Overreaction?

[MeerkatMam]

Had an upsetting experience this evening while visiting a family friend that's left me a bit shaken. My son (who is 10 and autistic) was in an animated, excitable sort of mood (talking loudly at everyone in an American accent about his special interest). When it was time to leave, instead of getting into the car he shouted 'lets go on an adventure' to his 5 year old sister and ran off with her following him. He has been known to run off before but only when he has been in meltdown, not when happy/overexcited. He can be impulsive, he also has no sense of direction or danger. I caught up with 5 year old and husband went after much faster 10 year old. A few minutes later my husband returned holding onto son tightly, walking back towards us. A man was following and started yelling at me that my husband had dragged son while he (son) was clearly shouting at him to stop. I tried to explain that my son is autistic and had run away but he shouted me down and said that he didn't care, and my husband was not fit to be around children and needed reporting. I'm really upset and anxious now. From my husbands point of view he was preventing a vulnerable 10 year old from running across a main road on his own in the dark and rain. He is very upset and thought he was doing the right thing to protect son. But I suppose an outsider saw things differently, was the man overreacting? Or was his reaction reasonable? What would you do if you saw a man dragging a protesting screaming child in the street?

I can totally see why you are upset. Most people who are parents of that aged DC (autistic or not) have had to do that sort of thing after the DC have had an exciting evening out.

The man had no business to give you his opinion of the situation, and you shouldn't dwell on it.
You know that your DH had the safety of your DS in mind even if an nosy bystander can't.

Your DH did the right thing. The safety of your DS was more important than someone else's view of the situation.

You know what happened and it was what had to be done. Your DH did the right thing. The man just saw a snippet and judged it.

I think the man went about it in all the wrong ways, but for all the right reasons IYSWIM?

I would like to think that most people would challenge someone dragging a clearly distressed child down the street.

Your husband did nothing wrong and was protecting his child. But from an outsiders prospective it would have looked quite alarming.

I've had to do similar. I have never had anyone say anything although it did attract stares when he was younger. If anyone did say they were going to report anything I would tell them to feel free to do so.

Your dh was completely right, your husband was completely right. The man was completely right up to the point where he realized it was your son, then HE should have stopped and accessed the situation.

I think we are all so scared now we may witness something and not intervene but when he realized you were a family and it was all legit, he should have stopped.

Don't think about it anymore and I think your husband is a hero. I can't run for toffee!

(do not dwell on it!!)

Sorry that should be You were completely right, your husband was completely right...

The man doesn't know your son. You and DH do. Try not to give it too much thought

You know your husband better than anyone else. You both know your child better than anyone else. You both know about your child's autism and how to deal with his impulsive episodes better than anyone else.

The man was clearly well-meaning in 'sticking up' for a child he believed to be distressed, but remember you know better than anyone else. No matter how well meaning a stranger may be.

I can fully imagine your husband would have had to 'drag and restrain your DS, 10 yr old's are big and strong. You can't pick them up and carry them off!

You know your DH did what was necessary and your DS is safe and sound as a result

This is a classic example of somebody who has no idea of how different it is bringing up an autistic child.

You and dh have done nothing wrong. Keeping a 10yo with autism safe is not easy. It must have been very frightening and upsetting for you, but be very sure that this man was in the wrong.

my son has ASD and was a bolter from about age 7 to 8, he'd also sit down on the pavement and refuse to move. He also had a thing about bridges for about 4 years - bit of a problem when you live in between two railway bridges. The number of times I 've had to drag him kicking and screaming to get him home or to school doesnt bear thinking about.
You do what you need to do to keep them safe. Your DH did what he needed to do to. I wouldnt worry about a random stranger who hasn't a clue what your life is like

I would like to think that most people would challenge someone dragging a clearly distressed child down the street

Your husband did nothing wrong and was protecting his child. But from an outsiders prospective it would have looked quite alarming

Your dh was completely right, and the man was completely right. I have every sympathy for you, but I also hope most people would try to do something if they saw a child being 'dragged' away by an adult, when the child clearly didn't want to go. Incredibly difficult situation.

