I think something's wrong ...

[NomsQualityStreets]

Sorry posting here for traffic.
I think I've been pushing my DP away.
He told me yesterday he worries he can't make me happy and I never seem happy.

Few points as a bit of a backstory that might help:

DP and my parents have fallen out, mostly due to my parents behaviour but he did some things too. He has decided to go completely NC with them (I still see them with DCs) I completely understand his reasons to do so. I support him and I'm doing my best for us to be a tight knit family unit.
However I won't lie that it has hurt me deeply, I know what my parents are and I have learnt to manage my contact with them but they do also have good points and would do anything for me, DCs and even DP.

We are struggling as we have a tiny house and can't move for a few years, and it's getting overwhelmed with stuff and we will struggle to fit our DCs and us in it once the baby is a bit bigger, I get bouts of feeling almost claustrophobic in it. I'm constantly tidying and it's constantly getting messed up. It doesn't help I spend most of my days here with a little baby and a toddler.

We were supposed to be getting married and both want a big wedding but I really can't imagine it with the family situation being like this

Also we have recently had a baby and I have had a complete lack of sex drive for the last 2-3months which is the longest we have ever gone. I'm still not feeling it even though physically I feel absolutely fine.
It's really strange as I've found myself quite emotionless recently, even before the baby was born, I'm not excited about anything in particular, I'm not happy but not unhappy either, I'm happy for DP who's recently achieved some big things at work and I have told him this but inside I don't actually feel enthusiastic about anything.
I will smile but it doesn't reach my eyes and I can feel it and I think DP has seen it.
I'm not moping around miserable but I'm just quietly getting on with things and not really showing much emotion about anything.

I still find DP attractive and I love him and I love our family but most of the time I feel like there's something stopping me expressing any of that.

DP is away ATM and has text me yesterday asking if I'm happy as I never seem happy, he wonders if he can ever make me happy and saying I have no hobbies (true but ATM the EBF baby makes it all a bit restricted anyway) and that we have little communication - that's also true as I seem to clam up when we talk and I notice myself doing this but I can't break through that barrier and I don't know why

What's wrong with me?

@Hidingalion I'm just a bit in between. I make sure my parents get to see their DGCs, we usually make time at some point on a weekday. They don't babysit. What I'm struggling with is things to do with DCs that all the family should come together for such as birthdays or school plays etc as my DP refuses to even be civil enough to say "hi" and make the bare minimum of conversation in order to just communicate at events like that. He prefers to just point blank ignore them and not engage which I'm worried will make all those events awkward for everyone involved and overshadow the point that everyone's there for DCs.

I do understand where he is coming from and his view of things but I'm also not as stubborn as him and really struggle to see how saying "hi" and "bye" for the sake of the situation rather than ignoring people is an impossible demand for him. I'm not asking him to attend Christmas or any celebrations to do with my parents (birthdays, anniversaries etc) but just to not pretend they don't exist when we all come together for the DCs.
But maybe I'm in the wrong here.

You may find your midwife/GP is aware, but they can't do anything until you ask. I got badgered by a friend into going to GP - GP's comment was that he had seen me changing over the last couple of years. And he immediately signed me off work.

Up and down during the day is normal for depression. As is being able to enjoy yourself.

I have to look out for particular signs that I'm sinking into depression again. It's not till I've started to come up again that I recognise how down I've been.

Your comment "I definitely don't think it'd be better off dead and/or hurting myself as I have DC to look after" worries me a bit - are you living for just for your DC or are you living for yourself?

Having depression doesnt mean you never laugh (thats one of those "depression vs being very sad" differences), in fact I cling to friends when things get bad for me because its only when Im around people that I can push the nothing away for a bit. Also, "I wouldnt be better dead because my kids need me" really isnt a clear "erm, of course I dont think that!".

Im not saying you definitely are of course because I dont know, but I am saying that nothing youve said so far is making me think you definitely arent.

Ok I said the DCs thing because they are currently my priority, I'm a SAHM so my day to day is all about them. That was my first thought when I read the question but just to clarify, I don't think I'm better off not being around DCs or not.

