AIBU to think Alien-themed exercise at school should have been thought out?

[MoanyM]

Yesterday my kids went to school to find that aliens had broken in, in the middle of the night, there was police tape everywhere, a special assembly held so they would be able to watch the footage and then look for clues etc.

The problem is - my 4 year od is autistic and I could not get him down last night at all, he was too frightened to sleep until midnight. Both my children were worried about aliens coming back into our own house - intrusive thoughts etc etc. They are both literal, sensitive and on the anxious side, but are not unusually jumpy or neurotic and I don't believe that they would have been the only scared kids.

AIBU to think that school should have thought about the impact on reception year kids, or on children with special needs? Would your kids have been unsettled by this? I just think that 4 and 5 is too young for this sort of exercise.

School should have warned all parents! It's a bit ridiculous to assume that all children are going to take this the way it's intended, as not all develop their imaginative play at the same rate.

So a little letter home a week beforehand would have been the sensible thing to do for the school.

Yup, my sons' school did the same thing. Funnily enough the little kids were fine - ds2 was desperate to find an alien - but the Y5s and Y6s who had just been studying WW2 evacuations were terrified. A fire drill was called, but they weren't allowed to collect their siblings, and they all had to stand outside as "police" and "scientists" went into school and then came out to reassure them that the aliens had gone. DS1 was convinced they would all be evacuated somewhere, in classes, without their siblings.

I was furious. When they told them it was all made up, some time later that day, even then they didn't encourage the Y5s and 6s to debrief/talk about how it had made them feel. They just wrote funny poems about aliens. It took a long while for ds and his mates to be able to smile about it all.

(I was v proud of his instinct to want to protect ds2, however, even though they fight like anything at home. He luffs him really )

This was posted before... What are the chances of two totally separate schools doing the very same exercise, unless it's Department of Education advised or something?

My sons yr1 class did this exact same exercise the day they returned from Christmas break!

To be honest, it seems to have been a massive hit with the kids in his class (so 5 &6 years old) and he has spoken about it quite a lot since doing it. It's been posted with pictures on class dojo and looked brilliant - none of the comments from the parents appear to suggest any of their kids were upset or worried by it.

Of course OP, that's not to say no other child shouldn't be - I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to suggest it's not something that fits the age group of reception children because I think it does but you are not being unreasonable to be concerned about the school not having your input into whether you son, with own special set of circumstances would have been okay with it.

this a common activity in schools, for the most part it is great fun, and the kids love it.
4/5 is on the young side, in terms of it being aliens and them taking it literally.

But in your case OP, I think there is an issue around his ASD where the school has let you and your ds down.

A child with ASD needs a heads up about things like this, a chance to prepare, and a chance to explain that it is like a game and not real.

My friend's son has ASD at he is given the heads up about fire drills, as he is terrified of the fire alarm. So he knows on the morning that it is coming, and the TA takes him out 5 minutes early. He understands that it is a secret and doesn't tell anyone else.

It is something that needs stating on his IEP, that he needs support when the class goes 'off curriculum'

The school of my youngest kids did just that too, and my youngest is in reception, they all loved it!

OP you should ask the school to be warned in advance due to your special circumstances, so you can make a decision accordingly.
However, the school cannot remove everything a bit out of the ordinary and the routine for everybody, it's not fair on the other children.

There were a couple of reception kids this year who were very upset and scared by the "naughty elf" who visited their home. All kids react differently, we are just there to help them out when needed.

Again, do raise your concerns to the school and ask for suitable warning, just don't try to ban everything for the whole school. If my kids are "Invited" to participate in an excursion or residential I don't think is suitable, I don't sent them, i wouldn't try to ban it entirely.

Another school here which did it! My kids loved it (ks1)

You can't change it now but approach the school and explain. Children with SEN is a learning curve for teachers still. I would like to think they'd appreciate the feedback.

I'm so upset I feel like moving him. I've lost faith in the school's judgement or foresight.

You probably all think i'm being a snowflakey drama queen, but I just know I'm going to have to deal with this alien nonsense now on top of his other issues which already include intrusive thoughts, and feeling safe at home. We were just making progress on sleep issues which we have been battling for some months now and his teachers know about that. (I am completely open with the school and speak to his teacher weekly.)

shasta I do think KS1 is too young for this sort of thing, although i think from the age of 7 or so, it would be great fun.

I just would have expected to be told in advance considering my son has well documented issues, and no, I don't believe in ruining the fun for everybody. My kids are my problem and I get that.

At the very least parents in reception class should have been given a letter home to make their own decisions - let us not forget that some of those kids will be only 4.5 yrs old!

Moany - I don't think you are a snowflake, I think you are dealing with the fallout of something that has badly effected your son with ASD.

Sadly, that is going to happen many times through his school career, as many of the things which are great for NT children, are the worst option for ASD kids.

I would take a deep breath, go in to see the teacher and calmly explain the ramifications of the alien day.
Not as an accusation, but to explai why your ds is distressed.

Ask if there could be a section added to his IEP about times when the class goes 'off curriculum' eg, that he gets told ahead of time so he can prepare, that it is made clear what is fantasy/pretend and what is real, that on the day he gets the help of a TA to explain and process what is going on.

But also ask if the school could now spend some time with him, explaining what has gone on, and that it was pretend. It needs to come from the school if it is to work.

