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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to absolutely shake my 11 year old

74 replies

notamummyname · 16/01/2018 16:56

She's turned into a monster overnight. Everything I say is met with sighs, rolling the eyes. She's horrible about everyone, the minute she gets into the car it's just none stop negativity, impatience with her classmates, issues with her friends. I can't ask her to do anything, even come down to dinner, without a big huffy sigh and "ohKAY" in a nasty voice. I finally had enough today and have removed tablet and TV privileges after she slammed a door in my face. She will not get them back until she can speak to me and DH with respect and not with the disgusting attitude.

I am not a shouty mum and I have never laid a finger on her, but today I would have dearly loved to have given her a good shake and it was all I could do to keep my cool

Where has my lovely girl gone? Surely this can't be the teenage years already?

OP posts:

mumontherun14 · 16/01/2018 17:25

Hi OP I am so glad you write this post today - you are so not alone! Ii have just had a fight with DD (nearly 11) as she is really wanting a fancy reusable coffee cup that costs £10 and she saw in a shop yesterday and can't understand why she can't get it right now. I have explained that yesterday while we were in the shop she got accessories for her pets that she was wanting and I spent a good bit on that which was equivalent to her weekly pocket money. It's the entitled attitude that gets me. I had told her to wait till Thurs till she next gets pocket money and that was met with much eye rolling, huffing and stamping up the stairs that everything was so unfair and I was so unfair!. I was raging under my breath but kept calm and was telling myself that I am in the right and I need to stand my ground. Then she came down for dinner 20 mins later all sweetness and light as if it had never happened.....I also have a DS nearly 14 and didn't have the diva like behaviour from him.....I am blaming the pre-teen hormones....

Thesmallthings · 16/01/2018 17:27

If only had to do it once so far so good.
I habe reminds my eldest when he is a grumpy mood that if he slams his door it'll come off he'll ethier stomp off to his room or it'll weirdly make him laugh and calm his mood. Depends how grumpy and why he's grumpy.

troodiedoo · 16/01/2018 17:28

Welcome to pre teen hell. Brace yourself and pick your battles wisely.

It's horrendous because you are cruising along nicely and think you've got a few years before the hormones kick in. Nope!

Good luck

brizzledrizzle · 16/01/2018 17:30

Give it a couple of years and it'll calm down in my experience. We had two difficult (mildly so) with my 'teen' from 12-13 and since then she's been mostly lovely.

wrenika · 16/01/2018 17:31

My dad removed my door privilege when I slammed it too often. I stopped slamming it after that! It's a short term punishment and they can get privacy to dress in the bathroom. It certainly worked for me.

I was a stroppy madam when I was a teenager. I was also a goody two shoes...which was a weird combo...I had my door removed, but other than that, I just got sent to my room for a few hours or a wooden spoon across the backside if I got mouthy near someone who was cooking!

Topseyt · 16/01/2018 17:32

Oh blimey, we've all been there at some point. The years of early adolescence are the worst.

My youngest is now 15, and pretty human again now. It does get better.

I certainly wouldn't remove doors. I actually like mine being able to shut themselves and their bombsites chaotic bedrooms away from me. Or is it me being able to shut it all away when I want to??? I can't decide that one. The door had more uses than disadvantages though. Out of sight, out of mind saved my sanity more than once.

topcat2014 · 16/01/2018 17:32

OP - I think you could be my DW :)

No special answers though...

Wolfcub · 16/01/2018 17:32

Joy vacuum, I could have written those exact words about my 11 year old god it’s exhausting

gunsandbanjos · 16/01/2018 17:32

You could be describing my 14yr old.

She’s better now than she was at 12/13 though.

My husband uses a nice technique though where he asks her to say 5 positive things about whatever she happens to be whining about.

It’s very wearing though I hate it.

Yvest · 16/01/2018 17:34

Mine is currently going through an extremely rude phase which we are dealing with by picking her up on it every single time. I said to her “it’s not what you say, which is most valid and relevant but it’s how you say it”. She’s also extremely entitled and wants everything immediately and now. It will pass, well I hope so as she can also be divine

Basseting · 16/01/2018 17:34

Just getting a bit of this with my 10.5 yr old dd too.

I keep thinking of the raging hormones that must be swirling around her tomboyish self. It helps...

Original poster

notamummyname · 16/01/2018 17:35

She might be a bit hungry actually, but that's another thing. I'll have a bowl of fruit salad, yoghurts, cheese and crackers sitting in the fridge and she'll moan there's nothing she wants, she wants crisps. We rarely buy crisps and she knows it, and she has always eaten well/healthily.

Doesn't watch YouTube, but does love those Disney/Nickelodeon sitcoms where the girls squeal and flick their hair. I'm dubious about them.

