To worry about my relationship with DS or will this pass

[WhatIWantToKnow]

DS is 16 almost 17. During the last few months it seems we can't talk anymore. Every conversation ends up in an argument. This is making me so sad, we've always had a good relationship, even in the more difficult years when we were struggling with a lot, we could always talk to him about our differences and disagreements.
Now, things are better finance/family etc. But DS seems to be on a "my parents are stupid and don't understand anything" mode the whole time. I know this is very typical of teenagers but I can't help worry that this will set the tone of our relationship with him forever :(

He seems to get upset, overly upset whenever me or DH try to tell him about something that we think needs to change. For example, if he stays up too late on a school night, really simple things like that. The moment I open my mouth, he interrupts me with "yeah yeah ok whatever" and either stops talking altogether or it turns into an argument where he shouts and (ashamed to admit) I lose my shit. DH has taken a step back and he thinks this is teenage behaviour and our relationship will be fine.
But I'm worried that for some reason, DS has decided that he can't trust us as adults and we're letting him down. And I will never know because he won't say, and if I try to ask, he gets upset. AIBU to be this worried?

Just for background, DS is doing fine at school, has a good social life , no drugs or anything like that. It's just his relationship with us seems to be a mess. And it's breaking my heart :(

Just for background, DS is doing fine at school, has a good social life , no drugs or anything like that. It's just his relationship with us seems to be a mess. And it's breaking my heart You're doing well. He's OK. And he's confident enough in your relationship to be able to kick against you.

Sounds perfectly normal for some teenagers. You have to accept he is changing from boy to man and will make his own decisions. You can't manage his life anymore.
He has to learn for himself that not getting enough sleep will affect him and let him face the consequences. The more you 'advise' him or lecture him, the longer it will take him if he is stubborn.
I just backed off when my ds was 16/17. So long as he was respectful in the house and wasn't being a problem I let him make his own decisions. I learned that from having tried to 'manage' his older sister's life....which caused all the arguing you are experiencing.

Ugh, I want my baby boy back sad

I lose my shit

He wants you to like who he is now, not be missing someone who he used to be. You should be gently nudging him out of the nest, not trying to keep him there. He isn't a little boy anymore and if he feels you can't see this then he will go out of his way to make it clear!

I have a 17 year old son. An example of a conversation about bedtime goes like this,

Him: I'm so tired
Me: Are you? What time did you get to sleep in the end?
Him: Dunno, maybe 2am.
Me: Wow, I'd really struggle with so little sleep.
Him: I just couldn't get to sleep.
Me: I'm like that sometimes. Especially if I leave the tv on.
Him: Yeah.
Me: They reckon teenagers need more sleep. Not helpful when you have to be up at 7, eh? Someone should tell schools that!

Him: Yeah. Well that's going to happen, is it! I'll just have to sleep earlier tonight.

That's it. I don't lecture. I try to be on his side as much as possible. I let him come to his own conclusions as much as possible. When it goes wrong I sometimes sing, 'Mother knows best' from Tangled. He rolls his eyes and groans.

You need to step back. If you have done your job well up to now, he knows what you would say. He will hear your voice guiding him. What he needs now is your faith that he can do it alone and your comfort and support if it doesn't go well.

Push him, tell him he can fly! He will fly back to you after a few laps!

So the consensus is that since he's otherwise lovely and is doing well, I need to take a step back and treat him more as an adult than a child.
That really helps. I know I struggle to let him go because I worry that something might go wrong and how will he cope if I'm not there.
I know it's too emotional from me, sometimes I just can't help it - I grew up with an emotionally distant mum and I hated not having any support so this probably affects my own perspective.

happy thank you for sharing. My conversations with DS never go like that when I'm trying to "guide" him so having an example is very helpful.
You sound so wise and lovely, a great mum.

Great conversation happy

I'd probable have just said "you need to go to bed earlier then" and left it at that, but yours is much better.

OP, thank you for posting because I know exactly what you mean! My DS is only 15, but he's always been a year or so ahead of all the standard age related behaviour, and I am in the same position than you, feel stuck and I too worry about how our relationship is evolving.

At the moment, I am not managing to find the right balance. Like your DS, if I pick him up on anything, I get a defensive response, no matter how nicely I ask/mention it. I ask very little of him, but the moment I open my mouth to ask for something, I get that 'yeah, I know, no need to repeat etc... , then he doesn't act on it even if I give him time to do so. So I'm left with ignoring or becoming more assertive.

When I become more assertive, either raise my voice to make a point, or calmly say that I'll have to enforce a consequence, he gets angry and then depressed and withdrawn. If I don't say anything, he doesn't self motivate himself to put act on the few things he needs to do.

When I end up getting frustrated and do it for him (mainly cleaning his room that he lets become a complete pig sty), he then thanks me a lot, admits he doesn't like when his room gets so bad, promise to work with me, say that he will give it half an hour every Saturday and I can punish him in any way if he doesn't do it, etc..... Then I gently remind him of the agreement and we are back to the 'yeah, I know, whatever' and we are back to square 1.

Part of me thinks it's just a phase, but part of me worry it isn't because it seems to be gradually getting worse and I feel that a gap is growing between us. Like you, he does well at school and has a very good social life. He is a good kid, hasn't got in any trouble at all so far, not interested in drinking, comes home when he says he will and his teachers love him, but he just always seems so miserable at home, it's unnerving.

You sound so wise and lovely, a great mum.

Thanks, but Ds is the eldest of 5. I'll wait until the youngest is 18 before I pat myself on the back