I don't think you're a drama queen! We're all about looking after the needs of our own individual children and if anything is a cause for concern for YOU and YOUR children then I don't think that's being a drama queen!

I think what Steppemum days about getting the school to explain to him about it being pretend is a great idea.

I know, my own child is 4 years old! (summer baby)

Well, I am on a few of our parents social media groups, and I truly haven't seen anyone complain or raise the issue about the visit of our aliens (who also left dangerous POISONOUS slime! How scary!), or haven't heard of any KS1 child having any issue.
Parents are usually not shy on expressing their views, so it seems to be as fine as can be in our school. On that point I disagree with you.

But of course, do contact the Senco urgently, and raise the issue. The school could easily send an email to all the parents to pre-warn them, or at least the SEN parents. (or organise something in that line)

I think they should have told you in advance. Ages ago when I was at primary they did something similar but it was a murder! There was police tape and real policeman and we had to go on the field in a line and look for clues. There were things with fake blood on them. I actually liked it but I remember a few crying because they thought it was real. I would have been scared if this had happened in reception.

No, I can totally understand where you are coming from. My son is 10 and this would cause us problems. He doesn't have any SEN, though he is now being assessed for mental health problems. So I suppose his status could change. He would have been absolutely traumatised by this, despite putting on a brave face at school and knowing it's pretend. He is terrified of the idea of somebody breaking in and it would set off all of those thoughts again. His class did something when they were about 6 or 7, where there was a soldier with bandages on him in a pretend ww2 trench. They warned them beforehand and said any children who didn't want to do it didn't have to. He was too embarrassed to admit it and it caused problems at home for weeks afterwards. I'm not sure school would even think to warn me of this beforehand because he is not on the autism spectrum and as yet has no diagnosis. The teacher laughed it off and explained that he could have opted out but I was still pissed off, though I can also see that it wouldn't be fair for all of the other children to miss out because my son is scared.

A MURDER!!!??
thats insane!

I'll shut up now about a few aliens spinning on the teachers' chairs!

My school did this and we used the FXGuru app to film the aliens coming down. Perhaps you could download this app and film in the garden or local park together to show him that although it looks real, it's easily faked.

It just films a normal video (ours was just the empty school field, but you can have people in it too) and then the alien footage gets added on top, but your DS would be able to see that it's the same video they filmed with you. Gives you a good opportunity to talk about real/not real and how things can be made to look lifelike when they're not (on tv and in films etc).

It might be more supportive to your son for him to understand the processes behind this sort of thing instead of removing him from activities like this at school, as you can't censor him from everything (and I mean that kindly, not as a criticism ). I'm sure the school meant it as a fun and engaging opener to some learning, but it does sound like they could have done more to support your DS with this - perhaps next time they could involve him in the secret setting up of the activity so that he knows that it is not real, but can keep it as a surprise for his peers?

I think you're confusing the very valid point you have by continuing to focus on what age is 'too young' tbh.

Wrt children with SEN (of all ages) - absolutely the school should have managed this far better - you should have been informed in advance, and the school should have been proactive about assessing the possible impact & managing accordingly.

The '5 is too young' thing is a red herring.
For most NT children it's not and they really enjoy it.

If you're going to contact the school (which I think you should, as they've spectacularly messed up wrt your child), don't dilute your very valid point by linking it to age as well.

I honestly think the most important thing is to communicate directly with the school. They are not always perfect, god knows, but they are normally of good will and raising your concerns is the only way to improve things.

I really agree with FaithHopeCharityDesperation

There is a real issue here for your son which the school needs to address, focu on that, and let go the 'too young' thing. Keep the focus on your child.

I think that your son would probably have struggled even if he was 7/8/9. That isn't a criticism, it is just highlighting that HIS needs must be met by the school.

DC school does stuff like that a lot - I think there is a lot of fun to be had etc. DS2 was a bit confused/bewildered by it at a v young 4 - reality and imagination blurring, the older two were fully immersed and engaged. No nightmares.

BUT yes, of course they need to plan to make sure that it's appropriate, inclusive and takes into account the needs and experiences of all their pupils so YANBU in the slightest.

DDs school did this a few years back when she was about 6. She loved it while in school, but once at home and going to bed she started to get scared by the whole thought of it, and we ended up with a few nights of bad dreams. She still mentions it now. It does seem a strange thing to do for such young children as they can't always distinguish what's fantasy and what's reality. Would be much better suited to years 5/6 children really.

Could you maybe write a social story to explain what and why it happened, I'm sure you are familiar with them but if you're not there is lots of examples online. It would have been preferable to use it beforehand but it may still be beneficial.

Mine would not have coped with that too well at the same age, and they're fine. Hope he is OK and that you raise it with the SENCO.

I do think 5 is too young. Not all children mature at the same rate. At 5 many children are still afraid of the dark etc and this sort of thing doesn't help, the idea of something breaking in overnight etc would frighten many, I would imagine.

At the very least, his teacher should have prepped him.

He's not too young- my kids' school did this when they were in KS1, and my kids loved it. I'd never seen some of their classmates so desperate to get to school early as they were that week!

However, his additional needs mean this has negatively impacted him.

You need to focus on the effects of SEN. Don't claim he's just too young, because that will just make you sound over-protective. You know the effect on your child, so speak about that.