To cut my drinker mother off despite finding out heartbreaking facts

[Hannah1x]

My mother is a binge drinker and has been for the past 6 years. For as long as I can remember she's struggled in life with depression, constant irritable moods and learning difficulties. I had an undesirable childhood to say the least, although fortunately she wasn't a drinker when i was growing up. She abandoned me at 16 and moved back to the city she grew up, we regained contact and when I was 22 I moved here to the same city and we gradually rebuild a fractured relationship.

Her drinking has caused alot of friction in the family as we can't handle her behaviour, she will show herself up, shout swear and argue with those around her. I've threatened to go no contact multiple times but she doesn't take me seriously (or doesn't care as she's previously shown) and continues drinking.

On Sunday I gave birth to a wonderful baby boy, my mum visited us at home on Tuesday accompanied by my aunt. She was sober and in seemed totally in awe of her grandson, she promised she would kick the drink now for him because she wanted to be a support to us and make amends for the past. I told her i would love that but can't have her anywhere near us in drink and she said she understood and would make an effort to sort her habit out.

I needed to replace the innertube on my pram otherwise I wouldn't be able to get to the shops, she offered to take the old one to a shop and have it replaced then bring it straight back in the morning. I said its ok and she insisted, she wanted to help. Long story short she didn't turn up with it and when I called her she was paraletic, I was now stuck in the house and couldn't get to the shops. She made a conscious decision to go and drink herself stupid knowing me and my newborn were reliant on her in order to get out the house.

I told her it was the final straw, I could forgive her letting me down but I wasn't having her lifestyle impact my son. I decided I didn't want her around him at all and she wouldn't be seeing us. I blocked her number.

Today my aunt comes round and we discuss my mum. My aunt says she has something to tell me but doesn't know whether she should be doing. She then tells me that when my mum was a teenager she was abused by her brother, an uncle I've never met, and she believes that's the reason for her drinking.

I'm floored. I love my mother dearly and the thought of somebody she trusted hurting her breaks my heart. She is vulnerable and always has been. Despite putting me through alot growing up i would give my right arm for her to be okay.

In light of those revelations I feel horrible for cutting contact between me her and my son, but I absolutely can't have him exposed to the way she is. I have to safeguard him and put his best interests first, she's not somebody stable enough to play a role as grandmother at the minute. I couldn't trust her with him.

She doesn't want to help herself or accept help from others so I'm at a loss as to what to do. Aibu to be taking the stance I'm taking in light of what I've found out?

My heart is breaking for her but at the same time I can't ignore the way she's choosing to live. I've tried for years to get her to get help with the drink, helped her as much as I could. We all have demons, I know I do, but I can't let hers affect my little boy.

I got abused by my brother.

No way I'd crap over my kids the way your mother has.

(I went nc with him and my parents as they were all part of the same enabling crap...no way I want that lot around my DC)

You are absolutely right to safeguard your baby. Your mother is an adult and is refusing to reach out for support from any number of places available. She has to make her own choices and you have to make the correct choices for your new family, you really can't consider her to the detriment of your baby.

I know how difficult it is, I'm going through CBT at present for similar. It's not their fault that they have their triggers but likewise, they don't have the right to hurt others.

Over & Tony, I'm so sorry. That's horrible. I hope my post hasn't upset you / triggered you. I didn't think before posting something so sensitive, I should have. My utmost respect to the pair of you and anybody else here who are survivors of abuse.

I'm so torn between complete sympathy for her, which of course I have in abundance, but then a more hardened stance whereby my thoughts echo what some have said here; it's no excuse to be detrimental to mine and my son's lives.

I can say with certainty that I would never let any thorns from my past be the reason my child suffers, or future grandchildren. But then is it as easy as that for somebody with limited intelligence to make that realisation? Its so frustrating.

I'm going to look into al-anon for myself. It helps to know I'm not alone. It's just so sad you know.

I'm supposed to be enjoying my baby (and I am - he is a long awaited dream come true and I'm loving motherhood) but then alongside that I'm now plagued with intrusive thoughts about what my mum must have gone through, and anger toward her behaviour all at the same time.

She's approaching mid sixties now and I fear she won't have long left the way she's going. Every time i see her she has a new bruise or graze where she's fallen over or banged her head on something drunk. When I was 20 weeks pregnant she phoned me from the hospital saying she needed head scans, it emerged she had gone outside drunk as she often does and fallen over banging her head on the pavement before being transported to A&E by ambulance.

