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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you still have to pay...

85 replies

ThisLittleKitty · 22/01/2018 21:05

I've come across a lot of people who have the opinion that if you don't see your kids (for whatever reason) then you shouldn't have to pay for them. Aibu in thinking you should still have to pay? Or do you think that if someone "opts out" of seeing their kids then they shouldn't have to?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisLittleKitty · 22/01/2018 22:07

I don't think someone should have to pay maintenace if they have their child 50% of the time. (Ex has never taken our children through choice)

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 22/01/2018 22:38

Crunchymint What the fuck?!?!

Notasperfectasallothermners · 22/01/2018 22:41

My ex dil thinks dgs is pay per view. Ds pays over cms +whatever she asks for or he doesn't get to see his ds.
Not just the men who are twats.

Viviennemary · 22/01/2018 22:44

It's not something I would personally choose to do. But if somebody wants to opt out of having anything to do with a child I don't think they should be legally forced into paying maintenance. But they must give up their contact rights permanently.

crunchymint · 23/01/2018 10:43

Mother It is obviously a joke. The resident parent has to spend money on their child irrespective of how often they see them.

trevthecat · 23/01/2018 10:53

This is my exh view. 5 years with no contact. His choice. He said I get child benefit so he shouldn't have to pay for his 2 dc. Cms use a deduction of earnings order now. I offered to let him hand over parental responsibility but he refused so he can keep paying.

Graphista · 23/01/2018 11:40

My dd was planned and very much wanted at the time of conception I believed.

Ff almost 17 years ex hasn't seen her for years, doesn't call, doesn't answer her calls and we ended up after a long battle with a deduction order.

He thinks that she lives on bloody fresh air! When he was still seeing her when she was still primary age he made a big thing of what a lot of money he pays me for her. It barely covered half her food and clothes!

Yes supposedly there's laws in place but there's too many loopholes and they aren't enforced. Also the amount calculate by cms is pitiful.

Whole thing needs overhauled but more importantly people's attitudes need to change.

I've been relatively lucky in that exs wife 2 thinks he should pay and even tried to get him to pay more than the cms min.

But in real life and on here there's a lot of new gf/wives who see the DC from previous relationships as an expensive inconvenience their man shouldn't have to pay for. That attitude stinks!

Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 11:45

I think if the couple are married then the man should have to pay regardless of the circumstances if it's his child. But a woman has the right not to continue with a pregnancy or to have a child adopted I think a man should be allowed to opt out completely of paying for or seeing the child. But it would need to be a permanent thing and give up all rights.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 23/01/2018 11:52

WTF Vivienne? Hmm

What about people who feel abortion is wrong (like me) or who don't fancy killing their child in utero? Or those who don't want to go through 9 months of pregnancy and then experience the heartbreak of giving up a beloved child?

If a man makes a child he must support that child, end of.

And as a PP said, it's not bloody pay-per-view! Angry

TheTeaQueen · 23/01/2018 12:10

how does £6.56 a week count may as well opt out!!! lol. because apparently that's enough for a child to be supported. but if you own your own business and pay your self fuck all and take it all in dividends instead which oh surprise surprise the child support people don't take into account despite sending proof and all sorts because you know they would then have to do some fucking work!
at the end of the day, little one will find out for himself what his father is like, and it wont be through my influence, but it'll be my loving support that will get him through when he does. :( its so sad. its not about the money it's about the well-being of the child and that is so overlooked it never comes into it.

donners312 · 23/01/2018 12:22

I think what upsets everyone the most is not that these twat Dads don't want to pay but that there isn't much of a support system in place that can force them. The rare only expected to pay 16% or 2 kids for example but if they really don't want to there are so many loopholes that mean they get away with it.

I just don't understand how these people for example can owe thousands in child maintenance and then go on exotic holidays - they should have their passports confiscated until debt paid.

NewYearNiki · 23/01/2018 12:24

If one parent is restricting access to the children I would honestly refuse to pay maintenance.

Want their money but dont want them to see the dc. Doesnt work like that .

Notallthat · 23/01/2018 12:27

I actually would love there to be an opt out system. During family court I was strongly advised to take child support from my ex. He cannot see them currently but at any point in the future he could go back to court. I still have to accept his money as he sends it and if I refuse he can tell the court he really wanted to pay for his children etc I refused it etc... all the money from him goes in a court fund for when he drags us through the courts again. The peace of mind that he would not come after us again would be worth every penny and more that we would lose out on.

Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 12:28

Sorry I just don't agree with you AHedgehog. A woman has the freedom if she has a one night stand to take the morning after pill. But a man then has to pay for 18 years for an unwanted child. I think there has to be a balance in responsibility and consequences.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/01/2018 12:44

It’s a bit sick to say that taking the morning after pill is on a par responsibility and consequences wise with just not bothering with your kid once it’s born and what not

Starlight2345 · 23/01/2018 12:44

the thing is there is a whole system to enforce contact . the CMS do very little .

There are loopholes in both systems.

However if a child is conceived then both parents have a responsibility to support that child financially. my ex has never worked since we separated. so I get £7 a week. so £1 a day his dinner money is £2 a day..

He doesn't see DS.. it doesn't mean my DS doesn't need financially supporting.

@viviennemary if he is concerned he has options too.. to not have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a baby, contraception himself.

WBacca · 23/01/2018 12:45

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Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 12:57

If you want to apply these rules to men then they must also be applied to women. If men are not to have sex unless they want a child then why not the same rule for women. Then there would be an outcry.

HelpNeeded3 · 23/01/2018 13:01

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Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 13:02

But I do agree if you are going to have a maintenance system it must be enforced more rigorously. As in deduction from pay. It works with student loans why not maintenance. This is why men seem to think it's an option but at present it's not meant to be.

Graphista · 23/01/2018 13:07

Vivienne - could NOT disagree more! Men have choices too - contraception they can control, not having sex. Every time we have Sex there is a risk of pregnancy for BOTH parties why should only the mother have the financial responsibility?

Many of the men I know that don't pay maintenance the children were conceived in long term relationships and often were planned. No way should they be exempt from their responsibilities! But many of them do withdraw.

There is an attitude among far too many men that when the relationship with the mother ends they no longer need bother with the children either. It's disgusting and needs to change.

Fluffyunicorns · 23/01/2018 13:07

Of course they still have to pay although I don't understand how some people expect that the rent or mortgage should be paid for by the absent parent (particularly when kids hit school age and the resident parent can work) as the parent would still have to pay for their own housing if there were no children. Yes to an amount for all other bills though.

Because my children don't live in the bathroom or kitchen! If it were just me I would live in a one bed flat quite happily but with two children I live in a three bedroom house and therefore a large proportion of the costs are because I am housing the children.

NameChanger22 · 23/01/2018 13:12

Any parent that doesn't support their child financially is neglecting them. Urgh, I don't know why this is still murky water.

Graphista · 23/01/2018 13:13

Fluffy - totally agree if it were just me I'd be in a studio or tiny one bed flat, much cheaper due to less rent, cheaper fuel bills, lower council tax (if any). So yes it IS for the children's housing costs too - or are they suppose to live in a cardboard box?

whiteonesugar · 23/01/2018 13:31

I do know someone who had a terrible time with their ex and whilst he was refused access to his child he put the maintenance payments away and told the ex he wouldn't give her any money if she carried on refusing him access to his child. Lasted a month or two and as soon as she let him see the DC he sent her the lot in one go.

So in that case, while not ideal, it worked for him. He knew they had a roof over their head and clothes etc in that time otherwise he wouldn't have done it - it was a last ditch attempt to gain access to his kid.

However in pretty much all cases I do not believe that access = money. You have kid you pay for it and that's that. If you choose not to see your child it makes no difference. Not seeing them doesn't mean they don't need clothes/ food / water/ heating etc.

My bio father didn't pay a penny towards my upbringing or my older brother's. He is a douche.