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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about DD saying things that aren't true?

44 replies

GinnyJumperoo · 23/01/2018 09:07

She's just turned three.

To keep it short, she has recently really ramped up her tantrums and wants to do literally everything by herself. She has always been like that but has been much more intense about it recently. She gets very angry, but she is easily distracted.

The past few days whenever she gets angry she has made a comment like "don't hit me again mummy" or "stop hurting me mummy". She does it to DH as well.

Neither of us have ever, ever raised a hand to her and would never dream of doing so. In fact I think I've raised my voice to her once. It is a complete fabrication.

I understand small kids lie but she goes to nursery three days a week. If she tells them "mummy hit me" I don't know what will happen. It worries me.

She did it again this morning. I was trying to get her to eat her breakfast and she was carrying on. I said "eat up or I'm going to switch paw patrol off" and she said "noooo don't hit me mummy". DH gave her a telling off and said she wasn't to make up stories like that but I don't think she really took it on board.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 23/01/2018 09:54

Yep, my 3yo DD does this too. We've had to sit her down and talk about the importance of telling the truth, and that making up "porkie pies" can hurt people's feelings. She's coming up to 4 though and she's only just getting it.

There often seems to be some element of truth to what she says: so "daddy pinched me" will always have me ask daddy, "did you pinch her?" Because I want her to believe that I'll believe her, and stand up for her, if she comes to me with a problem. But then it transpires that daddy didn't pinch her at all, he put her coat on her and the cuff will have caught her arm awkwardly, or something like that. She makes a specific face as she confirms this, very over dramatic like me

It's got better over the last six months or so.

Enb76 · 23/01/2018 09:55

She's 3 - the word hitting is probably not associated with actual hitting in her mind, it might be her actually saying "stop talking to me", stop making me do stuff i don't want to do". Her language hasn't developed enough to realise what she's actually saying.

Serin · 23/01/2018 10:06

Was going to say the same as Enb76!

She probably doesn't know what hitting is and is using it in place of Stop annoying me/Stop bothering me.

Maybe you could demonstrate hitting an object, tell her that this is hitting and ask her if Mummy has ever done that!

One of ours told us repeatedly that his pre school teachers pulled all his hair out....every day......but it all grew back before we collected him.

MiaowTheCat · 23/01/2018 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GwenStaceyRocks · 23/01/2018 10:15

I think Enb is right. She is confusing 'hitting' and 'hurting' with getting into trouble. I'd explain the difference to her. My DS used to say people shouted at him when he was getting into trouble even if no-one raised their voices. For him 'shouting' meant getting into trouble and had no correlation to volume or tone.
I wouldn't mention it to nursery tbh because what can they do with the information? If a parent was hitting their child, a pre-emptive excuse can't be enough to stop nursery investigating. I'd trust nursery to judge the truth of your DD's statements in an age-appropriate way. Unless you want to ask nursery if they can shed any light on why your DD is talking about naughty children being hurt/hit.They may know what has prompted it.

Spacesuitmakeover · 23/01/2018 10:19

I babysat for a little girl who thought that me getting cross with her in any way was "hitting her". I had to explain what hitting meant. Could it be that?

btw I wasn't raging at her more like asking her to stop doing things but getting cross to prevent accident/injury etc

BertrandRussell · 23/01/2018 10:21

The social services are quite busy, you know. I seriously doubt if they would investigate a single scratch, or an unfrightened unmarkec child claiming to have been hit.......

BertrandRussell · 23/01/2018 10:23

My ds got into trouble because another child said that he swore at her. On investigation, it turned out that the child thought saying “shut up” was swearing.

whiskyowl · 23/01/2018 10:29

I agree, explain the concepts of 'hitting' and 'hurting' in more detail, and stress the importance of not confusing one with the other. Three is old enough to start to distinguish and to understand that some of these distinctions really matter.

blueskyinmarch · 23/01/2018 10:29

I think you would be best to tell the nursery what she is saying so they are aware and don't start thinking you are actually hitting her- although without bruising or a coherent story they are unlikely to think this.

I say this as someone who worked for years as a SW in child protection. I carried out dozen of 'ridiculous' investigations with the police where children had marks (scratches, bruise, bites) and said a parent did it. The nursery/school were duty bound to pass it to us and we were duty bound to investigate if we felt it was required.

