Help! How do I tell 5yo and 2yo that me and DH are separating

[Meetmeonamonday]

I have a couple of support thread running at the moment but need specific help here. I have been fobbing them off since Monday saying he's at work or a friends etc but the need to know now. Maybe tomorrow but before or after school? My older DD will ask where he is again when she wakes up as she has been every morning so maybe then, equally I don't want to upsetbher before school. Then after school I'm only with them 1/2 hour before I leave for work so if they are upset I'm then leaving the house. I could wait till Saturday?

And also how do I tell them, what do I say to a 5 yo and 2 yo ? Please help

Well where is he? Will he be living near by, still a part of their lives? Because I would tell them what is actually going to be happening, the five year old will want to hear the facts and how it will affect them.

I would probably say something about how mum and dad were making each other cross and have decided to live in two houses so they can be better friends. And you will see Dad tomorrow and now let’s have a cuddle and some dinner. Questions will come as and when, I think you have to be upbeat about it though you may not be feeling this inside.

Hopefully someone will give some better advice soon.

At 5 and 2 I don't see this as big issue to them tbh. Obviously it is to you but young children won't understand much at all. Don't make it into a drama or a crisis or something awful. Simply tell them that Daddy will be living somewhere else but they will see him loads and he loves them forever.

the questions will come over time, slowly. Just tell them the truth whenever they ask and do it calmly and gently.

you need the penelope leach book about seperation xxx it deals with everything xxx

Thanks, will try and make it a small deal, not going to over dramatise anything at all

I do think a 5 year old will care very much..odd advice to say it wont matter to them.

I think its really important you are honest with them very quickly and be very clear about the facts. The 5 year old needs to know that daddy hasnt left her for example. You need to make sure rhe children dont feel abandoned by their dad. Are they not going to see him soon?

Keep it factual and as light as you can. At that age, the world revolves around them, so keep it as much as you can from their perspective.

As for when, I recommend you do it when you're around. So not immediately before they leave for school or you leave for work. Do it when you're going to be around for a good chunk of time so that they can be reassured they're not being abandoned.

Good luck.

Leave it until Saturday and then you and their dad should tell them together. Keep along the lines another poster suggested about making each other cross.

I'd tell them together wih your ex. Would help hugely if you and ex discuss pattern of co-parenting so kids knownwhats happening and where they are going to be. I'd also have quiet chat with dd teacher as she may need extra support at school

Mine were a similar age. I kept it simple: we don’t want to be married and live together anymore but we’re still friends. And we still both love you, and you’ll see daddy every Saturday.

I literally did this last year so am happy to share in case you like the sound of what we did. At the time they were 5 and 1.

We talked to them together and said we needed to tell them that daddy won’t be living with us anymore. We were honest and said we were both sad about it but we had been arguing with each other and think it’s best to live apart. Daddy loves them both very much and will still see them twice every week. Daddy is going to a new house and he will visit them at their home to put them to bed and take them to the park as normal.

And we stuck to that. So on a practical level things were the same. We waited six months before the kids visited his new flat bad again, I took them so we were all there. Just had a snack and drink then went and did something. About a month after that he took them there on his own for the first time.

It’s all been done really gradually and fwiw I think it’s fine as ‘well’ as it could have. I really rexommend the Penelope Leach book too. She really outlines how to keep the children’s interests first and foremost.

Please tell them sooner rather than later, one of DD's classmates found out about her parents separation from a school friend and she was absolutely devastated. She was 8. It took a very long time for her to get over it. Egginacups wording is perfect.

Waterrat I did not say it wouldn't matter to them. I said it wouldn't be a big issue now, and that the questions would come over time. Children of that age are entirely self-centred so they just want to know what's going to happen them now and that their parents love them. A 2 year old doesn't understand the concept of divorce.

When will he see them and where will he be living?

You could just say, from now on daddy is going to live xxxx and you'll see him on xxxx

The 5 year old might ask why. I'd just say that sometimes mummy's and daddy's don't want to live together anymore but that both of you still love them very much even if daddy doesn't live here.

I'm sorry op

You both need to tell them together.

I think you’ll be surprised. I slung my ex husband out when my DC were same ages as yours. They are surprisingly adaptable when they are so young.
The problems arise with flaky contact or parental conflict that often accompany break ups, not the divorce itself. If your ex will be consistent and involved and you both manage to keep drama away from them, they will be fine.

Thanks ladies your advice is so helpful, I am going to try and get him to talk to them with me tomorrow