to expect more than 5 minutes to get myself ready?

[em28677]

Ever since ds was born I seem to get 5 mins in the bathroom every morning to get myself up and dressed while dh still gets to laze around in the bath for 45 mins and take in a book!!! Its not so much the lack of time that bothers me its the fact that the whole time I am getting ready all I can here is him saying to our ds its alright mate she will be back in a minute. Even though he is happily playing. Usually my time is up after 5 mins 10 if I am lucky as he carries ds up the stairs saying have you had a pooh or pooh you stink and then puts him on changing table and repeats over and over I know mate but I am not as quick or as good as it as your mum. The few times I do get a decent length of time I usually come downstairs and ds stinks to high heaven cos dh didnt notice he needed changing!!!

Boot up the backside needed

You need to sort your dh out! Sounds like he is trying to train ds to be a 'mummy do it' child ie only wanting you to help him, not dh.

You need to be specific I think...

Like say "I am going upstairs to get ready, I will be 30 minutes, please change ds's nappy and get him dressed before I come down."

Then (the important bit) don't pass comment on what he has done and how he has done it unless it's actually dangerous. Don't thank, don't critisize, because either of these makes it automatically 'your job' to deal with the baby, either because you are greatful when he does (so he feels he is 'helping' rather than parenting) or because you critisize when he does (so he feels it's not worth the effort)

Sounds like a chat is needed here, although I can't talk, when dp has a shower he locks the door so dd can't get in, when I have one they both come in and sit on the floor playing the whole time i'm in there. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a shower on my own, dps excuse? "but she's having so much fun, look she loves it when your in the shower"

Very good advice Colditz.

Think thats the prob cos i am a childminder I am used to having to do it all so is a real treat if it is done for me so automatically say thanks! Will stop from now on have tried your other suggestion of will be 30 mins but never works unless I am up there doing jobs like putting away laundry at same time!

how does it not work? Are you not worth as much as your house>? Do you not deserve to devote the same amount of time to your appearance as he does to his? Is he saying that you are somehow worth less than him?

he is certainly treating you like you are worth less than him, by not allowing you the time to get ready that he has already had.

When you put it plainly, very few men will choose to continue to treat you like a second class person - not because they are wonderful, but because they realise it has been noticed and they have been caught.

If he brings your ds up to 'see you' (ie has had enough of him) say "Ah, that's lovely. Take him back down now though, I haven't finished what I'm doing"

because that's a low trick, designed to use your baby to make you feel guilty.

If he says "But he wants you!" the answer is "Then he obviously needs to spend more time with you, to get used to it!"

thank you moondog

Want to back up what colditz said. Spell it out for him, be specific about what you want...and that point about not being too grateful for him doing some basic childcare is SO important. He's not doing you a favour, he is simply fulfilling a very basic parenting role for HIS child!

Why do people marry these sexist men? Weird. Yes do as c says otherwise you are kind of allowing his behaviour.

Xenia - because there aren't enough of the other sort to go round. You have to be prepared to do some re-educating. With any luck, men in generations to come will have been better brought up by BOTH parents not to treat women in such a servile fashion.

Was pondering about your rejection of men at the school gates on grounds of paunch. Again, I would say that's a remediable failure - you can re-educate a man into being healthy and taking better care of himself if the rest of him is nice.

Anna, have you ever tried re educating a paunchy man? Very difficult. In most cases it's not that the don't know what's healthy, it's that they like their kebabs and beer!

I think it's very hard to change anyone which is why the selection process is so important. Lok at their background, ask questions, does their mother wait on them hand and foot, are boys not girls supreme in the family, etc etc. People marry people hoping to change them particularly alcoholics etc and it's usually a recipe for disaster. A man who has lived on his own and managed his house and washing tidily is best (my ex husband despite other faults was faultness in terms of his feminism and domestic skills and fairness). In general younger men can be better too although many my age are fine and even someone older I was seeing was as feminist and fair as anyone I've known so I suppose it's not just age.

The paunch thing is just so difficult. Obesity is so widespread in middle aged men (and women too for that matter) and I just find it physically disgusting and not sexy and also means they'll die young too and leave me a widow.

I've seen LOTS of second wives work wonders with their husbands' appearance

Can see where Xenia is coming from on this one.I would never in a milllion years consider having kids with a man who had not already shown that he could share all home linked responsibilities. Before our dd my dp ran the house because he worked from home and I was frequently away on business. When I eventually agreed to have a child it was on the strict understanding that he would be a very hands on dad.He was desperate to be a dad whereas I would happliy have remained childless so maybe I have a trump card there. But I do sometimes wonder whether some men haven't had the guts to be strictly honest with their partners as to when and how many children and that is perhaps why they justify to themselves their desultory performance as fathers ???

But surely when you fell in love with your partner you didn't have a list of skills that you wanted him to have? Or were you ticking off boxes ie:

• knows how to use washing machine
• great at ironing
• brilliant with a duster
• fantastic nappy changer

etc etc etc???????

I think you do though, Anna. First you kind of home in on someone who might be suitable - so if you have an IQ of 100 you might want someone similar or if sport is your main hobby and really you expect to spend 30 years playing it with a husband you're likely to pick a sporting person. Most of us do some kind of matching like that although we might like to con ourselves into thinking we randomly fall in love.

The men who amusingly lose 2 stone in their 40s (sure sign to the wife they are seeing another woman) soon put it back on when they end up as dreadful with their second wife as they were with their second once the excitement of the new relationship wears off. The weight loss is a temporary blip. The more I see of my children the more I think they are born, not made and none of us really alter that much over a life.

I think it is totally reasonable to expect more than 5 mins to sort yourself, but wow, do you get 5 minutes!! DH works away a lot, so I don't have 5 minutes even! Mind you, I do take my time when he is here

I reckon for you it will just have to be a case of locking the bathroom door, investing in some earplugs and letting DP get on with it. Make sure he knows you can't hear him making the comment to your son and hopefully eventually he'll accept you need some time yourself.

In time you will become a pro in the art of zoning out. Tis a great thing to master.

Anna888 not necessarily. Rather a lot of people start out looking for things like, nice arse, can breathe through his ears, plays in band, doesn't spend his weekends talking about orcs or whatever. Because not only does not everyone want to marry and breed, but quite a lot of people thing they do't want to marry and breed right now, therefore end up drifiting into monogamy, housesharing and then parenthood because, well, that's what you do, innit.
(speaking, I hasten to add as someone who observes this sort of stuff a lot but doesn't do couplehood).

Hmmm, true about the nice arse ... My experience is that boyfriend (with nice one) does not get upgraded into husband material until he shows domesticity. Dh was then living by himself in a clean flat with fresh flowers and a big kitchen . He is a great father who pulls his own weight and more. Having said that, he still gets 30 mins in the bath and I 10! But then, I need to do as Colditz says.