To speak to BFF-turned-bully's mother?

[herbaceous]

Bit at a loss.

Our DS has had the same school BFF since year one - they're now year four. They used to be like peas in a pod, in a larger group of friends, and all was lovely.

However, a few months ago BFF started getting very bossy with DS, dictating rules in games, telling DS which bin to use, how long to spend on his school work, stuff like that. DS is very amiable, so kind of went along with it.

Inevitably he eventually got fed up with it, and started saying 'no'. At this stage BFF started to hit him, shout 'don't be so rude', or threaten to 'get him blocked' off their online games. He also hacked into DS's roblox game and sent rude messages to his friends, stuff like that.

It has got gradually worse. BFF has 'accidentally' kicked DS in the back, tripped him on the stairs, etc, and now if DS gets angry whispers to their other friends about him, and takes the mickey. He tells lies about what DS has said.

DS now tries to ignore him, but BFF has started to annexe their other friends, and say horrible things where DS can hear but not see. When DS turns round, both deny it.

I have had a word with their teacher, who says I'm not the first to mention this and that he's keeping an eye and that DS can always talk to him. However, the BFF is cunning and most incidents happen away from the teacher.

Should I speak to the mum? We had been good friends, though have cooled recently after she lost her shit about me picking DS up from a sleepover too early. She is pretty scary.

Tbh I would leave it to the school. If it becomes 'personal' the the school gees are not going to be somewhere you are happy going, more stress for your ds I feel. Write down anything he tells you after school so you can speak to the teacher the next day and don't forget bits!

No.

Things have cooled for a reaso and more than likely because she's a cow...as you say she "lost her shit at you" and that's not normal.

Her son's probably acting like this because she's a cow.

Don't let up on school though. What are they DOING about it?

She has, you could say, very high standards of behaviour, and I suspect high anxiety. The boys would often have sleepovers, with the general pattern being to pick up around 10am. DS wanted to go on a protest march after one, meaning he needed picking up earlier. She went mad, saying she'd arranged a whole day for them to be together, etc.

I didn't, obviously, know this. Apologised profusely, gave her a cake, etc. I'm still apparently in the wrong.

So yes - I suspect BFF is acting out his home life.

It's just SO HARD watching DS go through it all, and I feel it's my duty to 'make it all better'...

Go back to the school and ask what they are doing about it because keeping ‘an eye’ on the bullying issue is simply not good enough! If you get no joy out of the school then by all means contact the bullys mum...what other option would you have?

Fuck that how is your son supposed to learn to stick up for himself if you don’t do the same.
I would speak to her nicely to say that you’ve had to raise an issue with the school about BFF’s demands of your child. That it’s starting to turn sour between them and you would appreciate her speaking with him and asking him to be kind or to leave DS alone if he no longer wants to be friends.
If she loses her shit lose yours back nothing stops a bully in their tracks apart from not standing for their shit.

I would have another word with the teacher and encourage your DS to develop other friendships. Don't speak to the mother. From what you've said I suspect it will fall on deaf ears and may even wind things up even more. It's so hard when these things happen. I've been through similar with my DDs. Try to steer him towards other playmates

He is playing with his other friends, but this has caused XBFF to start the whispering campaign. I'm afraid he'll turn his other friends against him!

you can't stop that though - you can only help your son with the skills to push through this.

These kind of Mothers never think this is their fault.

I would distance myself, encourage other friendship groups and keep on at school.

She's always said, of other badly behaved children, 'I'd always want to be told if my child is behaving badly'. Not sure that's true in reality though...

Don't speak to the mum. It won't go down well.

Encourage your DS to develop other friendships. Encourage him to spend time with people who make and feel good about himself. If your DS is having problems with this child, then others will be too and they will work out who to believe

Never speak to the other parent. It never ends well. I speak from bitter experience.
Tell teacher and role play some scenarios with your DS so he is more comfortable with how to react. Plus play dates with other friends.

I really wouldnt talk to the mum - she doesn’t sound like the type to take it well and you are apparently still in the dog house for picking up early (which in itself is deeply weird of her). However I would def escalate it with the school esp in view of the fact the teacher already hinted you are not the only one to have complained. What are they doing about it? Have they spoken to the boy and told him to stop it? Also I would try to help your ds consolidate other friendships by doing some fab play dates etc.

What does bff mean here? I always saw that as best female friend?

I think it means 'Best friend forever'

OP how long has this bullying been going on for? Did it happen to coincide with his Mum going mental at you?

I just wonder, if she's rather volatile, if she didn't go mental in front of her child after you picked yours up that morning and subsequently turned him against your son?

Either way, she sounds like a nightmare, as does he. I would push the school to do more to address it as it sounds awful.

I wouldn't speak to her she sounds a bit highly strung anyway so it won't end well. I have only once approached a parent who had always previously been so lovely and kind but didn't handle it well. To be fair the behaviour stopped but jeez if looks could kill! Seriously she is the nicest person in the world but no one wants to be confronted about their kids being little shits!

Keep going back the school, insist on some action and tell them they need to do a lot more than "keep an eye on it".

I think BFF means best-friend forever. That's what they used to call each other .

PBY - you're the second person to suggest that mother has planted seeds of dislike. BFF had been doing his 'telling off' for a while before SleepOverGate, but it's certainly got much nastier since then.

OK. The consensus seems to be 'DON'T TALK TO THE MOTHER WHATEVER YOU DO'.

I have drafted an email to the teacher and deputy head (who is good at this sort of thing).

We're just a bit sensitised, as he had to move from his last school because of bullying, and the teacher doing Jack Shit about it.

For what it's worth I don't think you're being at all over sensitive about it. It's really knowing these things are happening to your child. I do think the best way to deal with it though is to speak to the school and arm your little one with the tools to get through this. If the mum is as much of a nightmare as she sounds then you confronting her will give her more things to snipe about, her son will pick up on it and then his behaviour may get even worse. Good luck. Hope it's sorted soon

*really horrible knowing

How awful for your DS, it must be very hard for him having his BFF turn on him like this. It is what can happen with kids' friendships, though, and for this reason it's best to encourage them to not just rely on a BFF, but to cultivate other friendships. You can help with this by arranging play dates with other kids in his class.

I agree that it's not a good idea to speak to the boy's mum, she doesn't sound like she'll respond well to such a conversation. But you should push the school for answers on what they're going to do about the bullying. And help your DS develop strategies for dealing with it himself. Mainly he should avoid him and play with other friends.

I was a victim of bullying during my school years, it's a horrible thing for kids to go through. I'd hate to think of my DDs going through that too. That's always been my biggest worry for them at school.

If it has fallen on deaf ears with the teacher, I get your son to stand up for himself. If the school continue to do nothing, ask to speak to the governors because if others have complained they should have a duty to address the parents. If all else fails, yes tell the mother and put her in her place too!

DS needs to smack BFF in the chops

BFF is about a head taller than DS, and quite intimidating!

This has all gone on the back burner as my elderly dad is in hospital, probably not going to make it.

I hope he's ok op