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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you forgive people?

44 replies

TandemBanana · 23/01/2018 14:03

My (D)M said some really horrible things to me a few years ago and I am really struggling to let it go. I have spoken to her a few times about it since then, but she appears not to understand why I am so hurt, so I know I am not going to get any resolution. I still think about it every single bloody day, and in my head I repeatedly go over the event and the conversations we have had since.
She lives very close and I have gone from seeing her a few times a week to may be once a month .
How do I let the go of the hurt and move on? Give me your techniques to forgive and forget please.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/01/2018 14:06

When someone we love hurts us in whatever way it can take a long time to overcome it.

Personally for your well being it's something you must try to do if you can. Being bitter and resentful is so detrimental.

Have you thought about having some counselling?

JustVent · 23/01/2018 14:06

What did she say?

I’m answer to your Q, yes I forgive people. But not every time. There’s one friend I can think of that I will never forgive. I tried, but I couldn’t get past what had happened.

hevonbu · 23/01/2018 14:08

Maybe you should just put it behind you without forgiving or forgetting. If she doesn't understand, she doesn't. Let it fall off like raindrops on an umbrella (if possible).

Cath2907 · 23/01/2018 14:09

In many cases I fail miserably to do so. However my mum occasionally says hurtful and foolish things that she doesn't really mean but that she will refuse to appologise for and that make me both angry and hurt. We struggled with our relationship for a couple of years after I lost a pregnancy and she said some pretty awful things. Finally I think time soothed the hurt a bit. That and a decision on my part to actively try to forgive. Whenever the thoughts of anger and hurt came I actively tried to replace them with thoughts of all the loving things my mum has done for me.

What finally did it was my daughter. One day it dawned on me that my mum loves me as much as I love DD. I'd be broken if DD thought I didn't love her. My mum has reasons for sometimes being a bit unreasonable and hurtful but I know she loves me and has spent her life looking after me and caring for me. I love her and if that means now and then she gets to upset me it is hardly a big price to pay for a childhood full of love.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 23/01/2018 14:11

I can only forgive people if they apologise so I get how you may be feeling. I’d find it hard too.
I don’t think its wrong to not forgive if you’ve been hurt badly but it’s very difficult if you still need to see them

Original poster

TandemBanana · 23/01/2018 14:20

So how do those of you who forgive manage it?
Are there any techniques I could use - or books ?

OP posts:

TheViceOfReason · 23/01/2018 14:26

I can forgive if someone genuinely understands that what they said / did was wrong and regrets it.

Otherwise... i may appear to have forgiven and forgotten, but i haven't. I won't exact revenge or bear a grudge (life is too short). But i will remember.

rabbit12345 · 23/01/2018 14:30

For me it is not about forgiveness. That comes in time. Your mums words have shifted your relationship. This means that any future relationship needs new boundaries. I suspect that you have not done this as you have limited your connection. This is fine if that is your boundary but from your post I do not think this is what you want.

My advice would be to work out what led to her being able to say these things and in what scenario this might happen again. Then set your boundaries. For example if alcohol was involved, only have interaction when everyone is sober.

The more positive interaction you are able to have, the easier it will be to forgive.

divadee · 23/01/2018 14:30

I wish I knew the answer. I have been NC with what was a very close cousin for nearly 2 years now. She said some really hurtful things when I went through a complete mental breakdown and then suffered a miscarriage. All she has ever said is sorry she didn't support my mental health more. Not sorry she said the things and sorry she bitched about me behind my back to my partner etc.....

I wish I could forgive but I just can't and I do feel it has now gone to far. What I am most sad about is it has affected her relationship with my mum, and her mums relationship with my mum (sisters) and so they very rarely speak now. Some people just love the drama.

WFPB · 23/01/2018 14:37

Sometimes it is for your own best interests to distance yourself from someone after they have hurt you, especially if it is a pattern rather than an isolated incident and they have failed to apologise. Only you will know whether or not it is a realistic aim to get your relationship back to the way it was before.

The not letting it invade your thoughts every day, despite keeping the distance, is something else and you may require counselling to move past that. It can take a long time but it is so important that you move past this stage - it can be incredibly destructive to your well-being.

rabbit12345 · 23/01/2018 14:42

Also if you are ruminating on it to the point of thinking about it every day you can try some exercises to help this.

remember that what has been said is not your reality. It was someone’s opinion. The past is not reality, the future is not reality only the here and now is reality and thinking about it is not changing this reality.
I sometimes have to self check myself when I ruminate. If I find it affecting my day, normally a mental telling off helps to snap me out of it somewhat. Sometimes I imagine there is a light surrounding me and I tell myself that the negative thoughts are not allowed in. Or I will sing a song as I can’t mentally ruminate and sing at the same time.

Once you free up time in your head, it will become clearer for you to decide what you want to do.