I'm hoping maybe me and DP can speak but he's back late tonight and going away for a week tomorrow so it really wasn't the ideal time to be bringing it up like he did yesterday as everything just feels a bit in the air.

OP just take some time to think things through. I couldn't be with someone that wouldn't even speak to my parents,unless my parents were so vile I'd stopped talking to them myself. I just couldn't cope with it, we see my parents (and his parents) 3 or more times per week so it would be too hard to deal with. I think you definitely need some help sorting through these feelings, good luck OP x

I think you almost certainly are depressed. Depression isn’t wanting to kill yourself or thinking you’re better off dead. It is still possible to find moments of happiness while depressed.

Feeling slightly ‘dead inside’ is classic depression.

Your GP can refer you for free counselling through your local IAPT. You only need to ask...

"Thank you for the replies it's definitely not PND as I've felt like this before DS2 was born." I KNEW you were gonna say that. Pregnancy related depression can start during pregnancy too.

Being depressed also doesn't mean you NEVER laugh/smile/feel moments of joy, it's the overall picture that's telling.

You're over focusing on ONE question in an online tool that is just a guide to possible depression. Ultimately a hcp is best placed to assess you. Not an algorithm.

PLEASE tell your GP/hv and accept the help offered. I speak as someone who's lived with depression on and off for 12 years.

My lovely perinatal psychiatrist said the key diagnostic question for depression is ‘Are you able to enjoy things’. A no to that (even just generally, doesn’t have to be never) spells depression, postnatal or otherwise.
TBH the whole situation (really stressful but never mentioned because not going to change) sounds like a recipe for depression. Something’s got to give and it sounds like it’s your health that is giving way.

You need to speak to your HV tomorrow. You DO sound depressed.

I think I'm going to have to have a good think about things aren't I.

Just FYI in case anyone is thinking DP doesn't listen and is ignoring it. me and DP have talked the family situation through many a time to the point we've worn it to the ground as we always come to the same conclusion.
He said that's just how things are and will be as he cant see any reconciliation in the future or ever and we just have to deal with it and focus on our little family unit. I can't expect him to change his morals because of me because that wouldn't be who he is right?
And it's not like I don't understand his point of view and reasons for being NC I just think he's taken it a little too far with the "ignoring at all times" thing but at the end of the day it's his feelings and I might be completely BU to expect him to be civil.

@MrTrebus Her parents really are that vile and OP really should stop speaking to them.

OP, it's no wonder you're feeling so bad. You're in a truly horrible situation and between your DP's (mostly justified, but not all) behaviour and your parents' ongoing vileness, you're getting nothing but trouble from all angles. As ever on your threads, I strongly recommend some counselling for you to help you see the wood for the trees and set some appropriate boundaries - I really think it would change your life.

I remember the threads re your parents and sorry but I agree with your dp and you need to understand that Nc means just that NO contact.

I think your dp sounds genuinely concerned for you, he's noticed your not "happy" and we see so many threads where dps not only don't notice but won't accept even after a diagnosis! Whereas I think you've a good'un there generally speaking. Nobody's perfect but overall.

Trouble is that you just keep going around in circles with this, OP. You expect your DH to change his mind and it's not going to happen (with good reason, IMO).

Speak to a third party if it helps but stop raising the issue with your DH.

I also remember your previous threads and to be honest, I still think your DH's behaviour is justified and that it's you who hasn't come to terms with the magnitude of what your parents have done. Then, as now, you sound like you are in some deep state of denial, wanting a family where terribly dysfunctional things have happened to play at being happy for special occasions. I do think counselling would help you to come to terms with the fact that you are honestly never likely to get this, and with reason.

You sound like you have an ideal view of how your life ought to be, which doesn't take any account of the things that have actually happened or the way that things really are. It's a bit like a child, who just wants a fantasy and who can't accept reality. I don't mean that you are immature in saying that, I mean that you seem to have a deep-seated attachment to a life that isn't real and I don't think you will feel happy until you are more reconciled with reality.