Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should get an apology

24 replies

Mar1984 · 21/01/2018 19:46

Ok I am hoping this isn’t too long. I have 2 DS (7 and 5), DB has 2 DC (DD 8 and DS 4) my DS5 said his DD8 swore at him badly to be told that she doesn’t swear so not to lie. His DD is called by him who calls My Ds4 a liar and starts crying he is trying to get her in trouble and is a liar. I then step in and call partners DS4 and ask him as the impartial who confirms she did swear and said exactly what my DS said. his DD8 starts screaming she didn’t mean to it just come out etc and I said she needed to apologise for calling my DS5 a liar twice and blaming him for it, she refuses and sulks off and refuses and partner says it’s fine as she is now upset that she was caught lying as it must be an accident.
I have waited for DC to go to bed to tell him I am angry that not only was my DS called a liar she wasn’t made to apologise for it, I don’t care about the swearing but she should of apologised for covering herself by trying to get others in trouble. He thinks she shouldn’t of said sorry as she got upset - who is right

OP posts:
Iliketeabagging · 21/01/2018 19:49

Alas, it is too long.

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/01/2018 19:50

He said, she said, blah blah - who are the children in this situation / You asked a 4 yo to adjudicate?

RowenaDedalus · 21/01/2018 19:51

You are right. She should apologise for lying

Elllicam · 21/01/2018 19:52

I think you are right, she swore at a younger child then lied about it. She should have apologised. I’m assuming DB is dear boyfriend?

PancakeInMaBelly · 21/01/2018 19:52

But forced apologies are meaningless anyway

Greensleeves · 21/01/2018 19:52

Personally I don't approve of forcing children to apologise. I think an apology should be voluntary and sincere otherwise it is worthless.

Thesmallthings · 21/01/2018 19:56

Pancake they may not mean it but it still teaches them that they need to apologise when they upset some one... how else are they going to learn.

And yes she should be called upon they lying. Lying allways gets a bigger punishment in my house then if they was to tell the truth.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/01/2018 19:56

Ok, I got confused. The 8yo should have more punishment than just “she’s upset now”. Loss of privileges plus making it clear there is a lack of trust in her now that she lied to get someone else in trouble.

Wakeuptortoise · 21/01/2018 19:57

Is swearing really that wrong? Y'all need to let it go.
Also hope you're not dating your brother.

billybagpuss · 21/01/2018 19:58

She would never have apologised well in the heat of the moment she was cross and probably embarrassed, its one of those things he should probably have a chat with her about later when all is calm to point out how wrong it was and how hurt they were, then maybe suggest an apology.

Viviennemary · 21/01/2018 20:00

I agree that forced apologies are meaningless. What's the point. She will know whether she lied or not. If you are sure she lied then say I am very disappointed in you for swearing and then telling lies about it. And don't listen to any excuses.

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 20:02

Oh dear, we have all this to deal with when our DDs squabble, who said what, who did what blah blah?? And when we visit their cousins it's magnified as it all gets very fraught sometimes (they mostly play nicely tbf).

I agree that apologies are meaningless if forced. They can only really happen after one of the parents has spent time with the child and helped them to understand how their lying (or whatever they have done) has upset the other child. Then the apology is sincere and means something.

In my experience, mostly both children have played a part in what's happened and they both need to make up and move on. Or they sometimes just need a cooling off period.

FarmerSee · 21/01/2018 20:07

I don't think a forced apology is necessarily the best thing to do. However, I do think an appropriate punishment should be given out (no dessert after a meal / a toy taken away... something along those lines) to show that her actions of swearing and lying have consequences.

missyB1 · 21/01/2018 20:08

Well if my child swore and then lied about it, he would be getting a telling off. And yes if he called other kids liars to get himself out of trouble I would make him apologise, whether he wanted to or not.
Those that say a forced apology is pointless, actually it forces the child to acknowledge they have wronged someone . It’s about accepting responsibility.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2018 20:22

What would BF's reaction be if your 7 yr old child had done that to his 4 yr old and you had refused to make him apologise?

That will tell you whether there is any chance of your families blending successfully. I have a friend who split up with a guy similar to this. He would never discipline his DC, and yet would expect my friend to come down like a ton of bricks if her child upset his. He would always believe his child, even when there was incontravertible evidence of her lying. The straw that broke the camels back was the childs bed covered in friends make up and them both still denying it was her and blaming friends child, who wasnt even there that day Hmm

LovingLola · 21/01/2018 20:28

I feel sorry for all the children involved here...

Allthewaves · 21/01/2018 20:30

There's is no point in forcing an apology from a

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 20:32

An apology is impossible, but it needs to come once the child has understood why what they did was wrong. And it really is rarely the case that one child is totally innocent and the other one totally guilty.

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 20:33

Sorry, that should have said, 'an apology is important' lol.

DoJo · 22/01/2018 00:14

And it really is rarely the case that one child is totally innocent and the other one totally guilty.

Really? I work with kids and have often, probably more often than not, seen a child happily playing with a toy and another come along and take it, for example. I'm often astonished at how quickly a situation can escalate out of nowhere precisely because a child acts purely on impulse! This doesn't sound like tit for tat so much as one child pushing boundaries and another being on the receiving end of it!

Lizzie48 · 22/01/2018 09:21

I get what you're saying, DoJo. What I'm getting at is that when one child hits/bites/pushes another it's important to find out why. The other child might have snatched the toy they were playing with happily, which provoked that response. Obviously the lashing out is wrong (I was a child who lashed out when upset with another child), but it's important to work out what actually happened not just to punish the one who did the hitting.

Snatching mostly happens with younger children, where the adult is supervising more closely; older children should have learned not to do that. (Obviously I'm not judging SEN children who haven't yet learned this.)

Amanduh · 22/01/2018 09:26

Oh ffs. They’re kids. You shoukd have just left it there. What a non incident

Lizzie48 · 22/01/2018 10:08

I do agree that this is petty. Best just to leave it. It could well be that the DD8 was afraid of getting into trouble for swearing, hence why she lied.

RowenasDiadem · 22/01/2018 11:16

I have to disagree that forced apologies are pointless! It is a huge part of life, apologising even if you don't mean it so that the injured party feel better. I have taught my children that it is only polite to apologise if they (for example), accidentally bump into another child. Yes they didn't mean to but that doesn't mean they should just shrug it off!

No wonder so many of today's children are ungrateful, rude brats lacking any empathy.

Your DP's child should be made to apologise OP. Not so much for the swearing but for lying, trying to get your child in trouble.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread