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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want too!

28 replies

Lmsm · 21/01/2018 20:38

Lurking for a while, thought I'd ask advice!
Two kids, DP for 10 years now.

Ive suffered depression all my life medication and councilling doesn't help,learnt it's just me and I have to try deal with it.

Anyway my partner doesn't seem to understand I do my best everyday,
I get the kids to school, clubs, friends houses, I take them on days out etc.

DP is hardly around but when he is its a constant battle.
I have to cook dinner, (it has to be healthy lots of veg and cooked from scratch) Im moaning at if I've thrown something frozen from the oven.
Washing up is my job even if I cook dinner "because he gives me money".
Washing clothes, hes are expensive, need washing separate. If he hasn't done it, its my fault for not keeping on top of it because he doesn't have socks!!
If he plays with the kids and its getting late I'm told to calm them down and get them ready for bed because"they do not listen to him"! Why is this all my job??
The minute he wakes up and there's an accumulation of washing up or something he will moan, say I'm lazy and useless.
I just want to scream I look after your children 24/7 while trying to study a degree.
Ive tried leaving but I no he loves us, he just wishes I was perfect.
What I'm asking is, is it normal for him to moan about the washing up for example and for me to just completely shut down amd not do it just because he's asked? I mean I no it has to be done, but the minute he brings it up I just don't want to! Is that normal??

So sorry for the essay on one question! Tried to write it all down. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 20:39

Sorry first time posting, I'm not very good!

OP posts:
TrinitySquirrel · 21/01/2018 20:41

How have you got so far with such a dickhead? He would've been out the door within the first few weeks if he didn't correct his shitty behaviour.

Do the words "fuck" & "off" never spring to mind when he talks to you like that?

He needs a verbal dressing down in my opinion and to shut his trap.

Eliza9917 · 21/01/2018 20:44

Why can't he wash up? Leave it there until he does it.

Then leave him, what a wanker.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/01/2018 20:46

Im not surprised you're struggling.
He just wants you to be perfect. Well I'm afraid he'll be forever whistling Dixie, won't he. You're not perfect. You're never going to be perfect. You're human.
He sounds like a controlling bully to be prefect honest. If he wants his clothes washing separately. He's big enough and ugly enough to get off his butt and do them himself. So what he works, well so do you in bringing up his children and at least he gets a tea break.

user1493413286 · 21/01/2018 20:46

I’d be tempted to dig my heels in and just do things how I want them done - cook what you want, wash up when you want, don’t do his washing.
How on earth does he have the cheek to expect you to be perfect when he clearly isn’t.

baramewe · 21/01/2018 20:50

I think your mental health problems might have more to do with him than you Hmm

Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 20:50

TrinitySquirrel
It feels like all I say is fuck off, Im pretty sure he understands were I'm coming from, he can be nice! he just won't stop, all I get is "well I give you money so stop moaning and do it" or "get a job" which I'm doing everything in my power to do. It just gets me down and it makes me not want to do anything! I just wish it had the opposite effect and made me want to prove myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 20:52

baramewe
You mean you think hes why I'm having problems?
I mean e's had a fair few problems himself think I've always hoped he would understand because of that? I may be wrong

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 21/01/2018 20:53

When he tells you how to do something, tell him to do it himself.

I wouldn't be doing another thing for someone so ungrateful & lazy.

Spadequeen · 21/01/2018 20:53

Sounds like he’s a major cause of your issues. Seriously, apart from money what does he add to the relationship?

Almostfifty · 21/01/2018 20:56

My DH used to walk in the door, get changed then help with the children till they were all in bed and then he'd help clear up the kitchen. This was after working from seven in the morning till he felt he could get away, which was always six at the earliest.

The thing was, he knew I'd had it as hard, if not harder than him, and if clothes weren't washed or ironed, he'd get the ironing board out and do them himself, as he knew I would have done it if I'd had the time. That's what being a caring, helpful partner is all about. If yours isn't the same, then get rid.

andpeggy1 · 21/01/2018 20:57

No wonder medication and counselling hasn't worked to lift your depression. Your DP shitty attitude towards your relationship is enough to keep anyone down!

