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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people assume about CM

40 replies

Imustbemad00 · 19/01/2018 19:38

Whenever I see a thread from a single mum on here I see comments such as ‘I assume the Dad pays cm’ or just generally assumptions or shock and horror at the possibility he doesn’t.
I’ve never received a penny for teenage child. Tried the csa years ago but he never paid it.
I have many friends that are single mums and probably 1 in 5 receives maintanince or any financial help. I know it’s really wrong, but it’s quite normal.
Maybe it’s different in families that have gone through divorce and have previously been stable for years.

OP posts:

ems137 · 19/01/2018 20:36

In my circle of friends and acquaintances around 50% receive some CM and the other half don't.

Most of the receiving mums have had to go through CSA at some point for varying reasons. The mums that receive CM directly and voluntarily are few and far between if I'm honest!

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2018 20:36

It always surprises me when I hear how often men get away with paying nothing towards the upkeep of their own children. I can never fathom why the Govt allow them to get away with it.

I can never fathom how seemingly everyone on Mumsnet with a DP who has other kids, swears blind they not only pay, but pay more than the recommended amount.

It's completely disproportionate to the amount of RL non resident dads that I know of.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2018 20:39

What amazes me is how many men get away with paying nothing at all and also how many women will go with and procreate with such a specimen.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2018 20:41

' can never fathom how seemingly everyone on Mumsnet with a DP who has other kids, swears blind they not only pay, but pay more than the recommended amount.'

This. Or how many have multiple kids with a guy who has other kids. I think, 'Are they all millionaires?' I mean, who can afford to bring up 6 kids unless they're bloody minted?

donajimena · 19/01/2018 20:45

expat I procreated with a man who saw his son all the time and paid CM towards him (she used to pop round to get extra if she was short too)
Unfortunately he didn't extend the same level of support to his other children

Gran22 · 19/01/2018 20:50

I'm appalled how easily some non resident parents can get away with financially neglecting their children. I suggest one way to improve the situation would be to record both parents NI number when a birth is registered. That should at least provide a work history and whereabouts of any recalcitrant parent. The lack of responsibility is anathema to most fair thinking people.

Of course there are some who don't accompany the mother to registration, but the vast majority of fathers do.

usualGubbins · 19/01/2018 20:51

I'd like to think that the best way is to make it shameful and illegal. So, like drink driving has taken just one generation to become very socially unacceptable, so it should be with non payment of CM. I had nothing, and he job hopped, ignored CSA letters and did that for 9 years. But as I think I've said before he has to live with that decision. Now he never sees his child who has no wish as an adult to see him. I never told her about the non payment until she was 28, and this was when she had fallen out with him. He wasn't very high up in her estimation but I think that dropped it through the floor. He made his bed all those years ago...

tillytoodles1 · 19/01/2018 20:52

My sil has never received a penny from her ex h. He cut all ties and never contacted either of them from his daughter being 10 months old. She's in her twenties now.

NotReadyToMove · 19/01/2018 21:13

French authorities are quite on the CM too as they are about the NRP actually seeing the children.
That means a system that is very strict and heavy (so it’s also a pain in the arse) but the RPs do get the eow.

Tbh pople are easy to find. You just need to get The I fo from HMRC. Same with how much they earn.
So no possibilities of hiding any money, unless they are also ready to get in trouble with HMRC (which they will be if the are claiming to earn only £40 a week and still own their house, go away on hols etc...)

NotReadyToMove · 19/01/2018 21:15

Also, again from HMRC data, it is quite easy to put a link there showing they have to have a wage reduction for the CM, the same way that companies would know about which tax band they are on (which is given by HMRC).
The ones who are hoping from one job to the next would Just see the request following them.

FredaNerkk · 19/01/2018 22:37

Tbh pople are easy to find. You just need to get The I fo from HMRC. Same with how much they earn.
So no possibilities of hiding any money

Don't agree. I've seen quite a few ways that DFs hide money and DFs do it quite frequently.
Eg 1) self employed DFs take very small income, but company pays large dividends to friendly relatives who pass back to DF;
Eg 2) friendly bosses are talked into paying cash which is not declared as income;

Eg 3) in the City (e.g. bankers and lawyers) and with all sorts of freelancers, companies will agree to pay the money due to the contractor/employee into an Employee Benefit Trust. The money is then paid out to DF as "an interest free loan" which can be called in at anytime by the Trust but isn't (so DF doesn't have to declare it as 'income'). HMRC has now cracked down on EBTs as 'disguised income' but they still exist and were popular and recommended by many management companies as an alternative to setting up a single person company. And whatever HMRC is doing about previous unpaid income tax, I don't think the CMS has bothered to crack down or to recover unpaid CM.

BitchQueen90 · 20/01/2018 06:54

Worra my exh pays more than the recommended amount. We only have one child. Houses are cheap round here and he is a high earner, plus he lives with his new partner who is in a managerial position and also a high earner. She has no DC and they have none together so they don't have any dependent children living with them. I don't know her exact wage but I assume they do fine for money as they go on several foreign holidays a year and have a car etc.

I appreciate that I am in a minority though as many people have more than one DC and often their ex partner remarries and has more DC which isn't the case for me.

Ilovecamping · 20/01/2018 11:51

Friend of mine has adult daughter for which he has never paid any maintenance, 2 years ago CSA sent him a bill for £34,000, he thought they would catch up with him. Hard lesson for him, absent parents have a responsibility to their children.

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 11:57

My ex doesn't pay a penny either. Simple he doesn't work or claim benefits. Cms told me to not even bother putting in a claim as it will come back as "nil assesment" and the case would be closed. It does surprise me how much I see people thinking everyone gets CSA. I have 4 children and don't recieve one penny.'never have. When I've asked ex for money he said " you don't have kids to get paid" oh yes because asking the father to provide for his kids is having kids to "get paid" he also doesn't see them again through choice and I get "why should I pay for kids I don't see" I also know only one single parent IRL who gets maintenance.

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 12:00

Oh just to add losing a driving license wouldn't work for my ex since he doesn't drive. He also doesn't have any friends who pay maintenance so again it validates him not paying.!

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