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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with my mum.

23 replies

KnowYourPlace · 20/01/2018 11:24

My mum was brought up proper working class in a rough part of London, had me when she was young, raised me as a single mother until I was late teens and she met my step dad. She's always had cleaning jobs and worked in a bookies, etc, but never finished her education and never had a career.

I was the first in our family to go to uni and ended up with a good degree and a good career. My DH is an academic.

We are sending our eldest child to extra tuition for the 11+ exam because the state secondary near us was in special measures last year, and the only other viable alternative is the grammar at the top of our road or a 40 min school run in the car to the next best state school.

But my mum is being really weird about it. She keeps saying that DC1 will never pass because they'll be up against 'posh kids' and the competition will be too fierce, it's too much pressure, etc. None of the kids in the tuition group are 'posh' by any stretch. They're all ordinary kids like DC1.

I find her attitude really upsetting. It's a lack of faith in DC1, she wasn't weird about my going to uni so I don't get why she can't be supportive. I also feel like there's some sort of 'grammar school isn't for the likes of us' mentality. We've fallen out over it and now she's all huffy with me but I don't think IABU. Am I?

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 11:29

Of course you're not. She's being very strange about it!

divadee · 20/01/2018 11:29

Is your mum being honest with you and think your child will struggle at the grammar?

I have seen it plenty of times that they have all the tuition to get in the grammar school and then it all stops when they secure a place. The child is then consistently at the bottom of the class and it is very hard for their self confidence.

I'm not saying this is definitely it but are you and your husband being totally honest with yourselves about your child's ability?

Original poster

KnowYourPlace · 20/01/2018 11:37

I don't know divadee. Obviously we are both totally biased, but even trying to look at it objectively I think DC1 is bright. Okay, maybe not Mensa clever, but certainly more than capable if they put the work in.

We're being really low key about it. The way we've pitched it is that we'll give the grammar a shot but if it doesn't work out then it doesn't matter because there's always the state school (40 mins away - eek) and that will be fine too. We're definitely not pushy parents! It would just be so convenient to get in the grammar.

OP posts:

IHeartKingThistle · 20/01/2018 11:40

Is the secondary still in special measures? Have you been to look around?

I'm not saying don't put her in for the exam, but at least know what your options actually are. My best friend took over as head of a secondary school in special measures last year and is absolutely transforming it.

IHeartKingThistle · 20/01/2018 11:40

Sorry x-post. You sound sensible!

IHeartKingThistle · 20/01/2018 11:41

Oh no wait, the one 40 minutes away? At least go and look at your local school!

gamerwidow · 20/01/2018 11:45

I also worry about kids being coached to pass the 11 plus. I went to a grammar and unless you really are super bright as in top 10 percentile you really do struggle. It’s hard onthe bright ones to find out they are suddenly not the brightest kid in school anymore and it’s soul destroying for the ones who just scrapped in because they spend their whole academic life being bottom when in any other school they’d have been top of class.

wijjy · 20/01/2018 11:53

With one parent an academic, is your mother aware that her grandkids are the "posh" kids and fierce competition to many other children.

MatildaTheCat · 20/01/2018 11:57

You are putting her out of her comfort zone. She’s probably extremely conscious of her lack of education and feels different to you and your family. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate what she did to get you where you are and that you are simply doing the same for your child?

I wouldn’t feel annoyed but would feel sad that she must feel inadequate in this way.

Ohyesiam · 20/01/2018 12:07

I went to grammar school and there we re brought girls from different classes. Yes the majority were middle class, but the ponies and yachts types went to independent av schools.
Maybe your mum would have felt intimidated , so she things your child will.

Original poster

KnowYourPlace · 20/01/2018 12:40

Been thinking about this a bit more and i think the thing that's annoying me the most is that even if she's out of her comfort zone, it's not really about her is it?

It's the doom and gloom around it. "Oh DC will NEVER pass! It's too hard. They're up against children BETTER than them'... It's just so negative. If DC1 doesn't pass I don't want them to think it's a bad thing. We'll just shrug it off and go 'oh well'. But I can just see my mum making a massive deal out of it and making DC1 feel worse.

DH and I are very much taking the attitude that DC1 should just try their hardest and do their best and either way we're immensely proud of their effort. I just want my mum to be their champion too, instead of hand wringing and naysaying.

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/01/2018 12:43

I think she’s just extremely out of her depth. It’s a whole different world to her. But I think you’d be entitled to ask her to stop the negativity around your DC.