Perhaps out of 5 such investigation s 4 turned out to be nothing (it was the cat, sibling, fell off bike etc) but 1 would be something significant in terms of abuse. I understand how terrible it must feel to be investigated if you have done nothing wrong but people do harm their children and it is impossible to know without looking into things further which children they are.

iatethepies · 23/01/2018 10:34

Dd said things like this between 3 and 4yo. It was awful, I once pulled her back from stepping in front of a car by her coat and she told the teacher I had pulled her hair and pushed her over because she was naughty. She did grow out of it eventually.

Taylor22 · 23/01/2018 10:38

My husband, myself and our son who I believe was two at the time were walking through a car park when clear as day and not quietly my son said

'Daddy don't hit mummy'

My husband has never raised a hand to me. In 5 years he's never raised his voice. I can't even fathom where he got that from but it terrified me that someone would 'intervene' if he carried on saying stuff like that.

AnotherShirtRuined · 23/01/2018 10:41

I would do as MiaowTheCat suggests. Also ask at nursery if they have any idea why she is suddenly telling tales like this and if she or others are doing the same at nursery? Ask if they have any advice on how to put a stop to it as surely they must have a good deal of experience with untruthful children.

I remember a family gathering where my Dniece (3 at the time) hit her mum's arm. I can't remember why but it was quite a hard hit and obviously hurt her little hand. I was sat directly across from her so saw the whole thing as did a number of other family members. My Dniece then loudly proclaimed that her mum had hit her. She was promptly put straight but from her 3-year-old point of view she might have thought her mum had hit her and not the other way around as her hand was hurting. Not really similar to your situation at all but just to show as other PPs have done that these tales are quite common.

ThisLittleKitty · 23/01/2018 10:43

The social services are quite busy, you know. I seriously doubt if they would investigate a single scratch, or an unfrightened unmarkec child claiming to have been hit.......

And why would I lied exactly?? If a school makes a referral they have a duty to investigate.

GwenStaceyRocks · 23/01/2018 10:47

bluesky how will the nursery react differently?
A) mini-Ginny says her mum is hitting/hurting her but there are no marks; no signs of distress, etc when handing over to parents; no other signifiers of abuse.
B) the OP tells the nursery mini-Ginny has been she's been hurt but it's a lie. mini-Ginny tells the nursery her mum is hitting/hurting her but there are no marks, etc, etc.
How does the OP telling the nursery in advance impact on the nursery's response? Surely their response is affected by the absence of evidence not by the pre-emptive excuse from the parent? Because I'd hate to think an abused child would be dismissed because their abuser had the foresight to tell the nursery in advance.

ThisLittleKitty · 23/01/2018 10:50

The scratch. I have no need to lie. He was nervous starting school as he started later than everyone else due to moving areas so was meeting 30 children and a teacher in one day.

To be worried about DD saying things that aren't true?

BrownTurkey · 23/01/2018 10:51

Ginny, some advice. Firstly, observe whether she might be interpreting a handhold or gesture as a hit (being super sensitive to touch). Also, beware of giving those words power for her - the more shocked or upset you seem the more her inner toddler dictator will want to use those words. Be calm clear and simple 'mummy hasn't hit you, mummy has asked you to do x. Now are you ready to do it nicely?'

IceBearRocks · 23/01/2018 11:22

Jesus....my kids all have hypermobility Syndrome and we are all covered in bruises...my DH laughs and says we a just like peaches!

I think she just doesn't understand what hit means as her language is not fully developed. My kids used to get upset sometimes when you have an instruction as they thought you were telling them off...it's all about tone of voice!

blueskyinmarch · 23/01/2018 11:50

GwenStacey The OP can say to the nursery that miniGinny keeps saying things that aren't true and ask advice on how to manage it and also find out if she says things like that in nursery. It is about opening up a dialogue with the nursery and working with them. If they heard miniGinny saying her parent hit her and had bruising in the relevant place the nursery staff should know how to prompt a little further discussion about it to clarify if it needed passed on. In fact we would often ask staff to clarify some things with the child and tell them how to go about it without muddying any investigation. It is often a fine line.

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