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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be reminded of school, but also to be a bit intrigued about where they are now...

48 replies

randomthoughts · 18/01/2018 22:16

Back story, I pretty much hated every second of high school, bullies, bitchiness, not fitting in, wanting to be cool but knowing I never would be, not being pretty enough to get a boyfriend... I'm sure some of you here will empathise. Luckily I did see it through, quite successfully, went on to uni and now have a fairly successful job, husband, 2 kids, nice house, work life balance, all good!

I'm FB friends with a few people from school and have a couple of friends who I do keep in touch with in real life. Recently more photos from 25 years ago have been added, with numerous people tagged. It's brought all sorts of past feelings to the surface and I'm struggling to process them. I think there's still an urge there to be one of the 'cool kids' or knowing that the cool kids didn't do as well as I did may reinforce it all came good in the end.

I think I should just delete anyone from school apart from those I have spoken to this millennium, but human nature (I.e nosiness) has so far prevented me from doing that. Are my feelings normal? WWYD?

OP posts:
theForeigner · 19/01/2018 01:19

"knowing that the cool kids didn't do as well as I did"

I think you sound quite unpleasant. Yes, you should do them a favour and delete everyone.

Tickety7 · 19/01/2018 01:30

I would delete them and move on.
Being pleased about the bullies not making it as "big" as you did is obnoxious.

Stop letting this rattle you. They have all probably forgot about the past and are moving forward.

I beg to differ that your life is now "balanced" - it sounds to me that although you have been through the typical, uni, job, husband and babies motion, you still let your school life heavily tip the scales.

It's time to pull those bit girl pants up!

Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2018 02:01

Can you really tell from FB "how well someone is doing"?

If you mean what someone earns, then, yes you can. But that doesn't equal happiness for everyone. But if you like to feel smug about someone being poorer than you, then go ahead.

Greensleeves · 19/01/2018 02:05

I don't think you sound unpleasant at all. You're not crowing, you've just shared a twinge of satisfaction that I think most of us would have felt, given that these people bullied you, alongside the other entirely natural feelings that seeing them again has dredged up.

Not the most generous thought, no, but MN can be a bit of a confessional sometimes for thoughts and impulses that we know aren't the nicest and wouldn't voice IRL.

There are a lot of perfect Pollyannas on this thread. Or people who haven't been through serious bullying.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 19/01/2018 05:04

Completely agree with you Greensleeves

heron98 · 19/01/2018 05:07

It's been 25 years. I think you need to move on. Why do you care so much about your school days? They were a lifetime ago and neither you nor your class mates are the same people any more.

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/01/2018 05:13

Oh come on. If you go through unpleasant shit during your childhood then it resonates throughout your life; that goes for school experience too. I spent 18 years thinking that I was fat, ugly and stupid (thanks Mum) and schoolmates certainly agreed on those points. I've had a lot of counselling to get past that default view of myself. So it's not just a case of 'big girl pants', actually.

I'd delete them and get on with your life op; they're like a guilty pleasure that does you no good in the long run. Ditch and move on!

NotAgainYoda · 19/01/2018 05:44

I'd delete them and find someone in RL to talk to about the bullying if you need to process further.

NotAgainYoda · 19/01/2018 05:45

The Foreigner

No, you sound unpleasant. She got bullied. What's your excuse?

aSleepyPrincess · 19/01/2018 05:47

I am with the OP on this one, if someone made your life a misery you would have to be a saint not to feel a twinge of satisfaction knowing you had made something of your life (esp compared to theirs)
Don't forget most of these bullies will
Have spent their time making the OP believe she will amount to nothing!

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 19/01/2018 05:55

These people obviously made your school life miserable with bullying, and just by looking at their FB page it's brought back some old feelings from the bullying days ...

Please realise that you are not the bullied school girl anymore, you have a husband, kids and a nice life, don't allow these people to affect your adult life too, I would advise you to delete them /block them and leave them in the past where they belong, and move on and enjoy your life with your husband and kids

redexpat · 19/01/2018 06:12

You can control it this time. If you change your security settings they wont be able to see your pics or know anything about you. But you can maybe still see theirs, unless you block them.

