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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to learn to drive ..?

27 replies

josben · 15/01/2018 20:51

Years ago DH took his driving test and failed and will not reapply / take anymore lessons...

I drive and as we have 3 DC it's a constant flurry of lifts to clubs etc

I organise lift shares where I can but it's still difficult.

I am at a loss on how to get him to drive ..?

Does anyone else's partner not drive..?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 15/01/2018 20:52

Intensive course with test at the end?

NapQueen · 15/01/2018 20:53

Dh didnt drive until about 2 years ago (we are both 32, been together 14 years).

It was never a bother though as he would do all sorts with the kids and just use public transport. I suppose it could have affected where we live (chose somewhere with great transport links) but even if we both drove it would be where we want to live.

Why isnt he taking the dcs on public transport? And if there isnt good public transport then why choose to live there?

AmberTopaz · 15/01/2018 20:55

Well I guess you can’t MAKE him but I can see why that would be really irritating.

Do you give him lifts anywhere? Maybe put your foot down and say you’re so busy driving the kids around that he’ll have to get public transport?

Appuskidu · 15/01/2018 21:02

That would really piss me off! What does he do whilst you’re doing all the chauffeuring? Does not driving inconvenience him in any way? Getting to hobbies/work etc

DriggleDraggle · 15/01/2018 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DriggleDraggle · 15/01/2018 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twoforluck · 15/01/2018 21:03

Its probably that he lost his confidence, i tried to learn 2-3 times in my 20s & 30s and genuinely thought i would never pass, i felt i was an awful driver. When i had DS2 i thought id give it one more go and my driving instructor was the most amazing, patient man who filled me with confidence and i actually started to enjoy it! Ive been driving 2 yrs now and i really love it.... for me it was all down to finding the right person to teach me and to be honest need. If he has no need to drive he probably wont bother

Elena567 · 15/01/2018 21:04

What are his reasons in his own words why he won’t take another test?

IrkThePurist · 15/01/2018 21:04

Probably its because he knows he cant drive. Not everyone can.

Lethaldrizzle · 15/01/2018 21:05

You should make him. They're his kids too. He should share the load

Butterymuffin · 15/01/2018 21:10

Get him to be the one who works round it. He takes them to their clubs on buses etc.

Appuskidu · 15/01/2018 21:11

Probably its because he knows he cant drive.

He could have lessons and learn just like the rest of the driving population.

OP-what does he say about it? About you having to always drive? Have you told him how you feel?

Dragongirl10 · 15/01/2018 21:12

Afraid that would drive me mad, we all have to get over things we find hard.
l am severely claustrophobic but years ago had a job that required getting the tube daily, it was immensely scary but l just got on with it.
To this day it is the most terrifying thing but l know l can do it if l need too.

Your DH is being very selfish, what if you were ill and there was an emergency and he needed to get a child to the hospital or something, not to mention all the driving you have to do because he is too lazy to get his licence.

ThisLittleKitty · 15/01/2018 21:14

Your DH is being very selfish, what if you were ill and there was an emergency and he needed to get a child to the hospital or something

Ummm the same the rest of us non drivers do and call a cab or if it was really that bad an ambulance! Now it's selfish not to drive

Evelynismyformerspyname · 15/01/2018 21:19

Does he use not being able to drive as an excuse to get out of responsibility for getting the kids around? Does he organise lift shares or walk them or use public transport? Or does he just shrug and say "what can I do, I don't drive" and leave you to juggle and coordinate with other, driving, parents?

That's what matters, I think? Is he a proactive non driver engaged in finding work around to do his share, or is he enjoying the freedom from responsibility and inconvenience and actually not that keen for the imposition on his time that a driving license will bring?

emma6776 · 15/01/2018 21:22

These threads always turn into non-driver bashing threads. I don’t drive, hate the idea of driving - it makes me incredibly anxious to the point of feeling sick if I even talk about learning (& I don’t have anxiety). Just tell him he needs to do half the journeys with the kids - he can walk, taxi, take the bus. My dd loves walking and is super fit because I walk her to most activities x

PhilODox · 15/01/2018 21:22

What does he say when you say to him "right, Monday dd2 needs to be at rainbows at 6, DS need to be at the pool for swimming at 6:30"?

redexpat · 15/01/2018 21:22

Have you tried saying that we are a team, and this whole task falls to me, and Im tired of it. I want you to support me by learning to drive.

OR is there some underlying reason? Fear of failure perhaps?

Actually I think I would ask him if he could tell me why he doesnt want to learn to drive. You might hae to dig a bit.

Dragongirl10 · 16/01/2018 14:27

THISLITTLEKITTY

It is selfish because he is leaving all the work of getting DCs to activities and school to the op

ThisLittleKitty · 16/01/2018 14:30

Then that's up to the op to put her foot down. THEre are other ways to get around without driving. And like I said the rest of us who don't drive call an ambulance if children need to go to the hospital as an emergency.

picklemepopcorn · 16/01/2018 14:48

I gave up after a few years. We are now hanging in there for self driving cars. Both my sons will drive though. One has a car, the other is doing fine in lessons. They grew up knowing it was non negotiable.

I hated being the only driver. The pressure to be well at all times, especially on ho.iday, was immense.

sinceyouask · 16/01/2018 14:54

I don't drive. Neither do I expect DH to be the family taxi, so where activities etc can be accessed by walking/ bus/ train/ tram etc, I take the dc as often as possible. I live in a city, driving is not essential. TBH I managed fine in a shite rural town with almost non existent public transport options- driving certainly would have made life easier there, but wasn't essential.

Just say to your DH that he needs not to assume that because you can drive, all getting to and from activities etc is on you. If he flat our refuses to use his feet or public transport to pick up some of the tasks that currently are only undertaken by you driving, you have a real problem. But he's not likely to be the deliberately unhelpful, selfish and lazy twat many people like to cast us non drivers as, and will probably do what I do and make it work.

ShatnersWig · 16/01/2018 14:56

Friend of mine was fine with lessons but for some reason always messed up the test. So after the fourth time she gave up. I can understand that. The last test was 15 years ago.

Mind boggles that choosing not to drive or deciding after several attempts you just don't have the necessary confidence or ability to be a safe driver is now selfish. I have a friend who has epilepsy and chose not to drive (I have another friend with epilepsy who has to cease driving for two years if she has a fit and is considering giving up driving). Presumably they shouldn't get married or have children, just in case in an emergency they couldn't drive their child to a hospital?

And people who are afraid of flying are also selfish too, of course.

FFS.

LadyBunnysWig · 16/01/2018 15:00

It is not selfish to not want to drive.
It is selfish to try and force someone to learn to do something that they don't want to do for your own gain.

You cannot force him to do anything he does not want to do.

Surely the simple fact that he does not want to drive is enough reason for him not to drive. You'd feel pretty shit if he got into an accident doing an activity you forced him into.

I assume he is perfectly capable of getting the bus/taxi?

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 15:02

Is he worried about failing again?

I think you're very unfair to "expect" him to. It seems controlling and quite unthoughtful.

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