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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up with living near OH’s ‘D’B and his awful GF.

45 replies

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 12:43

We live on a farm, OH is the farmer.

OH’s brother (who has his own business completely unrelated to the farm) is an absolute Pratt.

Himself and his partner have made our lives very, very difficult. In a nutshell BIL was left a lot of land very young by her father who died when he was 12 (before DP was even born) MIL had 3 DC’s to raise as well as a farm to run (DP’s father had left her some land and all of the buildings on the estate). BIL had allowed MIL to rent the land he was left however, over the years has used it as a stick to beat her with. DP says that BIL, in the past, has had MIL held by her throat, thrown spanner’s at her head as broken her glasses as well as punching holes through walls and doors. As a result she always gave him his own way and he was completely spoilt as a child.

Now this has meant various things for us over the years, having to calve cows by torch light because apparently, having lights on in the shed intereferred with BIL’s GF’s shower. We tried to be reasonable and rang her before we put the lights on but even that wasn’t good enough and in the end BIL disconnected the lights altogether.

When DD was first born we were living with MIL. BIL had moved out of the cottage that we were going to move into with DD into the biggest house on the estate (which he’d also bullied his way into, using his land as a bargaining tool). It was 9 months before he would hand the keys over so we could start moving things in by which time the pipes had frozen and burst and left in inhabitable. As well as this his GF (who is a nurse) had left a bag of used sharps in the cupboard under the stairs. We’ve been moved in for 6 years now after a lot of uneccesary expense.
They had to walk past the front of our house to get to theirs and every week they have a dog and complain that the DC’s garden toys are out and that his GF is worried that she will trip over them (the toys are on the grass and there is a path to her house - I never leave the toys on the path). She complains that they make too much noise when they’re out in the garden in summer, openly admits that she ‘hates, loathes and detests’ children. She has screamed at me for parking my car in the wrong place, she has set her dog on our sheep and he has set his dog on our calves before now. He also has a criminal record for beating DP up.

MIL died last year and has left her land in thirds, a third to each child. BIL is refusing to give DP a tenancy on his third (even though he has no use for it as well as that he already owns) which, when everything is properly sorted out, is going to leave us struggling.

DP is upset because he has done most of the work on the farm for the past 22 years and MIL bought land (which DP contributed to) and promised that it would be left to him to continue on the business when she was gone. There’s also more evidence that BIL has bullied out of MIL what he wanted before she died, she has signed over entitlements and 2/3 of moor rights to him and 1/3 to DP. I’m so upset for him, he said that he feels as though he’s still being punished for going to the police when BIL beat him up.

They’re horrible to the kids, the have a complete and utter disregard for DP’s livelihood and it feels as though they’re going to screw him over as much as they can because they enjoy seeing him struggle.

I just want to move, I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 12:46

Oh and BIL is also an executor of her will as well as SIL (who is very much in support of the farm)

OP posts:
bonnymnemonic · 24/01/2018 12:57

Is there any record of DP's contribution to the purchase of additional land? Perhaps seek legal advice on this issue.

Would your DP consider selling his share of the land/farm to get a fresh start elsewhere? This situation cannot continue for all your sakes. I don't blame you for wanting it over.

Or could you and SIL buy BIL out of his share if you're keen for the farm to remain in the family?

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:00

Bonny there should be a papertrail somewhere, it was a substantial amount of money so it will be recorded.

I’ve ask DP about himself and SIL being BIL’s share but he’s reluctant to ask and this he probably won’t sell it. It’s all about power and control with him.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 24/01/2018 13:17

So is BIL getting an income from your work?
or just rent

QuiteLikely5 · 24/01/2018 13:21

God I would hate this! Can you not sell up and move far far away from bil

He sounds like a nasty piece of work!

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:27

The thing is MIL has worded the will so that they can only sell shares to each other. She hasnt specified what bits of land or what building is who’s. For now they all own a third of each acre and a third of every building/house on the estate

OP posts:
LineyS · 24/01/2018 13:27

I'd find that paper trail asap.