I dont blame you for feeling how you do. Bullying can have a lasting effect. Not everyone can forgive and forget, nor should they have to imo.

flumpybear · 19/01/2018 06:23

Give the OP a bloody break she's had years of awful school bitches and bullies, sometimes it's nice to think you perhaps have a nicer world than they do now!

FWIW OP I wasn't bullied but never really hung out with the in crowd and was quite a plain Jane too but those in crowd people are very different these days from my school and have seen them write nice messages of support to some of those kids now on FB who were bullied and out cast so u think people do mellow and change - it was also about 25 years for me since school

HotelEuphoria · 19/01/2018 06:38

I think curiosity is normal and I closed my FB years ago. Funnily enough because of ridiculous posts from people in my life now not the past.

I live in my home town so periodically bump into people from school 35 years later, I am either suitably impressed about how well they look or horrified at how they have aged. Always fill DH in later, he does gave FB and adds people from school and tells me what they are doing now.

Leave them there as long as you want, if you don't want to see them anymore unfollow.

Andrewofgg · 19/01/2018 06:41

When I saw in the press, the old-fashioned dead-tree press, that my school bully had got eight years for fraud I was over the bloody moon about it. I hope his cell mate was twice his size and loathed him.

numbereightyone · 19/01/2018 06:53

You do not unpleasant at all OP. You are human and honest enough to admit to feelings most of us share.

Original poster
randomthoughts · 19/01/2018 06:54

Thanks for all the comments, especially the supportive ones!
Unfortunately bullying was the norm in my early life, even by peers in the early stages of my career. It's made me so much more appreciative of where I am now, that I can get up in the morning and enjoy spending 10 hours away from home, working with colleagues where there is mutual respect, and being in a position where I can influence a respectful culture in my organisation. That's my biggest success.

Apologies if I came across as unpleasant/obnoxious, I'm really not! I think it just highlights how something so significant in the past can stir your feelings now and take you away from your usual personality.

Anyway I'm going to press the delete button.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomthoughts · 19/01/2018 06:55

And I hope the bully from Andrewofgg's school enjoyed his extended break!

OP posts:
numbereightyone · 19/01/2018 06:57

You don't have to apologize for anything. I am not surprised that you have had a successful life. You sound very sensible and nice.

AmberTopaz · 19/01/2018 06:59

I think these feelings are normal but I agree that pressing the delete button is probably the healthy way forward.

Candyandpop · 19/01/2018 07:01

Forget about them. The past is another country. You have made a good life yourself in the here and now, and for the future. They can't hurt you now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/01/2018 07:10

Tickety7
Being pleased about the bullies not making it as "big" as you did is obnoxious.

I suspect that you were either the bully, the henchman (person that was in the gang so that they didn't get bullied) or don't understand the impact that bullying has on people.

ButDoYouAvocado · 19/01/2018 07:11

I am 41 and my school experience often pops up to haunt me. Its not possible for me to just 'get over it'. Everyone deals with things like this differently but 10 years of emotional or physical abuse will take its toll on most people. I deleted all my old classmates etc. I dont actually care how they are doing to be honest. I thought i would but i didnt.

howthelightgetsin · 19/01/2018 07:12

I can empathise 100% OP. I had a similar experience at school and for all the money in the world you couldn’t pay me to go back in time. My life now is very nice but of course it’s impossible to forget completely because they were very long and important years and very, very unhappy.
In my experience anyway, the bullies did go on to have worse lives. And I don’t feel bad about the fact that that makes me a bit happy.

JustDanceAddict · 19/01/2018 07:14

I had similar school experience. I have a few old school mates/people in FB but no-one who was actively mean to me as I just wouldn’t add them. I’m sure some of the more unpleasant people have done well and some haven’t - that’s life! If it affects you that much, then delete them. You don’t need that negativity now.