Keeping my children away (safe in my eyes)

[Cheesemonsterz1983]

Hi

This is hard to write but I would value opinions. This is causing a massive issue between my partner and I.
It’s an ongoing issue so I will keep it as brief as possible.

We are a same sex couple, 3 kids age 3, 1 and 8 months.

Partner (D) has a grandmother locally and an uncle who lives with the grandmother. D’s mum is uncles sister and there’s another sister and brother.

D’s uncle hates her, like hates her with a passion, no idea why, but he is incredibly paranoid and delusional.

Here’s a quick list of what he’s done in the last 3 years

1. told D’s Gran that she physically abuses our eldest . Gran believed him. Then when the whole family got involved he said he’d only said it to “help our relationship”. Whatever the fuck that means. Said sorry for lying.

2. stolen Christmas presents and money out of cards that were left for us at the house by other family members

3. beaten up his girlfriend on numerous occasions in front of us and other family. Strangled her at a family wedding in front of guests. I hate the gf as much as him but that’s another story.

4. drew all over an expensive photo calendar D made her Gran, with a biro, drew faces on etc

5. booby trapped his bedroom so D would stop “stealing from his bedroom”

6. when we were both pregnant, threatened to turn our house upside down to search for stolen goods

Just to add, I haven’t let my children around him since July 2016.

The problem is D’a Grandmother wants to see the children which is understandable but she’s not very able so for a while we were bringing her to our house.

She is angry and feels like the uncle should be aloud to see the children at her house as he’s done nothing wrong and is perfect

The other family are pressuring us to bring the children round the house to see her

My partner keeps saying she might die soon so I need to get over my issues and let her see the kids at her house and just forget about the uncle

I keep saying it’s fine for the Gran to come here or we take her somewhere else away from her house so she can see them

What would you do? I feel like I’m lettinf my children down by allowing them to be around him as he terrifies me and I don’t want them exposed to somebody like him.

The uncle has txt D recently saying let’s start afresh. Everyone believes he has changed. It was only October he punched his girlfriend in the face at some other family members house.

How is this man not in prison?

I wish he was.

I would be keeping my children well away from him!

You are doing the right thing. The whole 'oh they might die soon' is a classic excuse for exposing people to sbusove behaviour and emotional manipulation. You aren't stopping her grandmother from seeing the children, her grandmother is the one who is choosing not to see them. Clearly she doesn't care that much about seeing them.

I understand your partner probabaly thinks her mum can keep the kids safe but it's too bigger risk to leave the children alone in the house.

The only way I would be allowing my children in the house would be if I was there to supervise. Wouldn't three small children/babies be a bit much for her mum to have alone anyway.

I think you are right to keep the kids away (and avoid him yourself too).
The rest of the family may make excuses for/tolerate his awful behaviour, but that doesn’t mean you should.
You are doing the right thing, protecting your kids and yourself. Hopefully providing a good example to everyone else including your partner, showing that his behaviour is intolerable.
Best of luck, stick to your guns, you are right!

I really think we could break up over this as I’m being made to feel like I’m being ridiculous. I don’t care if D goes round there on her own. I don’t know what else I can do except explain my reasons for saying no. Gran is welcome to come here every day if she wanted.

Nope nope nope UANBU!
If Ss found out you let your kids regularly be around a violent person then child protection will be all over you.
You are not wrong for keeping your Dc away from this man and dont let anyone tell you any different.

Hey allthewaves hope I’m quoting this right haven’t been on for ages.

We’ve never and would never leave the kids at hers, it is just a visit to her house she wants. I could go but I’m scared of him.

I would not let my children have contact with anyone who is abusive, or anyone who colludes in that abuse.

This uncles mother thinks that it's "nothing" to have beaten & strangled his gf?

Yeah, no way would their wants trump my need to keep my kids safe.

Yeah. They blame the girlfriend. And they blamed his child’s mother when she was abused for years.

D’s Gran either completely denies he’s ever done any of the behaviour, or say say we have lied about it, or say he has a bit of a temper. D has been told by Gran a couple of times not to come round incase the uncle hurts her and this was when she hadn’t seen him in 6 months.

Other excuses made for him are a hard childhood, agoraphobia and he’s depressed.

He’s just an evil evil man.

One of the family members is a senior police officer but also makes excuses for him and jokes about it so I really feel like I’ve no leg to stand on.

There's no way my children would be around someone violent enough to grab someone by the throat in public. He sounds violent and unhinged. D is being ludicrous if refusing to put the dc first.

He's vile. Aside from the fact he's completely twisted does he have an issue with D being a lesbian? Sounds the kind of thing that would blow his tiny mind. Stand your ground. Gran is welcome at yours so there's no problem. It's her choice if she won't come. He won't change.

I really think we could break up over this as I’m being made to feel like I’m being ridiculous

That's a problem though, because 50% of the time you'd have no say.

If you are scared of him, all the children will be scared of him. If your partner wants to prioritise her uncle over any child's safety and well-being she is vvv unreasonable. I wouldn't trust her to safeguard them in that environment because she doesn't see that environment as unsuitable in the first place. Your children's welfare must come first both legally and morally. Gran will have to continue with the current arrangement to see the children and that's the end of it in my book.

Stop explaining and justifying why you don't want them there. Turn it around, why does she think it's ok to let your children close to someone who is violent, aggressive, and unreliable? Someone who hates her? Put the onus on them to make their position sound reasonable.

Don't give in and don't back down. Frankly, I would be very concerned about your partner's judgment. She knows he is violent and unpredictable yet she would still allow her children to be around this man? She's the one who needs to get her shit together, not you.

The Safety, both physical and mentally of your children is the priority here and regardless of what any other family member says or feels that needs to come first. This man is clearly unwell mentally and the pretending of family he isn’t is not helping him as he does not have to be accountable for his actions- I would refuse any contact with him at all regardless of anything else

Hey

Thanks for the replies. I feel stronger now like if D’s mum or aunt were to say to me why aren’t I allowing them etc, I feel like I can explain why as obviously you all don’t think it’s appropriate for the reasons I’ve listed.

Partner thinks he won’t hurt the children ever as it’s only adult women he despises. He’s a weak coward.

To the poster who said he doesn’t like the fact she’s gay- you’re probably right, as she’s not afraid to speak her mind either n I think he’s threatened by her relationship with her Gran. Well what little is left of it. And I’ve got a video of him screaming down the phone at her calling her a “vicious, vindictive lesbian” (you can hear his voice on the speakerphone) .

Thanks well like I said I feel better knowing I’m not just being a cruel bitch denying an old lady the chance to see her great grandchildren in her own home when the previous arrangements have been working perfectly fine.

I don’t trust him and I never will.

I might show her these replies later maybe they’ll knock some sense into her.

Apologies if that sounds jumbled, was typing one hand while the baby was hanging off my boob and I’m knackered.