How do you handle it when your DC don’t get on with your friend’s DC?

[Whatisthewhatisthewhat]

Something I’ve been wondering lately. Have a friend, not one of my closest but who I like a lot, who has moved near me and who has a DS the same age as mine (4). We started hanging out together a lot when she first moved but I have a problem now as my DS has taken against her DS and has started saying he doesn’t want him to come over. I’ve tried to talk him around but secretly I think he has a point. Friend’s DS is pretty charmless. I feel really mean describing a 4yr old so but there it is. He doesn’t smile, say please/thank you etc, pushes my DS around and breaks his toys. He does things that just seem vindictive, like wait for him to finish building something out of lego and then smash it into pieces. He will also hit DS if I’m not looking.
I’ve tried to get around this by seeing friend in the evening for drinks etc instead but she hasn’t picked up on what her DS is like when he is around here and invites herself and him over all the time. The other day they just turned up on the doorstep! I found myself sneaking upstairs to hide DS’s Christmas present so it didn’t get broken.
I obviously want to encourage DS to get on with everyone but it doesn’t seem fair to make him spend time with someone who is unkind towards him.
I know the answer is probably to explain situation to my friend but I just feel like she would be massively offended.
Anyone dealt with anything similar?

I don't know what the answer is, but I feel your pain

I have a friend like this. Her ds is 9, mine 7. He is always trying to get my ds in trouble, pretending that he's hit him or whatever (last time there were 3 other children there who saw what had happened and who all stuck up for my ds so I know it's not just me assuming that my ds can do no wrong).

I try to stick to child-free get togethers where possible. It might get easier when they start school - assuming they won't be at the same school?

Obviously we won’t know for sure until April but they will most likely be going to the same school

Arrange to see your friend without the DC ("so we can talk properly").
Or meet in a park where there is more space and the not getting on is more diluted.

Stick to seeing her of an evening.
When you do get together you will have to plan activities rather than just let them play. Such as play doh at the table with you sitting next to them.
Hopefully when they start school they’ll find other friends.

Can you see each other without the children?

I still socialise with friends now that I made when ds1 was 2.5, and our children have zero in common, or have much to do with each other now at 13, despite going to the same one form intake junior school, and now secondary school.

It can be a bit awkward at parties when we try to put a bunch of uninterested teenagers in a room together so the adults can socialise, but they do end up charging fairly civilly.

When they were the age of your ds, and it became obvious they didn’t really want to hang out together, we either made a joke about it and took them to the park so they could do their own thing there, or got together without kids. It was s bigger group (4 mum’s and 4 ds the same age, with various younger siblings) so it was easier to dilute the boys and distract them from who they weren’t particularly getting in with at that point.

why is your child being put in second place to your friend?

I also feel your pain! Dd has a frenemy who we’ve been having play dates with, but the little boy is downright mean to dd at times. We always end up hosting as well, so it’s always dd’s toys being snatched off her along with pushing and shouting in her face. I know they’re only little, but we manage loads of other play dates and this is the only personality clash. I’m nipping ours in the bud actually. I thought about it a while ago and thought it qe should persevere, but actually think personality clashes sometimes happen with children too and this is just one of those cases.

The only difference is that, although the mum is perfectly nice, we aren’t best mates or anything and possibly are quite different people, so it’s not a huge loss if we don’t see each other.

I think if it was a really good friend I’d just see her away from dcs.

Can you just say let's meet up without kids because you've noticed they dont get along and neither of them enjoy it? Truthful but without finger pointing.

I would meet up without the kids, just say you prefer it as it's much easier and you can catch up more.

I’ve tried meeting up without the kids and we’ve done stuff in the evenings together but friend is notoriously shit at reading social cues, hence why she is still inviting herself over and turning up on the doorstep when it has been more than 3 months since I last invited them or suggested a play date. Tbh, I’m probably feeling annoyed with her too now I think about it. She sends texts like, “can’t be arsed to cook tea, we’re coming to yours haha”

I think it's perfectly fine to say that you'd prefer her not to come over unless you've made a plan. When she sends a text like that, reply, 'No, I'm sorry, that won't work for us tonight.' When she turns up on the doorstep, "Oh, you should have called, we're just about to head out/just in the middle of something.'

You have various options:

• See her without the kids present (or send your DS off for a playdate elsewhere when she visits if she finds it hard to get childcare for her own)
• Meet her in an environment where your DS is less likely to be bullied by hers, e.g. a playgroup where you can have a coffee while the kids play under supervision with lots of other kids present too
• Accept that you will need to supervise kids quite closely in your house and intervene frequently. Be polite but firm with the little boy, rather than waiting for your friend to tell her child off as she clearly isn't going to. You can use the "In our house we do X" line on him (in our house we apologise for hitting, say please or thank you, etc). Or tell him that if he keeps knocking down DS's lego towers or whatever then DS won't want to play with him any more (and follow through on this by sending DS up to his room to play with his own toys by himself, and give friend's DS a book to read in the sitting room with you).
• Talk to your friend about it. Explain that your DS is upset by hers pushing him around and ask what you can do together to encourage a happier relationship between the two of them (if anything). If your friend isn't too touchy and is just a bit crap at social cues then this might work.

I think you need stand up for yourself and your DS.

It is perfectly polite to say 'hello little Freddy I'm afraid Jonny doesn't feel in the mood for playing with friends right now, he has something else planned'.

Do not tell your friend what is wrong with her DC. Believe me your DC will have plenty of moments themselves over the years. So it will all even out.

Imagine my pain - I have this with DS's cousins. They totally ignore him, but play with his toys without asking, move them around and hide bits. They've even been known to try to pinch some of them! Very occasionally, they get a nice game going and play together, but mostly it's like this. DS and I conspire to hide his most precious toys in advance of their visits....