To be upset about this?

[Enirroc]

My DD who's 11 has always had some emotional and social difficulties, which were well supported at preschool, but not so when she went to primary. She then gradually developed some physical needs (most especially hand pain and joint dislocations) and much later on we've all been diagnosed with a genetic condition at the root of it. Her primary school however was very unsupportive, exacerbating her injuries rather than helping them or helping to prevent them.

I eventually moved them to a smaller school- with no support from my DH (now Ex...) and the much smaller environment has made a huge difference to her, with far less injuries and much quicker recoveries- and when they do happen, the school is understanding and supportive. Recently they have been putting support in place for her emotionally which has been a big help, but today they've called to say that they'd like to officially put her on the special needs register, and although that might not make much difference to her support now, it will make a huge transition in her transfer to secondary school.

However... While I should be happy about this, I'm suddenly really upset and I just don't get it... What's going on here? I feel like I should be relieved so feel completely unreasonable for being upset.

It’s a political process. Being on an official register means that the school will get extra funding and may even help with secondary school admissions. It also means that secondary schools will be informed officially with records in place.
I know how you feel but suspect it is a result of someone officially recognising what you have been fighting for all these years.

I think it’s a good thing - means your daughter will be entitled to more support, and her secondary school will have to take her needs into account upon her transition. I know it sounds a bit scary but I think it is quite standard for students with complex medical issues.

They do this to get extra funding.

DISCLAIMER: I am absolutely not saying that the following is what is going on but it came to mind as it is on topic and I suppose in the public interest to share.

Many school have been known to push for diagnosis/used questionable methods when making internal investigations/put children on the registers when they didn't belong there etc. For the extra funding. A friend of a friend is currently working on a prosecution re this practice.

I provide the above as an example of situations where putting a child on the register may have a sinister motive. In your daughter's case however I think that the school is being genuine. As they have got to know her and understand her needs better they have been providing her with extra support. It is in response to this need for extra help that they have recognised that they have chosen to put her on the register as opposed to trying to find and label problem without waiting to see how she gets on without help before gradually increasing support purely so that they can get extra funding.

Thanks xxx

I get the point about funding, but even if that's the case, she's already getting the support so they must've already been paying for it somehow, anything that helps them is good to me. And if it really will help her transition into secondary then that's truly amazing.

But why on earth am I so upset about it?

Mayne it's because It's official and not a small thing that's upsetting You? That she's now difficult labbled as need special help? No-one wants their child to strugle or to be different but being put on the register is making it clear maybe?

It may help hugely because with out it the high school may not believe it and she won't get the help she needs. Try and see the positives of it x

If she can hit secondary school with the help she needs in place when she starts it will make that transition easier.
We had the opposite with a primary removing from the sen register without my knowledge in yr6 and dc not flagging up as SEND when starting secondary and having to start up having a care plan put in place from scrap with nothing having been passed on by primary.

Many school have been known to push for diagnosis/used questionable methods when making internal investigations/put children on the registers when they didn't belong there etc. For the extra funding.

sorry, but this is crap.
It takes a huge amount of cost and effort for a school to get a child assessed. The resulting assessment rarely ends up with much (any?) money for the school, if a child is entitled to support the school has to find the first xx ££ before they receive any.

Our school is currently trying to get a couple of year 5/6 pupils registered as special needs, until now the school has managed to support them in house, but they are really aware that for kids going up to secondary, unless the kids are formally on 'the list' they get very limited help and no extra funding, they are pushing to get them on the list to try and make sure they get support in secondary.