I think the problem is that people don't back off when you try to explain that your child has autism

Bam They had made it clear that they were the parents and that their child had Autism. So the man knew the child wasn't being dragged off by strangers. He was also informed of a very well known condition. Yet he said he did not care and still claimed op's dh to be an unfit parent. That's now moved from reasonable concern to just pure ignorance.

Your dh did the right thing. You have to do what's best for your children even if that means outsiders misjudging. I do wish people would use their heads before jumping to conclusions though. You could (if only temporarily) ruin lives otherwise. This man had the situation explained to him. Yet he still felt they needed reporting. If they had let their child run away he would have reported them for that too. You wouldn't have won with this one op.

If I had seen that then I would have been very alarmed and I would probably have reported it to the police.

What I wouldnt have done is shouted to you about it because if it was an abduction or an abusive situation then it could well have made things worse. But based on what I would have seen, without knowing that this was a child with autism (and frankly, if it was an abducion, what difference would that make?) I would have reported it.

The mans concerned is perfectly understandable, the way he went about dealing with it was wrong.

Of course your husband did the right thing.

He knows how to parent his son.

That man...he saw what seemed like an intense and frightening situation...just a snapshot.

At least he had the nerve to follow and make sure everything was above board.

Try to see that in a positive light.

Thanks everyone. I was worried we had handled things badly. I find it really difficult having a child with autism at times, especially as he gets older (and bigger). He is so unpredictable it's almost impossible to take him anywhere. I don't always know what to do for the best.

Today is another day. Put it behind you, you are doing your best and people won't always understand.

Your husband of course did the right thing. What on earth was the alternative? I can understand him being challenged by a concerned passer by though as it must've looked distressing. However, when you explained the situation, he had no right to still carry on at you and disregard your explanation. Put it behind you.

Your dh was right to do it but the man was also right to challenge him and really what would a kidnapper say? Probably, he's autistic, he's my son, has special needs, is messing about etc. Anything to get away with it without causing alarm and it probably did look quite alarming. I think you should just be glad that he intervened because I would like to think anyone would if they saw a ten year old being dragged off the street screaming Stop. It's reassuring if you think about it. He was being decent.

I don't think the man did anything wrong at first but when it was explained he should have shut up and if he was still concerned,reported it.
Not come out with "he didn't care, the dh wasn't fit to be around children" etc. That comes across as being judgemental about how someone is managing a situation with their own child.

The National Autistic Society used to, probably still do, have cards you can give out which say something like - this person has autism, and a brief explanation of autism and where to get more info.

Maybe you could have small cards made up with a few explanatory details, and most importantly, a family photo which would reassure any concerned passers-by that this is not an abduction situation.

My son, Asperger's, was a runner when he was little, so I understand something of how difficult it is, but it is more "normal" to be seen carrying what looks like a toddler acting up, than a much older and taller child.

right, so he was managing his son's disability, keeping him safe from his impulsive and dangerous behaviour, preventing an accident, and others potentially getting injured in addition to your son. (eg swerving cars... )

I do find it best though to remain still when he refuses to walk etc. still hold onto whichever bit of the body is necessary, (clothing is good, a good handful of the botttom/ back of t shirt, beware of being left holding just a t shirt and no boy though) quiet, calm, (not easy when said boy is trying to run off towards the road and is using you to plough the beach in a foot deep furrow) ds will get bored of refusing to move after a bit. it looks bad when I grab him really quickly though, in some instances. this is because he can run a hell of a lot faster than I can and if I miss, then he is off and possibly straight across a road.

of course, yours is different and this might not work for you, but I find the technique less embarrassing and concerning for onlookers. mine is still small enough (9) to be slung over one shoulder though.