I urge you to re look at this situation through different eyes. If this was a friend of yours posting what would you advise them to do?

Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 20:57

He's made me feel bad really. Only because he goes to work and brings the money so he expects it because he has been out all day? I've left the washing up for days before but it will still be there. It's so annoying. Is there a way I could say it to make him understand more?

OP posts:
Love51 · 21/01/2018 20:58

Am I the only person wondering if the depression might lift if op made a big life change?
Although I wouldn't opt straight for that, give him a chance by explaining each time how he's being a twat. 'You wound them up, you deal with the consequences'. 'you are their parent, talk to them so that they understand you'. 'yes there is a pile of washing up, are you planning to do it now or later?' every problem - yes, how do YOU intend to deal with it.
Then you'll probably have a row after which either he steps up or you break up.
DHs mates fiance left him last week. I asked DH why. He said 'she said it's coz he's lazy around the house, but he thinks it's really about her mental health'. He could have tested that theory by doing some washing up!

Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 21:16

He has left before, after I told him what I felt. I say to him you don't have to be with me for the DC, but he always comes back. how do I get over that stubbornness feeling? Or is it stubbornness do I no I shouldn't have to do it really?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 21/01/2018 21:21

Right, I was the breadwinner for 10+ years and I never spoke to DH like your DH speaks to you. If I had of he would have quite rightly told me to fuck off.
Your DH sounds like a knob.

Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 21:21

I've is good in other ways with the kids etc, it's just me and him have different ideas.. I think..?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 21:22

*he is not I've got Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Lmsm · 21/01/2018 21:24

OK thank you all for your replys. I guess I'll try speaking to him again, I'm worried if I ask him to leave because I'm unhappy he will use his words to get back in, it's a never ending circle. If I could ask for extra help on how to stand my ground be very grateful! Smile

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 21/01/2018 21:27

Not remotely normal or acceptable but men will often have a moan if they are allowed to get away with it- you should definitely assert some boundaries and push back against his demands and moaning.

Love51 · 21/01/2018 21:34

Why do you give someone the opportunity to leave you more than once? I really don't get how people do that (not just you op) - if someone breaks up with you surely that's the end of the matter? By taking him back you are condoning his behaviour.

NomsQualityStreets · 21/01/2018 21:35

If his "expensive shit clothes" need washing separately I would suggest he can be in charge of that himself if washing it with the rest of your things isn't good enough.

Same for dinner if he wants cooked from scratch, fresh etc and complains about what you've made he can cook his dinner himself and you just cook for you and DCs.

If he's bothered by the dishes hand him the rubber gloves and washing up liquid and tell him to crack on.

The expensive clothes bit made me think - Does he control the finances op or is it in a joint account?

And just for a bit of comparison - I'm a SAHM , DP works 7-5.30.
He sorts the toddler in the morning as he tends to wake up at 5.30am. He comes home from work and either helps with dinner or takes over the DCs so I can cook/sort kitchen in peace etc.
He volunteers to hold baby whilst we all sit at the table and have dinner so I can catch a break from looking after him all day even thought he's barely come through the door.
We both take turns to look after the baby whilst the other does bedtime with DS1.
Oh and he also does all baby's nappies through the night if they need doing - he'd give him a bottle too but I'm EBF so he can't do that.

Original poster
Lmsm · 22/01/2018 00:52

Thank you, happy I'm not completely in the wrong! I have to leave if he continues I feel so worn out defending myself all the time.

OP posts:
Fascinate · 22/01/2018 02:59

My first. LTB.

Clearoutre · 22/01/2018 04:38

“Ive suffered depression all my life medication and councilling doesn't help,learnt it's just me and I have to try deal with it.”

When there’s someone killing your spirit in a hundred tiny different ways please don’t think that the depression ‘is just me’.

How much happier would you be if if you were supported instead of pulled apart?