Sprinklestar · 20/01/2018 12:46

Just want to say that I get where you’re coming from, OP. Me and siblings were the first in our family to go to uni. My DC now go to private school. This is totally against anything we were raised with, completely different to the w/c background DM had. I get accused of pushing my DC too hard. I don’t, I just know they’re bright and give them the opportunities I can. Unlike my DM, who wouldn’t let me do the entrance exams to the local grammar and instead sent me the local high school where I was bullied relentlessly for being clever...

mamasiz · 20/01/2018 12:50

My mum was brought up working class in Leeds. She didn’t get into the local grammar and was desperate for me to go. I passed and went - without coaching. This was in 1996 so maybe attitudes to attending grammar were different. I really think it’s worth ditching the coaching and seeing how they fare without it. If I hadn’t passed I would have attended an outstanding secondary school. It’s well worth looking at the other schools in your area. Coaching may get a child through the 11+ but that’s the easy part! Good luck with whatever you decide.

meredintofpandiculation · 20/01/2018 12:51

Maybe she's really worried about it?If I want something really badly, and will be devastated if it doesn't, I talk myself down, prepare for the worst, get used to the idea that it won't happen. Bit unfair to bring you in to all that too, but maybe she's trying to manage your expectations too? Or maybe she thinks your optimism is setting up your DC for a big fall?

She's had a tough life, from what you say. Maybe most of her life experience has been of disappointment. She knows that people can be able, and work hard, and still the odds are stacked against them.

Your relationship will be easier if you give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume (until proved otherwise) that's she's trying to protect you all rather than trying to talk DC down. Try to explains that DC will perform better if they think "I can" rather than "I can't" and ask her to keep her "realism" between the two of you.

mamasiz · 20/01/2018 12:53

@gamerwidow - in total agreement with your post! I was made to feel like a dunce for being in the bottom maths set - even though that particular set was for children capable of a B at GCSE, which is all you really need! The kids in the top set we’re doing further maths and calculus (whatever that is..) I was in the top set for English though, which was more important to me!

Sparklesocks · 20/01/2018 12:54

She might harbour resentment to the upper classes having cleaned up after them as her job etc.

MissEliza · 20/01/2018 12:54

I think she's probably worried about your dd and as it's something she's never had experience of, she's nervous about it. Regardless, I think she should keep her thoughts to herself. If your dd overhears, it will not be good for her confidence.

ModreB · 20/01/2018 13:00

I had this. I was the first person in my working class family to go to Uni and get a degree, and I got all the comments. Then I had my DC's, who were all very, very bright. They are all Mensa qualified, whatever that means, and are doing really well.

I agree that it is probable that she's out of her comfort zone, but could you point out that what she is comfotable with is different to what you and your DS are comfortable with? Ask her what she is protecting you from?

I discovered that some of my older family could have qualified to go on to further education, but in the day the family couldn't afford it. Could this be the issue, that she doesn't want your DS disappointed?

kingjofferyworksintescos · 20/01/2018 13:14

I would think that she worries about loosing you and your family into a life she can't imagine being part of and is doing ( in her mind) what she can to keep life ticking along as it is already , she sounds like she's had it real tough but sadly doesn't have the vision of a better life for your kids , you need to have a good heart to heart and explain what you are wanting for them and that it's natural for you to want something better without her feeling left behind

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2018 13:59

Sadly you need to be coached today because state primaries don't give the children all that they need to pass, whereas private schools do.

Does the HT of your DC school think they will cope? That's the criteria I went with for my DC.
They were never top of the class at grammar but they did well.

KimmySchmidt1 · 20/01/2018 14:36

I suspect this is not about your child or you, it’s about her own guilt at not having given you the same opportunities as a child. She is insecure about how she parented you and this situation is bringing it all out for her.

Best thing to do to preserve the relationship is to emphasise the differences between your childhood and what things are like now, so she doesn’t feel so guilty. Eg ‘it was all right in our day the local school was great, but things have changed so much now’

At the end of the day you have accomplished a huge amount more than she ever did and are doing what’s best for your child, you know full well she is talking out of her arse so don’t let it bother you and Just rise about it and try to help her feel less insecure.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 20/01/2018 22:27

I needed coaching to get into a private school when I was 8 because state school hadn't given me the tools I needed. I got in and pretty soon was bumped up a year because I had caught up and more. Coaching definitely doesn't mean you won't cope.

I had a boyfriend at Cambridge whose mum went on and on about how he was out of his depth etc. It used to drive me nuts - mostly it was about her being sad that he was in a world that she knew nothing about and fear that she would lose him.

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