Another wedding thread, help needed

[NoWeddingInSight]

NC obviously as this is quite sensitive.

Engaged for some time now, was going to have a normal wedding with lots of guests.

Then we changed our minds and were going to elope with our parents.

This was because 1) big wedding and 2) there is a member of my family that we don't want there.

My BIL touched me up when drunk many years ago. I told DP and he doesn't want him at our wedding. I could have him there and it wouldn't bother me, I just want to marry DP. I'd forgotten what had happened until DP and I were talking about the past. I was abused as a child, went off the rails, very promiscuous, got myself in bad situations, been taken advantage of several times. This thing with BIL came out while talking about everything else, I'd genuinely repressed it. No one else knows about any of this.

Now due to various reasons we can't go abroad yet - we can if we wait - plus we do want our families there so that's beside the point.

BIL is with a sister that I don't particularly have much to do with anyway at the moment due to how she is, but not inviting them if everyone else is invited isn't an option.

Basically we're stuck.

I'd book a registry office or town hall then go to a nice restaurant for a meal but we just don't know what to do about the guest list. Either they are invited and DP's day is marred or they aren't, but no one else is and we can only have our parents there.

Anything we do now will be immediate family only, so maybe 20 people max. so no chance to just avoid them on the day.

I don't really have an aibu, just need some ideas on how to get round this problem, if anyone can help or has been in a similar situation.

It's your day and DPs, the two of you make all the decisions (assuming your paying). Don't invite them, if others wish to take offence they don't need to attend, one of my favourite MN sayings comes in here 'It's an invite not a summons '

Follow your bliss

Sorry, I forgot to add that everyone including them will want to know why they aren't invited.

I can't just say 'because I said so'.

^Sorry, I forgot to add that everyone including them will want to know why they aren't invited.

I can't just say 'because I said so'.^

Just say its because you'd rather not spend a fortune on a wedding. And big weddings aren't really your thing. You and future DH are happy just to have a couple of witnesses. You'd rather that amount of money was spent on a honeymoon / new home /

These two would be the only members of our immediate family that would be excluded.

Go and get married in secret with whoever you want present and no-one else. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone.

If they ask, just say you couldn't face the hassle and expense. Or out BIL as a sex abuser, the choice is yours.

Elope to Gretna Green?

Maybe we could invite a few more people and take it up to about 30/35, possibly 50 people and have the reception in a pub, then their presence might not be so noticeable.

But DP says he can't cherry pick from his family.

Sometimes its very difficult to write an advisory posts on the information given.

To me "touching me up" means a drunk arse slap, whilst leery/letchy/and in todays viewpoint, yes an assault, but not at the far end of the scale. That I would consign to 'sleezeball' to treated with contempt.

If you mean "touching me up" to mean something more premeditated and aggressive, and a serious sexual assault then that does put a different perspective on the situation.

O/T was BIL in a relationship with your sister when he 'touched you up' ? or does the encounter predate that relationship?

Only you and DH can decide whether your relationship with your sister is worth maintaining. You are going to have to explain to your parents why and it will cause family rift. Once you tell the story, then your mother is going to have to take sides whether she likes it or not. You may end up feeling unsupported if she maintains contact with your sister. Your sister may think you are (for whatever reason) stirring up trouble in her relationship.

Although I don't understand this bit: DP's day is marred

He'd been with my sister for a few years. We all went out for a big birthday, got drunk and shared a bed. I woke up and digits were inserted to put it politely.

DP hates him for it and doesn't want him there. He will tolerate him the rest of the time but doesn't want him there on our wedding day.

This was nearly 20 years ago.

I can get past it, I did at the time, and I spent my childhood living with my abuser, even after that came out. I reported that to the police at about 13yo.

Does your sister know ?

If she does then, I'd say exclude them.

I'm sorry it's a decision you have to make.

No, no one other than DP does