Future money plans for dc

[NailsNeedDoing]

I'm a long way off needing to worry about this too much, but as my dc is getting older I'm wondering what other people do in situations like this.

I'm a single parent to a son, I'm lucky enough to own my home outright, and in the (distant) future I plan to downsize to leave me with enough money to buy somewhere small for me to live and to give to my son to buy a small property outright or a decent chunk towards a family home. Obviously, I don't yet know exactly which directions our lives will take us, but I've been considering what would be the best thing to do when I'm ready to move and when my son is ready to buy a home either alone or with a partner.

How would I ensure that my son is able to benefit from having a secure home for the rest of his life, without the risk of losing it if he were to divorce or, God forbid, he were to die early leaving children? Those children may even go on to have half or step siblings to their surviving parent. Is it even possible to make restrictions? Does it make me a horrible person to consider protecting an asset from someone who could potentially bear my grandchildren and would I be setting myself up for a difficult relationship with a DIL, or is it wise to ensure that my son will always have a home for himself and to accommodate his children if I can?

I really don't know. My heart says gift it all with no strings attached and risk that it be lost either to stupidity or someone else, but my head says that might not be sensible. I don't know what my exact AIBU is, just what do other people think is a reasonable choice in similar situations?

I'm likely to inherit a considerable amount of money from my parents. (Though I do hope they see sense and spend it all on cruises before that day comes£

If I die young, after I've received an inheritance, and DH remarries, I would WANT him to have the money. Similarly, if my children had half siblings, I'd want them to be raised equally, without resentment or different prospects. My inheritance is basically a complete lottery down to the parents I was born with.

Even if we divorce- our choices in life will have been made based on our shared financial prospects, including any inheritance. Why shouldn't that be factored in? We've already spoken about the risks to him if we borrow money from my parents to do up our house and later split- we're looking at various ways of doing it, as they're willing to waive interest and have it written off if they pass away, and there are a few options that upon thinking it through we realised would screw him if we subsequently separate. Even though I don't believe we ever will divorce, I think a key part of being married is that we protect each other in the event of divorce or death and live as equally as we can.

I think you not only risk alienating your future DIL, but if you raise him to be a decent man, your son as well.

I should add: I think giving money late and in stages is sensible. My parents didn't give me any financial support in my twenties and I didn't expect it, they said I could live at home if ever I was in difficulty- and I did, between jobs, rent free for a few months- but ultimately I worked hard and was sensible with money.

In my early thirties they became much more casual about cash gifts and gave me more money than I would have expected towards a deposit and my wedding. Compared with friends who had postgrad qualifications paid for, holidays as students, etc etc I think it was a better approach. Work on making your son strong and resilient and someone who enters into loving equal relationships and has a good attitude to money. I think that's the best advise.

Pre nuptial agreements are not necessarily legally binding. The answer is you may be able to do this but it highly depends on the facts and how you go about it. Legal advice would help give you the highest chance of it being enforceable. Whether it is morally the right thing to do is up to you. You certainly wouldn't be the first to worry about this type of thing but unless your son is with someone you think is unsuitable (e.g. an alcoholic) then I think it is a bit petty.

This reminds me of bunny McDougal in SATC.

I have a friend who got engaged to someone who’s mother did this. She tried to get legal papers drawn up to say her son’s home (which she had put money into), couldn’t be split in case of divorce etc...my friend was v upset and insulted and her son found it meddling and stressful. In the end he refused to draw up any such papers, and his mother had to let it go.

It really damaged their relationship with her, at one point they were going to move near her to raise their children but after this they decided not to and keep a good distance. I think they now want to sell the house and give the mil her money back, that’s how tense it got.

For what it's worth, my money plans for (as yet non existent kids) is as follows:

Save them 30k each if possible.
Teach them financial responsibility and be transparent about money available.
Spend 10k on each for 18-21 career development (doesn't have to be uni).
Let them decide how they want the rest used post-25 when they have a few years experience of their own budgets.

That's it. I will always be there for my kids, but I actively want them to be secure in making their own judgements about these things. I won't always be there to do that for them, and I never enjoyed my parents control by money.

My parents did that! They gave me some property, then decided I wasn't worthy of it due to my life choices and took it away.

Didn't bother me one bit, I never saw it as 'mine' anyway but it was bloody hassle to get it all arranged and ultimately, the only people who benefited from it were the solicitors / notaries.

What plans do you have for your own retirement ? Do you have adequate provision, before making savings for your child.

Most people underestimate how much they need for retirement so I would say, feather your own nest as a priority over your child's. Our focus is our retirement funds (late 40's) now that we have more or less paid off our mortgage.

We save in the form of JISA's for my DC and they are aware that it is intended to help fund them through uni/gap year/house deposit. I am aware that I won't have control once they come of age but I'm OK with that (contrary to the majority of MN). I'm optimistic enough to think that I am raising them to be semi sensible young adults who wouldn't waste it totally on drinks/drugs/having a good time. It certainly won't be enough to buy a house outright! I believe in a (small) helping hand but more importantly, I would want my children to have a good work ethic and to have the self-drive to work hard towards their own goals rather than have a sense of entitlement and not bother because they anticipate a free house or large inheritance.

You wouldn’t want your son’s wife to be provided for if he died? How strange...

Or husband, I might add...

If you're gifting money or property, you need to do it without strings. If you want to retain control, you shouldn't gift it - keep it in your name and allow your DC to live in it for a peppercorn rent.

You can't. Money can move out of families. Peter sellers fortune went to his last wife's daughter by her next marriage, the girl was born long after sellers death.

Nothing to be done, it will all happen after your death so why worry?

Thank you for all the replies, it's interesting to see different perspectives.

It might not happen after my death, I would prefer to help my child in my lifetime rather than wait until I die. I was a young parent, my son could be in his sixties or seventies by the time I'm gone. But I do like the idea of contributing to a pension instead, that's something I will think about. Of course ideally I will raise him to be sensible in his choices and he will be able to provide for his family without my input, but it is SO hard for young people in this area to get on the property ladder these days, with the best will in the world, that might not happen. I'm not so concerned about the legalities at this stage of thought, it's more the morals that would be behind any legal advice I might get. And I'd want my son to fully agree with anything I put in place so whatever I decide would be open to change anyway.

Obviously I'd want my sons family to be provided for in the event of his death, but honestly, I would prefer my grandchildren to be provided for rather than a possible future partner of my DIL and children that weren't my sons. It would be nice if I were a selfless enough person to be able to let it go no strings attached, but when you're talking about £200k plus tax, it's not that simple.

It's mostly the event of divorce that I'm thinking about. All is good and easy if a marriage is successful, but in reality that quiet often doesn't happen. I don't think giving up work entirely for a few years to look after your own children while being fully financially supported entitles people to to a significant amount of something that isn't theirs. That's where the AIBU is I suppose. It's not really about wanting to control (although I can see how it kind of is) it's about wanting to protect my son, and maybe my life experience does cloud things in my head a bit.

I don't think that giving up work entirely for a few years to look after your own children while being fully financially supported entitles somebody to a significant amount of something that isn't theirs

You might not think it but if your son marries somebody then the assets/money would be theirs, or half of it would be anyway and having given it away none of it would be your money anymore.

So you give your son £200k. He gets married, buys a house and a car. Years pass, they have 2 dc, wife has a couple of years as a SAHM then goes pt. 15 years after getting married, and 20 years after you give him the money, they get divorced. You seriously think he should retain his £200k and she should get nothing? That's not how marriage works. Again, if you want to keep control of your money then keep your money.

You may not think that, but your son might. He might have step kids he adores, he might marry a woman who's disabled and can't work... All sorts of things really. Can you really think of how you'd respond to each and every one of those options?

I think you're being swayed by love for your son vs an entirely imaginary partner of theirs.

Haven’t rtft but I think one option is to give the money as an interest free loan to your son and his future partner, which is repayable “on demand” - a solicitor will draw up a doc - it need only be a two pages or so.

They use the money to buy a house. If they stay together, great - you never recall the loan. If they divorce, you “recall” the loan - which means the money is not taken into account in the divorce proceedings.

I can’t believe you’d cut his partner out of his inheritance. That’s insane. If my DH’s DF did that my DH would tell him to fuck off.

Wellingtoncat- we talked about ways to borrow money from my parents and that option came up, and we rejected it in case of the unlikely event DH and I split. There's no way I'd agree to live in a house with a loan hanging over me- I'd rather pay it back as I went than take the chance it would never be called up.

The most sensible- and moral- solution is to not give him more money than you can stand to lose half of to a conniving daughter in law. So instead of giving him 200k, give him 20k as a house deposit and accept that yes, his wife will benefit. When they have kids, offer to pay for all the baby stuff. Take them all on holidays.

It is still more likely than not he won't divorce, btw. Most people don't- the divorce rate is around 60% and a lot of those are second marriages so let's say he has a 2 in 3 chance of staying with the woman he marries. That means a 2 in 3 chance of generations of christmases with a woman you have signalled you distrust and on some level view as a gold digger.

Giving money with strings and conditions will cause more resentment than not giving it at all. My parents and inlaws both helped us with deposits with v generous amounts: my inlaws attached no conditions, my parents wanted to involve themselves with house hunting. It can breed resentment. He will be building a family unit. All the steps you're thinking of risk causing estrangement from you, when you're trying to help him.

Disagree with all these people worrying about future DiL. See a solicitor.

Many cases, (and many AIBUs on here) in which second wife/husband and step children get something they were not intended to have or when divorce means loss of a home.

The divorce figure is misleading as first it means 1 in 3 do end in divorce - that is quite a risk. Secondly many people do not get married in the first place - but still share assets and split up or die.

Alternative scenario. DS buys small flat with £200k. Girlfriend very impressed by this. Moves in. Together they buy a house - they are in love. House in joint names. They are both 28 - she meets someone else - or he does. House split 50 / 50. His £200k becomes £100K

Or they get married - but he can't have kids or she can't or he gets ill and can't work - she leaves him after three years. She gets half.

Or he has a child with his girlfriend and she dies or leaves. You adore your GrandDD. He remarries a woman in later life who already has two kids. They seem happy but new wife does not like step DD. She inherits everything when your DS dies and then leaves, (as is her right), it all to her kids. Your Granddaughter gets nothing.

Hundreds of stories like this. You are being sensible to think about it. The law is there so that everyone knows the rules from the start