Yy to being entitled - she's not entitled in a general way, she cares a lot about the environment, has stood up to children in her school who called her friend racist names, has participated in charity work through one of her activities - is a very caring girl usually, but I'm definitely seeing a certain level of personal entitlement springing up over clothes/general stuff and I've no idea where it's coming from because nothing could be further from how she's been raised.

OP posts:

gunsandbanjos · 16/01/2018 17:36

Hunger definitely amplifies the behaviour in my experience.

Cindie943811A · 16/01/2018 17:37

OP from experience I know this behaviour suddenly switches on like a light switch being flicked. It’s a real shock and leaves on feeling in despair. Your DD has changed a little earlier than many but should change back sooner! No wonder there were so many folk tales about changelings. Your DD is getting no joy out of her behaviour so just hang in there. Give her a cuddle if you catch her in a good moment. Children are generally exposed to worse behaviour than previous generations were so you can expect this to be copied. Our ancestors were not such little angels because they were genuinely predisposed that way but because they were beaten if they were not ( or a least lived in fear of the consequences)
My DD went through two horrendous periods — I intervened when the behaviour was too outrageous and otherwise ignored it by withdrawing from the situation and doing something pleasant for myself. DC hate to be ignored, want a reaction. I got support from other mums suffering similarly. Second period was much shorter and she emerged like a caterpillar from a chrysalis into a wonderful young woman — couldn’t quite believe it at first. Always make it clear it’s the behaviour you detest and not her. Good luck

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2018 17:37

OP Is she grinding her heel in by being nice as pie to other adults especially your and DH's siblings if any?

It's part of what they do because they know they cannot be told off for it!

ChelleDawg2020 · 16/01/2018 17:40

She's a very bright girl who does extremely well in school, participates in extracurricular activities, has a good group of friends, she's absolutely nothing to be so bloody negative about!

I'm sorry but those things are irrelevant. You don't need something to make you feel negative. Mental illness can start at any age and there isn't always an "obvious" reason. If there is something wrong, any reaction from you could just "prove" to her that she is right, that the world really is against her.

Thesmallthings · 16/01/2018 17:40

notamummy she sounds lovely and caring. I think it's just trying to find them self's more whilst battling hourmoans and the world.i think we forget how hard growing up is sometimes.

Kind of like a 2 year old finding out they can dress and feed themselves and don't want help with it.. then cry because they are struggling.
But in a bigger and less cute scale lol.

Yvest · 16/01/2018 17:41

Mine is also being vile to her younger brother. It’s a total control thing. Just saying mean things all the time and winding him up

mumontherun14 · 16/01/2018 17:41

I think some of the entitled acting is a normal thing at their age and comes from starting to notice their friends and what they do/have and wanting to be like them. It's when it becomes a bit spoiled brat like that it really riles me. (not saying your DD is like that at all..meaning my experience with my own...)

Also it can be to do with their moods. If my DD is in a good mood then the whole house is happy. But if she is in a grumpy mood then I think she takes it out on us sometimes without meaning to...And I do put some of that down to hormones...x

Rudgie47 · 16/01/2018 17:43

Has she started to say, yeah but no but yeah but no but yet?
Has she been sneaking out to go to Footlocker?
If not I wouldnt worry too much.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/01/2018 17:43

I was never as stroppy to my parents as ds(13) is to me.

But then that is because we lived in fear of verbal lashings and unreasonable punishments that were doled out to keep 5 kids in line.

I prefer to walk away, let ds calm down for 10 mins then talk it out. With a appropriate punishment, I.e. no phone for evening.

He still gets stroppy but what teenager doesn’t? It’s normal so I give him space for minor infractions.

Curtainshopping · 16/01/2018 17:44

I don’t want to read this. My daughter is currently 7 and thinks I’m the best thing ever

WineAndTiramisu · 16/01/2018 17:47

ChelleDawg2020 I think labelling stroppy teenage girls with a "mental illness" is going a little too far don't you think...? We all remember it was a difficult time, I doubt we were much better

Original poster

notamummyname · 16/01/2018 17:49

Oh yes she's lovely to adults, we hear nothing but praise regarding her manners, how helpful she is in school just at home that she practically drags herself upstairs on her belly going IT'S NOT FAIR when we ask her to do something perfectly reasonable

She's just came in and apologised very nicely, agreed that the removal of her tablet was fair, listened to my brief lecture on tone of voice and attitude, cuddled the cats and has gone to practice her violin without being reminded

I need to lie down in a darkened room

OP posts:

madeyemoodysmum · 16/01/2018 17:53

I'm Jodi g in the bath to get away from my two who just argued over garlic bread ffs!!!!!!

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