You know if you put your share of the land up for sale, BIL and SIL will go crazy, right? So I'd get a valuer round and make sure they know about it.

They'll freak at the thought of their pet victims moving on and new people perhaps arriving.

Apply for some planning permissions while you're at it.

Report them to the police for harassment at the first sign of grief.

LineyS · 24/01/2018 13:29

That will is nuts. Are you in England & Wales or elsewhere?

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:30

In all honesty we’re a bit trapped. DP had only recently started taking a wage (£800 per month) out of the farm. We can’t just sell up, the estate hasn’t been valued at much.

BIL would be getting rent if he let DP rent the land off him but I suppose he could also take the single farm payment for his third too which would mean that he was getting money for nothing basically.

OP posts:
Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:31

We’re in England. I suggested the threat of contesting the will might make BIL back down but DP thinks it will just wind him up more.

OP posts:
LineyS · 24/01/2018 13:32

You need a solicitor to look at that mess of a will.

LineyS · 24/01/2018 13:32

You need a solicitor to look at that mess of a will.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 24/01/2018 13:32

This might help you. I have no connection with this firm by the way, jsut did a quick google search

www.howellslegal.co.uk/news/post/Applying-to-Court-for-an-Order-for-Sale.aspx

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:33

There’s room for some sort of negotiation as DP owns a third of BIL’s lovely, converted 27th century barn, don’t get me wrong, he owns a third of our ramshackle, damp, cold cottage too but can you see why we’re not particularly bothered about that? Grin

Sorry, I probably sound bitter now.

OP posts:
Quiettiger · 24/01/2018 13:34

I've sent you a PM. We're farming too and dealt with something similar.

sonjadog · 24/01/2018 13:36

I think you need legal help to try to sort this out. These aren't rational people that you can do a deal with and there are complicated legal issues involved here. I would get a lawyer to see if you can find a way to get this to work, or to help you find a way to finish up and move on.

gamerchick · 24/01/2018 13:36

You need legal advice and sharpish.

The alternative is to continue to roll over and put up with it.

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:46

quiettiger thank you, I’ve just replied.

We’ve sought legal advice and have been advised to try and seek a tenancy first.

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 24/01/2018 13:47

I would also recommend legal advice. It sounds horrible, and your poor, poor children having to grow up in such a toxic atmosphere. If it were me I would seriously consider to just up stick, go NC and move to the other end of the country. What does your DH say? He should be as eager as you to get away.

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:52

It’s difficult for him, he’s built this place up and taken nothing out of it in the way of a wage. We’ve never been on a family holiday and days out are rare.

The farm has really turned a corner in the last 10 years. Please don’t berate him (or me even) for not walking away. I can happily ignore BIL & his GF if I know that the farm is secure. It’s the unpredictable nature of them both that makes the future of the farm uncertain.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 24/01/2018 13:54

You should get legal advice because I ha e a vague memory from law school that you can’t put restrictions on who the beneficiary of land can sell it to - either they own it and can do what they want or they can’t. You should sell up and bugger off.

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/01/2018 13:57

kimmy it isn’t specified who owns what bit of land though. This is the thing

OP posts:
Scrowy · 24/01/2018 13:58

It's not that easy just to up sticks and move in farming.

You need a really good agricultural specialist solicitor.

It might also be worth trying The Farming Forum, lots of people with lots of knowledge and advice over there.

www.thefarmingforum.co.uk

QuiteLikely5 · 24/01/2018 13:59

Your BiL and his GF will never ever respond rationally towards you.

If you are hardly making a living here then why on earth do you stay?

Why are you putting up with this treatment? A farm? Where are the profits? £800 a month is not a lot considering the abuse

How did you support yourself financially all these years?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/01/2018 14:00

Get the dogs away from your livestock too or you risk losing them . Even though your BIL doesn't farm he must know as a member of a farming family that you can take a gun to his dogs?

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