She is such a worry and a drain on my emotions, but i love the silly old mare dearly.

She lives in sheltered accommodation for the over 50's and I'd hoped the support staff there would mean she's a little more safe. No such luck, I think even they see her drinking as a nuisance.

@Hannah1x didn't upset me at all.

Could you speak to the vulnerable adults team @ SS? Could they offer help? Anonymously obviously.

I'm not saying you'd go on to abuse at all. But this is the time to do it. I'd been NC with my father for 10 years by the time I had my daughter so I'd processed a lot of how you feel.

I can't speak for others but I don't feel triggered, thanks for your concern though, Hannah.

I actually think it's utterly inappropriate of your Aunt to dump this on you right now. Hang on - just scrolled back and you had your baby less than a week ago???!!

Firstly congratulations, and secondly it is beyond utterly inappropriate to dump this on an immediately post-natal mother.

Your mother's drink problem and abuse are not your problems to take on and solve for you. I can't relate to having a parent with learning disabilities but I can relate to having one with issues that she takes out on everyone and it's just not good enough.

You have a tiny baby now, OP, and you need to look after yourself and your baby.

Your mother's choices and behaviour should not have to be on your mind right now and I'd be looking for some distance from your Aunt as well if her idea of supporting you is to dump all of this on you.

Concentrate on you and your new baby and remember that you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, you must be so proud. I don't know what is best with your mother, alcoholism is an illness so it seems harsh to in effect "punish" her but on the other hand you have every right to protect yourself and a duty to protect baby. It is very difficult for you and I hope you can work through it.

My mum blames everything she does or that goes wrong on the abuse she suffered as a child. And my sympathy and horror over it all meant I put her first for years. She knows this and plays to it, almost certainly. I'm not minimising what happened, I feel awful for her, but only now I'm nearly 30 am I realising I can't make her feel better or undo any of it, and that while past experiences might explain certain things, or behaviours, they don't excuse them. Your aunt is telling you this so you will excuse your mothers behaviour. Your aunt sounds like a flying monkey! Your mother is an adult, damaged or not.

You need to put your son first now though. He doesn't need this shit in his life. However. You had him less than a week ago. Your hormones are still all over the place and you've also been hit with this new information. You need to process it all and there's no need to make a Big Decision right now. By all means distance yourself but go easy on yourself too. I've been gradually distancing myself and not immediately returning into learned behaviours with my mum and it's helping a lot.

Finally, congratulations! I'm sorry this exciting, wonderful time of your life is being taken up by your mother. Mine did similar. Announcing when I was 36 weeks pregnant that she had relapsed etc. They can't not try and pull at least some attention onto themselves, it seems.

My aunt as nice as she is, is most definitely a flying monkey. She is my mum's closest relation and they are together most of the week. Throughout the years she's been a solid enabler to my mother, she will sit down with me and tell me how tired she is of it all and how it's affecting her own health - then she will sit back and allow my mother to drink at her house, downplaying the amount my mum drinks, trying to convince me she's doing it less. My aunt doesn't grasp that to quit alcoholism you need to be abstinent, no "just having one or two" by being nonchalant she's wilfully conplicit but she doesn't see that.

My mum has never spoken to anyone about the abuse, not even my aunt. My aunt says she only knows about it because she and my mother used to share a bedroom as kids and she heard it happening, whilst pretending to be asleep. She also claims the same brother tried it with her but backed off. If the abuse is part of the reason that my mum drinks so much then she's not been open about it, she's given me every other excuse in the book over the years.. grandparents dying, feeling ashamed of how she treat me, missing pets that have died etc etc.

I wish she didn't tell me all of this shit today. I can't seem to shake it from my thoughts.

I really want to believe it's not true. I want to believe that it's my aunt desperately trying to stop me cutting my mum off by saying something she thinks will make me soften my stance. I just can't grasp her ever lying about something so twisted

Oh op I feel for you. Df was alcoholic, died from a heart attack triggered by chirrosis.

I find it odd the aunt is dumping this on you now. Does she want you to take responsibility instead of her?

I’m afraid I would go Nc at this stage, you were dependent on her with a newborn and she still couldn’t stay off it. That’s not good enough.

It's unreal isn't it, to have this lumbered on my doorstep 5 days after giving birth.

I have no doubt the only reason my aunt mentioned it is because she knows that this time I'm serious about being no contact, for my son's sake. It's funny how she never mentioned it the other 101 times I've said I want nothing to do with her.

Told my aunt i intend to call my mother calmly and tell her exactly why I can't be in touch with her for the time being but wish her well and tell her the door is open if she changes her life. My aunt wasn't keen on me calling her. Leave it a while she said, she will talk to her. I wonder why that is then. Strange

Also my condolences to those of you who've had your lives blighted by alcoholic parents. I wouldn't wish it on anybody x

@Hannah1x could your Aunt be lying? Not wanting you to call in case you mention what shes told you?

I'm wondering exactly that, over.

I don't know whether my suspicions are based on the fact i desperately want to believe my vulnerable mother wasn't hurt, or because it's legitimately dodgy on my aunt's part.

I've text my mum asking her to call me. Her phones off. I'm going to speak with her tomorrow and outright ask her.

@Hannah1x good luck 💖

If you found out the abuse was fabricated would you find it easier to have less to do with your mum?

Definitely.

I'm 100 percent set in my stance, but I would hold a hell of a lot less guilt about said desicion if it emerged that my aunt was lying x

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! And how amazing and measured you are dealing with all of this just a week after giving birth (I was in bed crying because my MIL had come upstairs with shoes on, so really I think you are amazing!) I am the DD of an alcoholic, binge drinker, and the disappointment and anxiety is the worst, always worrying, wondering, dreading the next phone call, holding your breath as you enter the house to see what state they'll be in. Whatever happened in her past, your dm cannot begin to deal with it until she sobers- and until that point you cannot help her. My mother would have died for me in a second, but that never stopped her buying a bottle of vodka- it is a complex disease & one that cannot be rationalised. We had NC for 3 years, but she did sober up & 10 years later she is truly my best friend. Every day for those 3 years my heart broke, but at some point you have to give yourself permission to preserve yourself, and this is that time. By all means, keep a civil contact to check on her welfare, in a short phonecall once a week, if you feel it would help to keep that line of contact open, but there is nothing else you can do- it has to come from her & you have absolutely no reason to feel even an ounce of guilt. Enjoy your son, enjoy motherhood, those are in your control- your dm is not & no amount of worrying will affect her choices. And reconsider your relationship with your aunt- trying to appease her own guilt by opening up to you right now, when your mother is on a binge is unbelievably cruel & I would say borderline emotional abuse!

You've mentioned your mum's learning difficulties and low intelligence. It is likely that these days she would have a lot more support raising a family and really may not have been capable of raising you adequately alone. Not that that makes it any easier on you. It sounds sad all round really.

OP it's an awful situation to be in. My parents both drink a lot and we manage our visits with them with the time of day. So I know that later in the day they would have been drinking so avoid seeing them then and Sundays they go to the pub so we don't stay on the weekends.
They asked to share a house with us once on holidays and I had to say no because I didn't want that amount of alcohol consumed around the kids. Was so hard to do and I felt awful but had to do it.
You are now responsible for your little baby and that should be your number one priority not your mothers drinking. As awful as it sounds, we are all responsible for our own behaviour and hers is not acceptable to be around a baby.
I feel for you, it's really difficult because we love our parents but you can only control your own actions not hers. Don't cut contact because she can change if the desire is strong enough, you never know.
Just protect your own mind and time with your little one.

I too wonder if your Aunt is lying.

It seems extremely odd that she’s never discussed it with your Mum. Surely if they spend so much time together, your aunt would have mentioned it?

I completely agree with everyone who have said baby needs to be my priority and not my mum right now, I just struggle to 'leave her be' because of the constant worry that she's drinking herself into an early grave.

I'm going to talk to her later today and see what she has to say about these allegations, I feel I need to know for my own peace of mind

It's a living hell, just be wary that you might not get the answers you are hoping for, or reaction whilst your dm is mid/post binge. If she has never even confided in anyone, it may be a massive shock to her- and if, heaven forbid, they are true, it will make no difference to how you go forwards managing your relationship with her whilst she continues to drink.

I think the aunt is concerned that if you cut your mother out of your life she alone will have to bear the Burden of her sister.
If she finds that burden overwhelming she won't be able to 'dump' her sister because anything that goes wrong will then be her fault

I have seen the situation in my own family, an alcoholic who just kept on fucking up his parents rescue him and no one else wants anything to do with him because he's been such an asshole
Now they are very elderly but lumbered with this man with health problems and possible early stages of dementia caused by alcoholism