I am guessing that it is the switch to making it official that has thrown you, and possibly also the fear that this may effect her through secondary, and maybe the realisation that this not going to go away?
It is a form of grief, as you realise that some of thethigns you might have dreamed/wished for her might not be possible

I agree with a previous poster, I would imagine that it is because something official has been done. I felt exactly the same when my child was diagnosed with ADHD, we knew it was coming, but I went home and cried because he had a diagnosis. Irrational I know it has meant that extra support and doors have opened up that wouldn't have otherwise.
Its almost a feeling of loss, that your child isn't "normal" and will always have extra difficulties to face that most of their peers wont. Its quite a natural reaction, try not to beat yourself up

Thanks everyone

Thankfully a diagnosis isn't an issue for us now as I managed to get us all diagnosed 3 years ago

My son is on the Special Needs Register because his handwriting isn't very good. He's 5...it upsets me that children who actually need help aren't getting it but he is?

I completely get where you're coming from. However it will really help her at secondary and will mean that she will get any support she needs for her needs. Without it there is a real possibility that she, and you, will be left to get on with it. You will also be involved in the process and at reviews so you will know what us going on. Keep talking to the school. It sounds lovely and supportive and will have your best interests at heart.

Because people have NO idea what SN means

I felt sad when the headteacher told me my dd was on the special needs register (for her literacy probs). I know she's doing ok, I know the school are providing good support but I still felt sad. Just having it spelled out that she'll struggle a little bit maybe. I feel better now. But felt a bit shocked on the day.

Thank you everyone x

I got upset when ds2 and dd1 were put on the sn register I think it was because while I knew they had problems their peers didn't and that they needed more help. Being put on the register made it more official just like their dxs did. I think it's down to shock while you acknowledge your child isn't the same as their peers this makes it more apparent to you if that makes sence.

Oh sweetheart, this is a totally normal reaction

I fought tooth and claw for my ds1 to have his diagnosis and have his additional needs recognised by school. And hen we got it, I cried buckets. It's an incredibly bruising thing for a parent to accept that a child has difficulties, it makes you worry for their future and fear that their life is going to be hard. That's normal and it's just a feature of how much you love her and want the best for her.

Be gentle with yourself and don't feel guilty about your reaction.

I think it doesn't help that my XH is very dismissive of the condition and keeps saying that we're using it as an excuse- but he was no help at all when he was here, and he doesn't know what it's like to live with like I do.

I know he'll be upset that the school are backing me up though. Perhaps that's contributed to me being upset.

That must be really tough, that your exh isn't supportive. That's bound to make you feel even worse about your dd's additional needs, because you're carrying the emotional load on your own and he's undermining you.

I guess it's easy for him to be in denial when he's not the one coping day in day out and having to advocate for your dd with school. He's an asshat, you're doing the right thing getting her help

I really appreciate that x

@Enirroc I think it is the realization that your child has special needs and that can be daunting. But you know she has because you fought to move her to a school better suited to her needs.

My dd has dyslexia, almost certainly some form of autism or something not NT and now has some mental health issues. Her high school have been very helpful but primary was useless. And not honest about how useless they were.

When school started referring to special needs I felt affronted, my beautiful, talented amazing dd was special, but I knew in my heart she does have special needs.

I don't know the exact stats but about one in five kids do have some form of special needs in our dd's old school. In fact now so many children with additional needs are in mainstream schools I think it is a lot more understood and accepted not all children will be the same or have the same needs.

In some aspects your dd will be absolutely bog standard, like mine, but in some areas your dd and mine will need extra care and extra help. And it is absolutely fine to be a bit upset about this while also being absolutely pleased some other people are out there helping our kids.

PS Greensleeves is completely right, your exh is an asshat!

I am chronically ill with invisible illness. When I was awarded PIP and received my blue badge I really fell to bits emotionally; I'd previously been in denial but finally had to accept I really am quite unwell. I think it's grieving what I've lost as well as fear of what I am now (i feel like a what rather than a who).

Actually barefoot, now you mention it- I reacted exactly the same when I got my blue badge, so that matters a lot of sense! I was excited for a moment and then burst into tears. Thank you so much!

Italian that makes a lot of sense

And I'm loving the asshat comments... A friend of mine nick named him twatface a while ago lol