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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You don't care about me mum

27 replies

ConfusedMumHere · 16/01/2018 19:46

Not really AIBU.. but Posting for traffic!

My DS (just turned 6) has had the odd melt down in recent months (and one tonight), where he comes out with all this stuff along the lines 'you don't listen to me', 'you don't care about me', 'you don't love me as much as my brother', 'your mean to me', 'you don't understand my life'.

Now firstly - none of this could be further from the truth! DS is amazing! I love him to the moon and back and more! He (and my husband and other DS) mean the world to me and I love both my DS with equal measure

Secondly - I'm really not mean! I'm quite a nice mummy! DS is very lucky really as my hubby and I have a good relationship, DS gets all he needs (but hopefully not spoilt), and he goes to a lovely school and is well looked after by me, hubby and teachers!

Now thirdly- I thought all this stuff was meant to come out when DCs are in their teens(? Right?) not age 6 (just!) ?? I remember similar feelings and saying similar things to my mother (although based on facts! And true!) when I was 14, not 6?

What am I doing wrong??? I am really really really trying to b the best mum I can be, but it's not feeling like it's working!!

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 16/01/2018 19:48

More than likely he’s trying to push your buttons. I’d leave him calm down and ask him tomorrow why he thinks x,y,z and if he says I don’t know, I don’t etc, I reckon you can rest assured that it was an anger response, sane way that if you can look back completely objectively you can probably see most of your 14yo responses were, unless your mum was truly neglectful

Original poster
ConfusedMumHere · 16/01/2018 19:48

anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedMumHere · 16/01/2018 19:50

Thanks kitKat (my mum actually was quite neglectful! But that's another story! But maybe that's why this confuses and upsets me more! as I genuinely would do anything for DS! I love him so much!)

OP posts:
paxillin · 16/01/2018 19:52

I agree, he is pushing your buttons. It worked, too.

And at 6 you said no to the ice lolly= you don't care about me.

Just as Sam from my class has an ipod= EVERYONE has an ipod and Ava says her bedtime is 10pm= I am the only one with an 8pm bedtime.

Both of these naturally mean you don't care about me and you don't understand. Least said soonest mended. But you are allowed to laugh (secretly) about the little drama queen.

Dahlietta · 16/01/2018 19:54

I can't necessarily help, but my DS1 comes out with this stuff too, though generally in a sulky rather than very upset way. We get a lot of 'you don't care about me', particularly if we don't/can't leap to our feet as soon as he wants us to come and look at something. I think he knows I think the sun shines out of his backside and that actually suggesting that he thinks I don't love him is the best way to get at me and manipulate me into doing something, precisely because he knows it's not true and will make me feel bad! He also has a baby brother, whom he adores, but I wonder whether it's partly a reaction to not being the only one who needs our attention. How old is your DS's sibling?

crunchymint · 16/01/2018 19:55

Do you spend 1-1 time with him? Do you favour your other DC?Maybe he is pushing your buttons, but maybe he is telling you the truth as he sees it.

Chairmancow · 16/01/2018 19:55

I get similar from my six year old DS, although normally after I’ve shouted at him for some misdemeanour. I suspect you are a less mean Mum than me! I think it’s just to hit us where it hurts to be honest.

Original poster
ConfusedMumHere · 16/01/2018 20:02

DS2 is nearly 4 - about a 2.5 yr age gap. I definitely don't favour DS2! And if anything, I think it is DS2 that gets less attention etc.. as he is generally quieter (DS1 is a real chatterbox!) and is not as interested in as many things as DS1, so tends to have to trail around wherever DS1 is having to go (swimming, football, gymnastics, drama etc...) poor muppet (although we do offer him to do his own activities, but he is pretty laid back and doesn't really want to). I don't know, maybe I'm overcompensating and unconsciously paying more attention to DS2 because I'm worried he gets less! who knows!

OP posts:
Rebeccaslicker · 16/01/2018 20:04

No constructive advice as not been there yet, but just to say that my friend has a lovely 6 year boy, who will suddenly tell her she's the worst mummy in the world and that he hates her. I think it's just a phase of testing boundaries - all you can do is keep your cool as best you can!

Rebeccaslicker · 16/01/2018 20:05

6 year old, not Year 6

Original poster
ConfusedMumHere · 16/01/2018 20:05

thanks everyone! You are making me feel better :)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2018 20:08

My son says this. His birth my. was neglectful and we adopted him.

I think it is pretty normal.

