Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to go NC with my dad? or has he already gone NC with me?

17 replies

notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 12:46

I've name changed for this and I will try and keep it brief but wanted to ask MN as I don't have anyone to talk to IRL really. NC might be a bit extreme but any advice really...

My parents split when I was tiny and I still saw my dad twice a month, we never had the best relationship always came home to my mums crying bc he'd been drinking a lot and shouting at me etc. so we've always had an odd relationship and I've never been able to talk to him and he's never really known me.
Something happened in my teens and when he was told he said " if you weren't out drinking and wearing minimal clothing it wouldn't have happened " which has always stuck in my mind. I stopped the arranged regular contact not long after this.

Fast forward to when I'm at college and I was struggling a lot with mental health problems and I dropped out to start working instead. My Dad was so annoyed I wasn't going to university that he stopped paying CM to my mum who was already struggling with money. He said if I wanted to act like an adult and drop out then I didn't need any money but this money was for my mum to pay bills etc so it effected her.

Anyway several years later and we didn't speak for a long time, I went through a hard time, went a bit out of control ( which my mum saw and had to deal with, he didn't ) and then i got in contact later and told him i'd moved out, was living with my lovely DP and had a job etc and we really got on well, our relationship changed and we went to the pub together and I felt I could talk to him. He then got a girlfriend who i've met a couple of times, he's been single for a very long time so I was really happy for him but suddenly things changed and he never messaged me to see how I was. I didn't see him for 6 months, he'd ignore all my messages ( I can see he'd read them ) and it's like i'd been phased out! I'd ask how his day was or what we was up to that weekend and he'd ignore it. I didn't get too upset as I figured he's happy with his girlfriend and he's just living his life and that's fine. Christmas just gone I rang him in the morning to say Merry Christmas and there was no response, rang a couple of times throughout the day and no answer but he'd been active on Whatsapp and Facebook so ignoring his own daughter on Christmas day. Took my Mum texting him to make him ring me! I've still not seen him since the summer and just feel like he just doesn't want me in his life. I don't understand why he ignores my messages all the time. I don't know if it's the girlfriend or if he's just busy and doesn't really care. So do I just accept that he doesn't want to see me and stop messaging him?

Sorry it was so long and thanks if you read this!

OP posts:
Greenicicle · 21/01/2018 12:57

Sounds like more than enough chances to me. You have been through enough. Protect yourself, you are entitled to be happy.

notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 13:05

greenicicle thank you for your comment and thank you also for reading through all that. I appreciate it Thanks

OP posts:
araiwa · 21/01/2018 13:07

The ball is in his court

Nothing for you to do now

toriatoriatoria · 21/01/2018 13:16

You've given it a go, but he doesn't seem interested. I'd leave the ball on his court, rather then chasing him.

GrooovyLass · 21/01/2018 13:24

I'd give it up. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you but you need to accept that he just isn't bothered. Live your life with your DP and your DM and be happy x

milliemolliemou · 21/01/2018 13:25

I second all the comments so far. He's not been part of your life or supportive (apart from the CM which he withdrew tho possibly would have legally done anyway by the time you were uni age) and you have only had that glimmer of approval and paternal friendship. You've tried your hardest. Leave it to him.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 13:27

I wouldn't leave the ball in his court. I'd take the ball away (block him), mourn the father he never was and get on with your life. You don't need to be the daughter he can pick up and drop on a whim.

R2G · 21/01/2018 13:29

Protect yourself and focus on your family. It's a painful journey and realisation. Hugs x Go see your lovely mum with a bunch of flowers xxx

notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 13:37

thank you so much for all your lovely comments I appreciate all of you reading my post and taking the time to reply. I think I just needed confirmation from someone else that he doesn't care. I still feel guilty for some reason even though i've done nothing wrong. So is it best to block him? I know if he does turn around and try and contact me i'd jump at the chance and forget everything he's done so it might be best if I do block him? you're all lovely thank you xxx

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 21/01/2018 13:50

I wouldn't block him, I just wouldn't contact him again, and I'd delete his number from my phone so that IF he does contact you, you can have the satisfaction of saying 'who is this?'

He sounds thoughtless, and probably has no idea that his lack of contact has affected you.

arousingcheer · 21/01/2018 14:05

Going nc with my dad is one of the best things I ever did. I felt such a sense of relief after years of trying to make him seem better than he was. I had bad dreams for a while but they just showed up how intimidated I was and how glad I was he was no longer in my life.

The reason you feel guilty may be because of your relationship with him, trying and failing to fill the vaccuum he is responsible for. When I stopped trying I stopped seeing how I couldn't make up for his failings and life got better.

Good luck! Flowers

notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 14:11

emma just had a phone call with my mum and that's what she said, that he probably has no idea how it's effected me and that he's too selfish to realise! I will delete his number now

OP posts:
notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 14:12

arousing thank you for message! I do feel like I am always trying to justify and defend his actions in my head and make him seem better than he is.
I'm glad you are happier now and I am confident I will be too! Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
littletinyme1 · 21/01/2018 17:13

This man has never been good enough to be your dad. Paying CM does not give you the right to be angry with your daughter because she is not well enough to carry on in education. Get on with your life.

Personally, i'd not contact or speak to him again. He was never there to support you when you needed him, dropped you and stopped paying maintenance as soon as he could. You deserve so much better. Your mother sounds like a saint, him not so much!

Greenicicle · 21/01/2018 17:29

Hi OP
Similar has happened to ne and my DB. We have both gone nc with our dad. However I wouldn't block because if he calls you won't get the chance to ignore. My dad called me and i knew it was him so I was able to avoid a conversation. Just a thought.

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 17:33

Withdraw. It’s not you, it’s him. Delete him on social media apps and get on with your life wth family that do deserve you, it sounds like your Mum has always been there for you.

notmynormaluser · 21/01/2018 19:27

thanks again for the replies! yes my mum is amazing, she's taken money out her own savings to help me out and stuck by me through everything and raised me all by herself! My Dad has never given a penny besides the bare minimum he legally has to despite being in a very high up job and earning than double my mums salary, never had pocket money as a child, never bought me clothes or school uniform or anything.

I was talking to my mum about it this afternoon on the phone and she realised how awful he's been and that he's not really a father and it's always like i've been a bit of a burden in his life. When I was little at weekends he'd never make an effort to do anything with me i'd just follow him around whilst he went to the pub to see his mates etc whereas my mum would save that for when I wasn't with her. She's great and i'm glad i've finally realised what my dads like. I've always been a bit of an inconvenience for him and because I didn't go to university or do what he wanted he's given up.

Anyway so sorry to ramble on but I really appreciate the support from all of you

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread