Am I expecting too much?

[Mellodrama]

I need some perspective ...

8 months into a new relationship and so far things have been going well. I have 3 DC and he has 2 (who live with him). Anyway, we've both emphasised that we DO NOT want anymore DC nor do either of us want to marry again (both divorced).

Anyway, he is extremely laid back and this can come across as though he doesn't seem interested although his contact and actions do counterbalance this, also he is a genuinely decent guy.

My concern is, in the future (if we are still together), is it not normal to move in together? I get the impression, from a comment he made, that he wouldn't want this (until kids are grown up). (He has a v large home with space and logistically, it could work).

If he never wants to move me in, does this mean he will never truly be committed to me ? Do any of you guys out there have a successful relationship but live separately?

I think it's early days still. Especially with the kids, maybe tricky divorces etc. A lot of nice blokes are laid back in this way. it doesn't mean he's not committed. He's probably having a lovely time with you and not thinking too far ahead. You, on the other hand, are over thinking it - not a critisism or judgement - I do it all the time!!

Why don't you make a pact with yourself just to go with the flow until say 6 months time. Just enjoy the relationship and then take stock. You never know, he might feel differently in 6 months time.

Good luck.

Why the rush to move into someone else's home with your kids? Have you read the thousands of threads on here from people who move in with 'DP' and find out that he/she can ask you to leave and you have fewer rights than a lodger?

Of course it's possible to be in a committed relationship without living together. He's very sensible, IMO.

I’m totally committed to my OH - we don’t live together. And have no plans to. Why is there a need to if you’re grown ups and not looking to raise a family together?

I think Yabu to want to move you and your dcs into his house at this stage.

Based on threads I’ve on here, I would be extremely reluctant to move myself and my dc into someone else’s home, unless maybe I was planning to keep my own home anyway.

From his perspective, if his house is the main family home for his dcs, then maybe he’s worried about moving you in, in case he suddenly dies and his own dcs lose out on some of their inheritance? It may also be part of the reason he doesn’t want to marry again.

This isn’t about step-parenting / mixed families being a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing though. It’s purely about the adults protecting themselves and their dcs, financially and emotionally. If the bf thinks moving in should wait till the dcs home, then that’s up to him really.

Sounds as if his kids are his priority-that's good!

Of course things can work without living together, but if you want to at some point & he doesn't, then surely you split?

hmm, I can see both sides really.

I have 3 dcs and I'm trying to imagine the point at which I would be willing to become a mixed family with 2 dcs of their own. Given that it would mean one of us giving up their dcs home in order to move into the other one's home.

I think that is a huge step actually, and that you can all be pretty happy with time as your own family and time all together.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where moving in together was never going to be an option. To me it is a logical next step in terms of committment etc.

I think the issue is that after 8 months, how ever close you are, it is early days for such a big step, given the implications for both sets of kids. I would be thinking more along the 2 years point.

I think you need to talk to him about it. In theory it makes sense to live separately and not unsettle both your children but a lot of that depends on your children’s ages and how long in theory you’d be waiting.
Also the situation with his children’s mother will effect how he feels about this, if he had a nasty separation then he may feel that he isn’t sure about living with someone and it may take a bit of time for him to want to do that.

Take your limerance goggles off and put your children first FFS. They need stability and not a future dictated by the wants of their mother.

I have close family friends who are married, and live in the same town as each other, but choose to keep separate houses. They probably stay over with each other 5 or 6 nights a week, but don't live together.

It's odd, but they are certainly committed.

Eight months in, you should still be enjoying time with the two of you, not looking to create a seven person household with all the stresses that entails. If your time together is happy then try not to do too much looking to the future and what ifs, especially as marriage and more kids aren't on the cards I really don't see what the pressure is. If it's purely about commitment, why does that have to mean moving in with him? Why can't you be committed just by loving each other and showing it in behaviour? You both already know that more tangible commitments like marriage don't necessary last so no need to set too much store by them if everything else is working.

All I ever hear from MIL is how hard it is to find a self-sufficient man who can live at his own house while she lives at hers. Does he have a single friend? Around 70?

He's probably thinking of his kids. However much he'd like to live full-time with you, I doubt if they're pining to share their home with 3 children they barely know - or with you, come to that. Blended families sometimes work, but there are enough occasions where they don't for any parent to think twice about introducing additional stresses into their children's lives.

Most people move in together because they want to start a new shared life, with or without kids on the horizon.

But in your case, because of all the logistics of having multiple kids each, its not about starting a new shared life, its about combining pre existing busy lives. Whats the point? Its better to continue living your lives and running your households as you're used to and then enjoy quality time together.

Sounds a perfect idea!! Own homes, own rules, bring up your own dc your way, no step dc to deal with daily!! Only the best bits of a relationship!! Sounds bliss!!

Iwasjust Or a friend in his 40's for me? I really don't want to live with someone again.

My postman (yes, we have been talking on the doorstep for years whilst he tops up his cat addiction with my lass) have been together seperatley for over 5 years and it works well for them and their respective children.
They do things where all the kids are together like barbecues and camping or trips to the coast.

Thank you all for your replies, only just managed to jump back on here as I'm on a tight uni deadline

I wouldn't want or expect to move in together at this early stage, God no!! I was just thinking to the future, like, what is the 'norm' these days, type of question.

Your replies have definitely given me some perspective and knocked a bit of sense back into me! I have very bad relationship anxiety so tend to take much of what he might say as indication that he doesn't really want to be with me or will be looking to just end things at any time

I'm in no way silly, in the sense that if he ever did ask me to move in, I only would if my name was to be jointly added to the home as I know I'd otherwise be left in sh*tstreet should a separation then happen

I know I just need to chill and enjoy what we have, I was just getting a little worried that it might mean he's never going to want that level of commitment with me, in case he finds someone better

Long-term commitment but living in separate houses? Sounds like my dream relationship!!!

I'm in no way silly, in the sense that if he ever did ask me to move in, I only would if my name was to be jointly added to the home as I know I'd otherwise be left in shtstreet should a separation then happen*

Why on earth would he give you half of his home? Even if he could. He'd have to be mad.
And that you're even thinking of trying to lay claim to his house after a few months ...he should run.

Try and chill. Things sound good right now. It's early days and you both have children, enjoy the relationship and let things happen naturally.