To think I am going to lose all my friends?

[springtimegarden]

My friends have all got young children, ranging from newborns to reception age in primary.

I love children, I really do. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to have any (haven't got a partner.)

Part of me thinks this is just a natural consequence of our lives going in very different directions, but most of the time when I see my friends the children are there. This makes it really hard to talk about anything as there are just constant interruptions and "sorry, what were you saying" and it feels really silly if you've been talking about something important to have a toddler shout something in the middle of it and friend says "oh, sorry" and attends to him and so I end up saying "oh, never mind - what does Oliver need?"

The conversations also naturally revolve around the children, latest words, steps, funny sayings, new toys. I feign interest but it's getting harder to act as if I'm really excited too.

I just feel as if we're growing apart but it worries me, as obviously, going into 40s with few friends, no family of my own - is this how bitter old women are born?

Hang in there. I lost a lot of my childless friends when I had children. It made me feel incredibly sad, but I found it very hard to keep my 'end' of the friendship going. They were at work or I was too tired, or I couldn't get a sitter.

When the children are old enough to entertain themselves for a bit things get a lot easier.

Totally understand Im child free and it’s a mixed bag for me some friends genuinely still want to be part of your life and I’ve just accepted I need to do the majority of the work in the friendship right now whislt their kids are little. Some friends have had kids and dropped me like a hot potato and make zero effort to be in my life.

I tend to find it is easier to either meet people who have grown up kids now or the few and far between who else don’t have children, and stick with the ones that still want to be friends and don’t mind your child free and need to do non child catch ups.

I haven't lost any childless friends. Between us we've maintained our friendships. Give and take on both sides.

My oldest friend is childless and probably will be so. We have wonderful times together, I look forward to our child free times but we sometimes hang out with my children too. I'd hate to have lost her because I've had children and she hasn't.

Oh come and be my friend plse op I’m serious!!

I’ve got 3 but Christ my Mum friends who talk about nothing but their kids bore the fuck out of me

And don’t Get me started on ones that allow their dc to interrupt adult conversations just Bore off already!!

I found it so hard to keep up with my friends after I had my children. I was unable to go out late, do dinners or weekends away or afford the opera or ballet or host parties. It was hard. I stuck at it. And so did they. And there were unsatisfactory outings where I knew my kids were preventing any real conversation but ....... the kids grew up.

There are three or four strong, special women that are still my friends - and have been for thirty years. Now I am free for all those things and the bond we shared before is still as strong.

So, understand that this might happen but if they are worth it, stick it out. In the meantime enjoy all the things that you can do and they can't - maybe with a different set of friends

Originalfoogirl 'If you are feigning interest in their children, you’re not really a friend.'

Massively disagree with this! Her friendships are based on her relationship with her friends not their children. Loads of people feign interest in their friends kids because kids are mostly only interesting to their own parents (unless you are a 'kids person'). If you don't have a genuine interest, then feigning interest is the next best thing! Better than never asking after the kids or not remembering their birthdays etc...

Rubbish. Not everyone is interested in kids.
But a good friend is interested in their friends' lives, including their children.

Do your friends a favour and don't pretend if you really aren't interested. That's not being a good friend.

Become the best non-aunty in the world, gather your friends kids into your life, and take them out and do things with them, then you will have things to talk about.

You do know most women long for someone to share with.

When you have children your life changes beyond recognition. The luxury of uninterrupted conversations is a thing of the past. Biology dictates that you are all-consumed by these chaotic little beings and the real, pre child person is replaced by a tired, frazzled shadow of their former self.

You can keep your friends but it will involve a lot of compromise, patience and waiting on your side. To stay friends with parents of young children you'd have to accept that the old version of your friendships are dead (for now, they can be revived later if you stick around). You'd need to view the friendships through a completely different lens. Where previously you were able to get into deep, uninterrupted conversations, now you can only hang out in a companionable way with your friends while they care for their children. It's essentially like you're hanging out with them while they're at work - parenting is an all consuming job, their first responsibility now is to deal with all those interruptions / messy faces etc.

So for a few years, you'll have the very un-fun experience of visiting them while they are working and they won't be able to pay full attention to you or listen to you in the way they used to. But if you can put up with this for a few years, eventually, gradually, you'll find your conversations are getting interrupted less and maybe they'll feel they have the energy to come out with you while they leave the kids at home.

You might also find that if you stick around you develop relationships with the children as well, which can be fun once they get past the annoying interrupting stage!

But yes you might want to find some non-parent friends to meet your other friendship needs while you're waiting for these friends to get out of the intense stage.

My best friend doesn’t have kids and in the first couple of years we drifted apart a bit because I just didn’t have time, I had twins and was fucking knackered. We saw each other as much as we could but it wasn’t the same. Fast forward a few years and we are back on track as I have more flexibility and more sleep.

It’s hard for the parents too or at least it was in my class.

Become the best non-aunty in the world

This is good advice, I think! I have a very close friend, who has made a big effort to keep up our friendship. He made a huge effort to see me regularly when my kids were very small when it's difficult to get out and do things. And, as a result, it's now very easy to meet up with him, because my kids know him well. He's more of an uncle figure to them than their actual uncle and that's lovely for all concerned. They now have a genuine relationship themselves. It's hard to imagine when you're there with a baby or a toddler.....but it's totally different when you're talking about a 7/8/9 year old.

Try to embrace it....like you would with a friend's new DH. Accept the fact that your friend now has an other half who's a huge part of her life and who "comes too". They'll be hugely appreciative- and it'll probably enhance your friendship hugely in the long term.....and in the even longer term, you may find you have a genuinely strong bond with that child.

