.....patronising friend and how to deal with her?!

[Icantstopeatinglol]

Ok so not really aibu but I need advice how to deal with a patronising work colleague without coming across as a bitch!
It’s took me ages to work it out cos she does everything with a smile but is quite passive aggressive and thinks she knows EVERYTHING!!! It’s really annoying me now and I feel like I just try not to speak to her but in a team of four I’m not sure how that would work long term!
It’s littke things she does like if I say something she doesn’t agree with she’ll do something like say ‘well it wouldn’t would it’....with a big grin on her face. She’s 10 years older but I’m nearly 40 ffs! I can feel the rage building when she does it! Help!!
On an emotional note my best friend lost her 38yr old husband to Lung Cancer last year and it’s been a tough time knowing how to support her etc but this work colleague has been no help. When I talked about not knowing the best way to deal with it all (just needed to talk) she kept saying when her dad died she didn’t want people bothering her and although I took her thoughts I know I would want support and me and my friend are very similar. She went on to make me feel bad about texting her just little things, like I’d just send a heart in the morning to let her know I was thinking of her. So in the end I left her a few days and my friend messaged me saying ‘miss you’ I was pissed off with myself but also pissed off with my friend for pushing how she dealt with things onto me. I just feel she thinks what she’s been through is how everyone feels! Sorry that was longer than I thought and doesn’t fully explain the situation! This person has been a good friend for years but I feel like I’m seeing her differently and she bitches about everyone behind their back so at the very least I don’t trust her!

Yeah, you need to just stop talking with her. You are colleagues not friends. If she asks you something non work related then monosyllabic replies. Don't ask for her advice or opinion.

Yea think you’re right, I’ve honestly not noticed it until recently. She talks to me like a kid sometimes and it boils my blood now I’ve picked up on it. Hoping we don’t have to work together too much longer so may be a non issue....hopefully!

Have a whole bunch of pre rehearsed lines to use when she does this. Then don’t allow it to wind you up, just say, ‘Right, yes.’ Or ‘OK, fine.’

And fgs stop asking her about other aspects of your life.

Just do the face whenever you feel the rage bubbling up. Don't speak to her about anything apart from work related subjects.

You’re totally right matilda, I’m going to stop asking or talking about anything not work related. Even work related to be honest cos she doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing half the time anyway which is why she spends most her time bitching!!
Yea muddling I do the face quite often now

And have confidence that you know what you're doing OP, and that you know you friend (who lost her DH), better than a work colleague. Lots of people offer advice, but it was only a big problem here because you assumed she knew better than you, and followed it!
If you believe you're competent and just accept advice as something you may use or not (if she keeps on about it, say something like 'Thanks for telling me your view, I'll bear it in mind') , its no longer so irritating :-).

You’re right xmas and I shouldn’t have listened to her. It hit me hard loosing a friend and seeing my best friend suffer I was so worried I was being too much in her face. I’ve anxiety and it’s got worse since last year. However you’re right, I’ve known my friend for over 20yrs. I should trust my instincts x

Why are you even telling this woman that you were texting your friend '❤️'. Sounds like you're a bit of an over sharer so maybe rein it in a smidge and keep everything work related

Because I was worried blue that I was doing the wrong thing but I think I do need to reign it in.

Nod and smile, nod and smile, don't engage