To want to get this headstone changed?

[kokosnuss]

I've been helping my Mum track down the grave of some of her family. Her parents died when she was quite young and she isn't in touch with any other branches of the family, as they 'branched' some decades before she was born.

We found that the plot is owned by another branch of the family, but in it are buried a mixture of 'our branch' and their branch. However, the headstone they have erected only lists the people from their branch. Most notably, in the grave (unmarked) are my Mum's favourite Auntie and two stillborn twins who would have been my Mum's Aunties had they lived.

I think it's so sad their names aren't on their grave. But we aren't in touch with the owners, and it's an expensive-looking headstone with no real space for more names.

I wonder if they'd mind us getting a small decorative rock engraved and leaving it on the plot, with the idea that it would be small enough not to obscure the main headstone? Would you ask the church for contact details and get in touch with the plot owner first to check?

If the church doesn't have any contact details, or we can't make contact, would you just do it?

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Are the graves well maintained / does it look like someone's visiting periodically? If so you could leave a note on the grave.

You can't just do it; the grave will currently be leased by someone a,d only they can add / amend a grave stone.

We have a family member who died as a baby and was buried with other people in a plot with a wooden head marker paid for by neighbours as his parents couldn't afford it. We wanted him to have a proper headstone but someone currently leases the headstone (you only get it for 25 years I think unless you extend "ownership" of it) so we can't take over the lease or put a proper headstone up for the baby who died. It sucks but it's not your grave to change.

Someone will own the grave plot. I know because we made sure that it was my brother that owns my late mothers plot as he is physically closer as it seemed sensible.

I think you can contact the cemetery or council to ask for details of who owns the plot if you have the graves location information. I would contact the owners and ask if they would mind you leaving an engraved rock for the above reasons.

We were told that we could leave a token of remembrance for my uncle but if the owners of the plot objected we would have to remove it at our own expense.

They will not tell you who owns the plot (data protection) but they might forward a letter on your behalf if you ask.

I think it would be inappropriate and also look wrong. Like a poor ps. to the actual gravestone.

Did the aunt have children or closer family? If she did it is not your mums place to alter the grave, she also cannot alter the grave of the other families. If she really feels strongly about a childhood aunt who died decades ago being mentioned and is ready to incur probably substantial trouble and cost to change the stone/grave in a way everyone agrees with the correct route would be to trace the families to discuss.

The only appropriate thing to do is leave a temporary floral tribute when she visits.

WeAllHaveWings no the Auntie in question never married and with the death of others, my Mum might be the only person who remembers her. Just feels sad to me for a person’s memory to live on in no way at all.

Could your mum think about something different and commemorative she could do in the name of her aunt?

Where I live you see a lot of commemorative plaques on park benches in pretty scenic spots and that always seems like a nice thing. Expensive though, maybe. But I like the way it brings the person’s name into a cheerful, busy, living context rather than their only memorial being in a graveyard.

The park bench is a really good idea.

There are a lot of complicated regulations around headstones and graveyards. If you want to pursue it, talk to the vicar first and see what he thinks might be possible with or without the permission of the owners. But I agree with others who said try a different kind of memorial like a park bench.

Is this in the U.K., OP? If so I think it's usually the local council that owns the cemeteries and then some of them contract out the maintenance. If you look up the bereavement services at the relevant council, you can email them (I've done it a few times about my mother's grave; it's the only council department that's ever got back to me quickly, don't think they get much correspondence!!) - they could forward a message to the owner?

Does the church have a Memorial Book? You could speak to the vicar about getting your Mum's aunties names recorded there.

The cemetery where my mum is also has:

Memorial benches
Rose bushes with plaques
Bird boxes with plaques

You could also see if they do something similar?

In the nicest possible way, I would be fuming if a memorial stone appeared on my parents grave, without my knowledge. I wouldn't give permission, nor would I forgive. I would, in your situation, try and find the person who pays for the upkeep of the grave, and approach them first, via the church/crematorium. I agree with a bench tho, that's a lovely idea