....sorry - that didn't make sense. I should have said - accept that your friend has a child who "comes too" in the same way you would accept a new partner. Sorry. Friday night and a glass of wine down 😂

Please bear with them through these sometimes tedious years! They are still the same people, they are just being pecked to death by toddlers, but they will be fun again some day. (I have to believe this.)

However you could not be blamed for also seeking some additional childless friends who will be able to actually go out and do interesting stuff with you and talk about non child related topics.

Hang in there op, your friends might be back. I and my friends all have young dc and we find it very frustrating trying to catch up, a couple of hours later and you’ve had the first half sentence of 12 conversations , but no actual chat. Can’t wait till they can all run off on their own and I can talk to my girlfriends! Only another 5-10 years....

Please just give it some time. As a mum who has lost childless friends over time, please just be patient. It's knackering being a mum, it's hard to find time to socialise and it's frustrating when all you want to do is catch up with a friend but you can't hold a conversation because of interruptions. It's also very lonely at times.

In a few years your friends will be back to their usual selves again, your friendships can get back on track.

Your friends will still feel the same about you, children or not, I know that I've changed beyond recognition since my youngest was born but as he gets older I can see glimmers of myself coming back. You won't be a bitter old woman you sound too nice actually. And good friends will realise that you don't really want their kids in your face all the time, I completely respect that about my childless friend who has still given me the time of day.

Just give it some time.

If your friends' kids aren't the clingy types, meet up with them at soft play. The kids will have something to do to give the mothers peace, and if you meet up with them one at a time they'll probably be happy to have some company - soft play can be a soul destroying pastime for the parents.

Or if the weather's nice, meet up with them at a park, again plenty for the kids to do to leave time for conversation. Unless the children are toddlers, in which case the parent will not get to sit down.

I know exactly what you mean. My DCs are now much older and I am back to 'normal' as far as socialising and being able to give my friends attention is concerned. People with young children just do get tunnel vision. It must be bring and frustrating for you if you don't have children.

OTOH, people who don't have children have so many more options for socialising, developing hobbies and interests and widening their circle of friends. Bringing up children is just incredibly time consuming and tiring. Realistically, anybody with children between the ages of 0 to 11 just doesn't have enough time to be a really good friend and interesting conversationalist unless they have enough money to pay for help at home.

I don't think your friends are being deliberately boring or selfish. You'll just have to until wait things ease up for them. In the meantime you have the luxury of lots of time to make other friends and do more interesting stuff.

I'm still in touch with childless friends.

I have actively sought to maintain these friendships. It is hard to find the same amount of time so it's more quick lunches rather than days out - for now. I don't really feel the need to talk about my kids and my friend doesn't really ask which is a bit weird but I think it's difficult for her so we talk about everything else.

I actually find kids chat quite dull and like to talk to people about other things!

I've waited years to be able to see friends without their children. It's like place marking. We're here to pick up the friendship once they are able to get out of the house without them. The place marking is setting aside 2 hrs every few months to meet over a lunch, understandably designed in every way around the needs of the kids and that results in no meaningful connection. It's boring as hell and some friendships don't survive because if they have 2 or 3 children you could be looking at 6 or 7 YEARS before a couples evening meal is possible. And then once you get that you may find you the friendship has dried up. It's an odd process. I'd recommend keeping a foot in the door with your current friends and investing in friendships with other people who don't have kids. Our friendship group is half and half and it's important because even parents of teenagers still need to talk about their kids, which to me feels like the same furvor a person has who's talking about an old flame that ended 2 years ago. They are under a spell and can't stop talking about it but it holds very little interest for the listener after the first 30 min. Hang in there!

I’m on Christmas card terms with two of my friends,. They were continuously popping out babies (ended up with four each) while I couldn’t have any. They also both became SAHMs while I continued to work full time so it felt like we had even less in common. Their children are grown up now and I have made some attempts to reconnect but they don’t seem to be interested.

Someone once said to me, "friendship is based on shared experiences". Over time I've sort of come to agree with this - there are some friends you bond with because of that and then they drift; there are others that you remain friends with even if you have little in common any more because you just gel.

I was late to have my DD and it is more difficult to see friends with children. I just didn't realise how hard it is to be organised to go out, or how much you need sleep when they are little, and I did blame them at first!

But although some of them may drift away, they won't all drift away, and as the kids get bigger it will be less of an issue. The other thing I did was to make new friends who were childless - I had another single friend so I met all her friends and we went out all the time. I miss them a lot now we've moved! So definitely try that too.

The other thing is, you just don't know what life has in store for you. Of the group of late 30's-early 40's I met, 5 years or so later, we have:

Me - met DP, had DD at 37, pregnant again at 40
R - 45, single, travels the world and meets all sorts of people
C - 40, single, fabulous, goes on lots of dates
C - 39, single, very much looking for the one
J - 42, retraining and loving it
N - 40, married and just adopted two beautiful children, writing a book
S - 43, married and new stepmum to 2 DC
T - 42, out every single night. Seriously. Trying to get a diary date out of that one is impossible

So everyone is very different, but none of us would have said that was what we'd be doing 5 years later when I met them all, IYSWIM.

I find it virtually impossible to maintain friendships with childless people but it’s not from want of trying.

I can’t meet in the evenings because once everything is done and kids are in bed I’m too knackerd.

I meet up with other mums and kids in child friendly places so we can talk and entertain kids at same time. This would be boring for someone without kids.

Aside from work, I have few opportunities at the moment to develop my own interests so I haven’t got any great news to discuss with childless people like my sister who can talk to me about all the fab stuff she’s done like concerts, travel, exhibitions, conservation work etc. So next to a childless friend I’m afraid I’d be a massive bore.

And like you say, the little Sleep Theifs never allow you to talk uninterrupted anyway.

I hope to make some childless friends and widen my circle when they’ve all grown up (so when I’m about bloody 50 basically)