents are embarrassing at this age. There are far better ways of connecting. Handle the situation with kid gloves and keep a cool head, OP.

Thanks for all your advice, just to clear a few things up... After leaving I was going to the house 3 early mornings and 2 afternoons per week to do school runs, breakfast, dinner and taxi for after school clubs for years. I was in rented accommodation albeit friendly and welcoming. The Re-marriage was a deal breaker, which I understand as my ex was struggling with me being at the home. I wasn't planning to just turn up without warning or some discussion, it was more about whether it would in the long term show DD that I was there to support her, but I take all your advice on 😁.

Re the woman you are married to now, did you leave your wife for her?

It's quite hard getting to see other daughter, as she's growing up, becoming independent etc but we always have a lovely time together when it happens 😍

No!

The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open, no matter how strained they are. Just keep letting her know that you love her and will always be there for her. She won't always be an awkward 14 year old.

Here's hoping 😋

No I didn't leave my ex for my wife. She is very supportive of me and my kids 😉

Did you listen to everyone and stay away?

Keep in touch with your DDs. They might not respond but they'll know you're keeping the channels open. Send a postcard every now and then. Or a little gift each of something you know they'd like. Don't try and bribe them, but show how thoughtful you are and that you love them.

Hi, I phoned DD and told her I wanted to attend, she let me know I didn't need to! ☺️ She knows I wanted to, so hopefully that will stick 😃. Thanks for the good advice.