I would not try overtly to y'all logic to him when he is on a mood. When things calm down. I'd point out good things in his life. Things he gets/has/uses/privileges of being older or younger etc.

It's lucky you are mum's big boy you get to stay up later than little ds Lucy you son't have to tidy your room by yourself like big brother etc.

Talk to him about the good bits, it's good you get to choose dinner or dessert sometimes etc.

Don't doubt yourself. You know you are doing a good job.

Just make sure he feels special and let him know in words how much he means to you. There is a book called The 5 love languages for children. Some kids need telling, some showing, maybe we all need a bit of everything!

Maybe find out what is needed especially for your little boy.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2018 20:08
Smile
Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2018 20:09

Birth mum was neglectful.

Greylilypad · 16/01/2018 20:09

My 6 year old DD said something exactly the same to me this evening, she was very put out that I didn't let her sit in the third row of her car without a car seat beside her friend. A couple of hours later it came out that she'd had a rough day in school with some other kids being mean to her.
I usually find it's either a) trying to wind you up because you haven't jumped to their every whim or
b) a reaction to something else that's happened to upset them and taken out on mum

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2018 20:10

No idea why the word 'Lucy' is in there!

purplehaze24 · 16/01/2018 20:20

My 4 yr old tells me that I'm a rubbish mummy and he wants a new one (daily) I see his point as that pack of 4 donuts really is an acceptable dinner ;-). My eldest was leaving home at 8 over TV time so I think it could be a response to rules that they don't like or unrelated troubles. He knows that you and dad are his stable consistent in life so he can vent with you.

Oblomov18 · 16/01/2018 20:29

Ds1, (now older) used to say and still does say these kind of things to me. I assume he's trying to press my buttons.

crunchymint · 16/01/2018 20:32

Children say they hate their parents that is normal. Or that they wish they had another mum when they are unhappy they can't eat chocolate for breakfast, etc.
But sometimes kids are not treated fairly.

smurfy2015 · 16/01/2018 20:43

From my own personal experience, my dad died when i was 7 leaving my mum with me and my older brother who was almost 15, over the next 2 years i turned into the child from hell, i also had an undiagnosed condition which needed an operation to sort out so that didnt help it caused daily problems.

i would scream and yell, my mum didnt love me because i was adopted, (im not)... but that my go to throw comment which came at the start of a meltdown - she always said if i was she could send me back......

I didnt know the full extent of what she went thru to have me and the reasons why im the youngest, i nearly killed both of us. I miss her

ObscuredbyFog · 16/01/2018 20:48

When is he saying those things? If it's immediately after he's been refused something or has been chastised for bad behaviour etc. that's common backchat.

But if it's coming out after he's worked himself up into such a state of upset and you don't know why, I'd wait until he was calm that day and then ask him what he's trying to tell me when he says I don't listen. Why does he think you don't care about him and ask him to tell you about his life, especially the parts he doesn't think you understand.

LokiBear · 16/01/2018 20:58

My 6 year old dd does this. I told her off the other day and she started to argue back. I told her that I wasn't going to argue with her and she said 'you aren't allowing me to talk because you don't understand what I mean!' She has also conplained to her teddy bear that I am being unreasonable when I tell her off for being rude/silly/disruptive that she is just being a 'normal kid and normal kids can do what they want!' I think it is quite normal. They are learning to assert themselves.

KimmySchmidt1 · 16/01/2018 21:02

Most people don’t deliberately treat their children differently but it doesn’t stop the child feeling a bit like they are less loved. It is a natural feeling and part of being a sibling. Just give him lots of reassurance and make special efforts to think about treating him equally. My dad loved both of us equally but would accidentally cause problems by bringing one home a present and not the other - it took my mum with an emotional IQ to call it all out and get him to think about his behaviour.

So remember none of your feelings about him amount to a bean unless you express them. Did you tell him what you have told us? If not, why the heck are you telling a bunch of strangers but not your own son?! It can be hard to respond to criticism with love and reassurance but that’s how to parent well.

Rewn7 · 16/01/2018 21:23

My friends DD has muttered the words “you don’t like me do you” to her mum during every telling off since she was little ... it’s her weapon of choice. I wouldn’t worry about it to be honest. If you know it’s not true then it’s just him lashing out trying to get a reaction.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 16/01/2018 21:26

I get told "you don't love me anymore" by my 4yo. The first time she said it I was distraught so went OTT with cuddles and reassurance and I was convinced I'd failed her somehow. Now she says it aaaallll the time for attention when all she really needs to say is "can I have a hug?".