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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to dh’s dn wedding

19 replies

StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 13:46

Namechanged have posted about in law situation before so bavkground may familiar.
In a nutshell dh’s sister fell out with us a few years back widely agreed by most that it was her issue not ours she became abusive about us and had lots of arguments with Dh until he went nc and from this so did I. Following that his mother very much took her side eg not visiting our dd on Xmas day as she didn’t want her dd to be upset And shouted out me when I was pregnant blaming me for rift between her 2 dc even though I was encouraging Dh to sort things out for sake of peace, lots more incidents I finally went nc with his Mum last year.
Mil sees dc every fortnight for short visits with Dh.

Anyway his sister (nc sis) dd wedding is this year we including our young dc are invited. Our dc have met his dn a few times but never his sister. I’m dreading the thought of going- his sister is can be volatile and would hate our dc to see that plus would feel awful if it spoilt dn special day. Would it be terrible if I said Dh best to go alone he was very close to dn as a baby and feels he really should go.

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Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 14:01

Should say it’s a few months away yet not got the invite but should be coming soon

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lookingforthecorkscrew · 21/01/2018 14:02

She’s your niece too, you know...

Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 14:03

Yes of course was trying to make it clear in title

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BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 14:04

No that see.s a sensible compromise, esp if you also send her (dn) a warm personal message wishing her well - so it's clear that you have no problem with her.

Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 14:07

Yes I was thinking that I would reach out to her to explain why and hope she understands and I think (I hope!) in some way it might be a relief to her that she’s not worried about any potential arguments on the day? Might be wishful thinking on my part though.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 14:08

Send DH on his own. It’s not DNs fault but you don’t need this shit in your life

I’m not sure I’d let my child anywhere near mental GM who attacked you while you were pregnant. And if she was so worried about upsetting SIL at Xmas, why does she see DC now?

If DH wants to spend time with these deeply unpleasant people that’s his call but there’s no need for you or the DC to be put in the firing line.

I can never understand why people are comfortable for their DC to spend time with anyone who they know hates and has insulted and hurt either of the DCs parents. If you don’t choose to expose yourself to it, how can you do that to your child?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 14:09

X post. Don’t try and explain. Just send a lovely reply saying DH will be attending and you all send lots of love and best wishes.

She knows what her mother is like so she might be relieved.

mum11970 · 21/01/2018 14:10

Do you seriously think your sil would spoil her daughter’s wedding day by kicking off? Could you and your children just attend the ceremony or the ceremony and reception and then leave before all the mingling starts. Your mil and sil can hardly start an argument in the middle of a seated reception on different tables to you.

claralaraloo · 21/01/2018 14:11

She’s your niece too, you know

No she isn't. Unless OP chooses to see her that way.

Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 14:11

anne I’ve struggled with this myself-to clarify she shouted but didn’t threaten or become physical at any point.
I came to this as point as I could not be civil to her anymore - she has a ‘polite’ relationship with our dc and Dh is ready to go nc himself if she ever said anything out of turn going forward and that’s been made clear to her.

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Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 14:14

mum I’m not convinced she would but she could. Dh stopped going to all big family Xmas parties a few years ago as he thought she would kick off if we went and so I
His wider family like cousins aunts etc haven’t met our dcs because of this which is such a shame

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elsmokoloco · 21/01/2018 14:27

If it was bad enough that you went NC then it's reasonable that you and your dc spare yourselves the possibility of becoming the target of unwanted spiteful attention, and ensuring DN's day does not turn into a family war-zone. Your DH could go, and who knows maybe it might lead to something positive, if not then you've spared yourself an unpleasant situation.

diddl · 21/01/2018 14:28

Do you think that your neice would like you all to be there?

Seems a shame to snub her.

Cindie943811A · 21/01/2018 14:38

I’d leave it up to DN to decide. Contact her as you stated and say you do not want to risk upset on her day but that is entirely her decision and you will not be offended if she feels it would be more diplomatic if DH attended on his own.
DN may possible have received assurances from her mother and grandmother that they will not cause a scene.

lalalalyra · 21/01/2018 14:38

Honestly I'd let your niece decide. If she knows the situation, wants you there and invites you then chances are she's spoken to her mother.

Unless you plan to avoid every family occasion forever then you need to draw a line somewhere (with regards to not going).

If she does kick off then it's her that has caused problems, not you. Her DD's wedding is probably the one she's least likely to do it at as well.

SheRasBra · 21/01/2018 14:52

I wouldn't want to go but I think there is a danger here that if you don't attend you give more ammo to the Sil and Mil that you are the cause of all the trouble. Your staying away could be construed as a snub rather than trying to avoid confrontation. I agree with those saying to ask the DN; make it clear you'd love to come and bring DC but have no desire to cause any tension on her big day.

badcopgoodcop · 21/01/2018 15:11

I'd also ask your DN. It would be a shame to spoil her special day by not going of she'd really like to have you there. As others have said, I doubt her DM would kick off and I'm sure you could ignore her/be civil for one day. In the nicest possible way, the day is about your DN and I think you should suck it up for her sake.

Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 16:45

Thanks all I need to give it some more thought but appreciate all the comments such a tricky situation

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Original poster
StrictlySnow · 21/01/2018 20:12

Can’t

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