Original poster

TandemBanana · 23/01/2018 14:43

Whilst I go over it in my head everyday I don't think I will move on as I relive it continually.
I need a way to break that cycle.

OP posts:

LadyMarmyLard · 23/01/2018 19:21

Is she sorry for what she said? If not, then that's probably why you still feel bitter about it.
You can't forgive someone if they aren't sorry.

I'm not sure that helps you much practically, you could look on amazon bookstore? Bet someone will have wrote a book on forgiveness.

etap · 23/01/2018 19:24

You just go "eh, could be worse"

markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

Laiste · 23/01/2018 19:28

I tend not to forgive anyone if they're pig headed or self centered enough to not see what they've done or apologise for how they've made me feel. The damage is done in my eyes.

How about deciding you can't forgive or forget and from now on you feel differently about them and that's that. It doesn't mean you have to go NC or anything, you just know how you feel and you have the right to that. You can give yourself permission to stop thinking about it all the time because your decision is made and you've no need to debate it in your head any more.

Schlimbesserung · 23/01/2018 19:35

I try to forgive, always (because the alternative is bitterness which would harm only me). But I find that what I tend to do is make excuses for that person, which isn't the same thing at all.
I'm coming to the conclusion that the most important part of forgiveness is trying to remove the power the other person has to hurt you. Once you don't let their words or actions hurt you any more then the rest is more straightforward.

EggsonHeads · 23/01/2018 19:40

To be perfectly honest I don't. I accept whatever it was that happened andvtry to take it in perspective-it's rarely ever as bad as it first feels/seems but I don't forget about it. Ok, it does mean that my feelings toward others can cool but I also means that I am likely to make the same mistake or get hurt the same way twice.

meredintofpandiculation · 23/01/2018 19:41

Maybe try to forget and don't worry about the forgiving? Remember back to school when you were trying to learn something, lists of spellings etc? You went over and over it as often as possible. That's what you're doing now with your DM's remarks. In other words, you're using effective techniques to fix them firmly in your mind. So do the opposite. Don't call them to mind deliberately, and if they appear push them firmly out of the way and fix your mind on something else. It'll take time. If you think it'll help, do something symbolic, like write them down one last time and set fire to them, or flush them down the toilet.

iamyourequal · 23/01/2018 19:49

There is a lot of emphasis on the goodness of forgiveness in Christianity OP. I don't know if that's something that interests you but you could always google it and read a few articles and see if it helps. I'm sad to hear your own mother said awful things to you. Does she know and is she sorry?. Its difficult (not impossible) to forgive some one who isn't sorry for what they've done.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/01/2018 19:54

Why are you going over it again and again in your head? What particular bits drag you back in? Are you imagining different ways you could have responded? Do you have a deep seated fear that truth was spoken?

MysweetAudrina · 23/01/2018 19:59

Forgiving is for the benefit of the wronged person not the person who has committed the offence. You don't need acknowledgement or an apology from the other person. Forgiveness allows you to let it go. You are the one constantly thinking of it and letting it take up space in your head. Do you think it is costing your mother the same amount of anguish. I find it easy to forgive in that I can normally understand why the other person did what they did. Not that that excuses it but it allows me to soften a little bit. I don't think forgiving someone means you allow them to repeat their behaviour and sometimes you have to take steps to distance yourself emotionally or physically as you have to protect yourself too. Forgiving is important because it allows you to let go and move on without carrying around negative emotions.

It can take time though and you have to allow yourself time to process the hurt. We all need forgiveness at some time or other so I also keep this in mind when I am annoyed or hurt over someone's behaviour. I have said and done some horrible things and people have said and done horrible things to me. I have distanced myself from some people but I do not harbour any I'll will towards them and wish them well in their life.

Life is hard and i do believe that most people mean well and try to live a good life but sometimes they say and do hurtful things. When it comes to my parents especially i try to understand why they did certain things to me in the hope that if my children ever need to forgive me for something that I will be offered the same understanding.

WhereIsBlueRabbit · 23/01/2018 20:37

I agree some therapy might be a good idea - it sounds as though you might benefit from talking it out with a neutral person.

One thing I have done occasionally when I want to "forget" something, or put it behind me, is to write down specifically what is bothering me, get it all out on paper, and then burn it. Sounds daft, but it helped me.

Original poster

TandemBanana · 23/01/2018 23:11

I did try counselling but it didn't really help.

She has always said nasty stuff to try and manipulate me, but this time she went too far.

Somebody posted the narcissists prayer on here the other day and that describes her perfectly whenever I try to pull her up on something.
I'm in my 50s so I've been dealing with this for a while.

OP posts:

BattleCuntGalactica · 23/01/2018 23:14

You don't have to forgive anyone if you don't want to. We seem to be all about forgiveness culture nowadays, but it's not compulsory, and if you don't feel someone deserves it, then don't grant it.

BuckingFrolicks2 · 23/01/2018 23:38

Try googling The Forgiveness Project

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